Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to move for DH

392 replies

FEJ2016 · 21/02/2018 08:40

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn Sad

OP posts:
blackberryfairy · 21/02/2018 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillianGish · 21/02/2018 14:13

I think the "provider" comments are relevant because the OP isn't saying she can't move because she doesn't want to leave her job (which I could more easily understand), but because she doesn't want to leave her parents. As a SAHP she could live anywhere. It's probably quite hard for her DH to get to grips with his new role as a parent if he's living away - kind of setting him up to feel like a spare part and surplus to requirement. I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt at this stage, the OP has been on here to defend him. It's a self fulfilling prophecy - if his family isn't there, it's logical that he feels the need to fill that void somehow rather than sit at home by himself I agree with this.

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 14:14

Of course you don’t want your marriage to be over OP.

The question is really, how does DH see your marriage. The issue of whether to move hinges on whether he is committed or not. If he thinks it’s over or wants it to be over, then you should stay put and you need to figure this out ASAP.

Nothing more soul destroying than moving down south for him, he avoids spending time at home and spends all his time with his mates, playing golf, and building up the business, until either you get too fed up or he dumps you anyway.

I think that’s a distinct possibility from all you have written here.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2018 14:16

'We haven't figured out what I will do for work yet. I do plan to work eventually, but baby has of course changed our lives a lot I'm still breastfeeding exclusively we haven't figured out how childcare etc would work yet.'

I think you need to accept that you're not married to a man who considers you an equal partner at all, except when it came to 50/50, and that you need to start thinking about how life will work without being married to him. A lot of us have had to alter our plans and not able to stay home for years and years because finances and life had other ideas.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/02/2018 14:17

I don’t get his logic at all.

Like you say, he could just spend longer in his flat down south to do the stuff with his friends, maybe every month he goes down from Wednesday and stays over the weekend?

You’ve hit the nail on the head OP. He’ll feel like the kiss on his sleeping child’s head every evening and having a late dinner with you is ‘quality time’ enabling him to spend every weekend pleasing himself. And you’ll be with no friends, no family, and as lovely as your baby is - with no adult time or time to yourself.

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 14:18

Sounds pretty compromised to me.

Really? Have you read the thread - moving was his choice! He wanted to be out of London. Now he’s changed his mind and expects OP to follow.

I know someone who does exactly this from Derbyshire. He’s done it long term and he enjoys it. He feels like he gets the best of both worlds.

ToffeeUp · 21/02/2018 14:18

You need to have that discussion about you returning to work, it will tell you a lot about the kind of man he really is.

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 14:19

Good point toffee and it will change the dynamic away from his self-conferred role of ‘provider’.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/02/2018 14:21

@blackberryfairy he’s not commuting from Yorkshire everyday he goes down one day and back a couple of days later. His commute is what he does day to day, and OP has says he has a flat centrally.

It’s not up to OP to make sure her husband has enough free time to spend with his own daughter - he’s a grown man and can do that himself. He is effectively saying he wants his free time to be his own and not time he spends with his family, so how’s he going to spend more time with his daughter?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/02/2018 14:21

You need to have that discussion about you returning to work, it will tell you a lot about the kind of man he really is

What like? Presumably he'll be the spawn of Satan if he dares expect her to work and help finance family life? It's not 1950 anymore, lots of men don't want a kept wife.

BelleandBeast · 21/02/2018 14:23

Working, commuting and jugging childcare with nobody near who can help out is a caldron pot for exhaustion and resentment, especially if Mr Big Provider thinks he can expand his social life and golf weekends.

Think ahead. who will do drop off - they can work late. The person doing pick ups gets to work early. Who will take days off when child is sick? Are you planning on more children?

I wouldn't say a word about your concerns, just start saying things like 'when I'm back at work, thinking about childcare and pick-ups etc' and that type of conversation and see what he has to offer about his contribution then.

Original poster
FEJ2016 · 21/02/2018 14:25

When we have discussed me going back to work it has always been a bit up in the air, I have always liked to be financially independent and he would like me to work because I don't think he wants a stay at home wife. Which has never offended me. But like I said my daughter is still only 6 months and I'm breastfeeding so we have left it as see-what-happens for the moment. I can't go back to my previous job it was also in central London and long hours 8am to 6pm. Not practical for either of us as he often works early to late also.

OP posts:
BelleandBeast · 21/02/2018 14:25

The work discussion will tell the OP how he thinks the dynamics will change.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 14:26

Honestly, OP, I’d be worrying about the relationship, and I would be very hesitant to make such a big sacrifice for someone who’s so clearly prioritising his career and desire for social/leisure time over his family.

Me too, I would not be leaving my support network to sit alone whilst he goes out living the single life.

Golf/hobbies can all be pursued outside of London just as well as in London.
Its the single social life he really misses. Like just about every other parent of a new baby. I agree with pp - 6 months is not long enough to give it a try.

Can he explain why living in commuterland whilst you site home and he goes out socialising is different from him staying in the flat over weekends?

ZenNudist · 21/02/2018 14:27

Im more sympathetic to your arguments OP. How about moving back to your old life rather than a soulless commuter town? Just get a place near where you always lived together. Go back to your old friends. Or move somewhere in the middle. Compromise. Id be knocking the dad of a 6 month old wanting to have more fun thing on the head. Young dc are no fun. Presumably you were happy in london with dh? Why not carry on as always. The move north hasnt really worked out has it. You still see there is life in your marriage so do something that fits with that. But golfing and gymming etc is no no.

You need to work (to fund your joint london property). Keep the northern house as a safety net and rent it out. Dd goes in nursery and you pay for babysitters. You both get equal leisure time. Looking after dd is not leisure. Dh shares bath and bedtime etc. He needs to step up to be your support network. You both need to do chores.

If he chooses to spend more leisure time running his business thats his choice and sacrifice to make. It comes out if gym and golf time mot family and domestic time.

Definitely get a job once dd is 1.

Original poster
FEJ2016 · 21/02/2018 14:27

I think he sees me finding a part-time job. To enable me to have some of my own money.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 14:29

I think he sees me finding a part-time job

So you bring in some money but retain total responsibility for the home and child? He wants a company wife but one who brings in money

Original poster
FEJ2016 · 21/02/2018 14:29

Unfortunately my 'old life' is not an option. We lived in central London and we both hated it. I'd never bring up a child there and my life revolves around going out and getting drunk etc. I can't do any of that now.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2018 14:31

Hi OP,

Just wanted to post a couple of concerns I have.

The move to yorkshire was his idea 100%

He wants to see his friends more

he wants us to move to a commuter town

I don't think he wants a stay at home wife

It all seems to be about what HE wants.

What about what YOU want? It's only been 6 months, 4 of which have been in winter. Agree with another poster who suggested you and baby go to him sometimes for the weekend - would he be open to trying that? Otherwise it just sounds like he wants his single life back, which does not balance with fatherhood... hope you can find some middle ground.

CousinKrispy · 21/02/2018 14:35

Only you can decide what's right for you, but as someone who left behind family, friends, and support network for H, I would never make that decision again. Not just for my own sake, but for my kid who doesn't get to see much of her extended family.

MrsDilber · 21/02/2018 14:42

Oh gosh, if he's agreeing that he'll spend less time with you, why move, why give up all you've got?

What did you say to him when he said that ?

1ndig0 · 21/02/2018 14:42

I think he sees me finding a part-time job. To enable me to have some of my own money".

I bet he does Hmm

Please don't say you have separate bank accounts OP.

Beetlejizz · 21/02/2018 14:54

If you move back, you'd be as stupid as yellow's 'doing little' comment. That is, exceedingly.

Quartz2208 · 21/02/2018 14:55

He just gets worse and worse everytime you post something

Now he makes it clear that money earnt belongs to the person earning it

And I right in thinking the house you are in is yours?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 15:14

If you loved him you'd want to actually live with him and help him be near his business that supports everyone

If he loved her he wouldn't be wanting her and his child living isolated in commuterland whilst he goes out on the lash with his single buddies. He has said he expects to see less of her after she has given up her support network.

Being the main financial contributor to the family does not make you the family god entitled to have everyone else construct (or give up) their lives so that you can piss off playing golf.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.