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Original poster

Don't want to move for DH

392 replies

FEJ2016 · 21/02/2018 08:40

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn Sad

OP posts:
blackberryfairy · 21/02/2018 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonirat · 21/02/2018 17:41

lilian I think you have quite an optimistic take on things.

Before the OP can 'go for it' she needs to have a serious talk with him about exactly how he imagines spending his time, what his hopes and dreams for the family are, how he plans to share his money. What they will do for child care, and how it is paid for. When he will look after his child so the OP can go out to meet new friends. Not just vague pie in the sky or glib answers but solid, real suggestions about how things will be day to day.

If they aren't compatible it will be really sad, but at least she will know before any upheaval and would be amongst family and friends.

LillianGish · 21/02/2018 17:42

Would you leave everything to be with a man who is like this? well there are two ways of looking at it - he could have refused point blank to try the half-a-week in Yorkshire thing (personally I would have ruled it out as unworkable from the get go). He's given it a go and decided it's not working for him. And let's be honest - he's the one making all the compromises - long journey to and from work twice a week, living away from his new baby daughter and spending all his free time with his in-laws. None of us know him, the OP has been back to defend him when people have suggested her marriage is over - in her situation I'd try and save my marriage. If they rent out the house in Yorkshire and the flat they are not really risking anything. Actually my worst nightmare would to be married to somebody who couldn't cut the apron strings with their parents.

Only1scoop · 21/02/2018 17:44

'we have split everything down he middle since the day I met him and now I look after his child I consider that I'm doing a full-time job for our family.'

I haven't taken this so literally, as in probably all the time pre becoming SAHM

I certainly hope you aren't still paying 50 percent Op

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 17:48

OP originally said that DH was currently supporting them as her maternity leave money has just finished. But before she had a baby 6 months ago she had a good career, she has always paid 50:50 and she paid for the house in the north.

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 17:49

Lillian RTFT will you. Moving to Yorkshire was his idea!

anonirat · 21/02/2018 17:49

blackberry I took it to mean that he pays for everything now, or thinks as if he does at least. Perhaps the OP was just writing it down in the way he has been arguing it with her?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 17:55

And let's be honest - he's the one making all the compromises - long journey to and from work twice a week, living away from his new baby daughter and spending all his free time with his in-laws.

No he isn't. Its the OP who gave up her existing job to move at DH's behest. That was a compromise which worked because she was getting something out of it too. He has more than half the week at home (which frankly is more actual hours than a lot of daily commuters - I've done both) but wants to carry on his single social life.

What on earth is the point in her moving to a new place where she has no job and no connections if she is going to see even less of him? He isn't wanting her to move to spend more time with her, he is simply moving her away from her support network.

I don't see where the OP is saying he spends time with the in-laws either.

LillianGish · 21/02/2018 17:56

I realise moving was his idea - prompted by the OP. He's given it a go and (not surprisingly in my opinion) it has turned out to be less than satisfactory.

anonirat · 21/02/2018 17:56

lilian so why is his main complaint/aim to play more golf and see his mates more?!

And clearly if the OP previously lived and worked in London, then she has cut the apron strings.

I think you have the wrong end of the stick here.

Sunbeam18 · 21/02/2018 17:56

Didn't see the post that said OP owns the house in the north! Is that correct?

LillianGish · 21/02/2018 17:58

Its the OP who gave up her existing job to move she has stated there is no way she would have gone back to her old job.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 18:00

He's given it a go and (not surprisingly in my opinion)

Many families work with one or both traveling parents and shift workers. Two nights away but four days off work each week is a bloody good deal for most people compared to long days plus several hours commuting.

The key point here is that he wanted to move up North, he has decided he doesn't want to any more, he is dictating some random place in commuterland, he will be spending less time with the family after the move.

That is a lot of 'he's.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 18:03

she has stated there is no way she would have gone back to her old job.

because the hours were not compatible with also being the 100% parent. So again, a choice driven by deferring to his choices

LillianGish · 21/02/2018 18:04

I think he'd rather see his mates and play golf than hang around with the OP's family - his life is still in London. He hasn't really made the move. The problem is they are living parallel lives and then trying to come together on her turf. I'm prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt because I think if he really wanted to carry on living the single life then he has the perfect opportunity to do so. He wouldn't be travelling back to Yorkshire every week and asking the OP to move closer. Maybe I'm wrong - I don't actually know him, but I don't get the impression the OP thinks her marriage is on the way out she'd like to happily carry on as things are living near her mum and dad and seeing him a couple of days a week.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2018 18:08

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think you should stay put and close to friends/family and support.

he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD

So you would basically be in a flat in London, on your own, looking after DD while he swans off with his mates?

LillianGish · 21/02/2018 18:10

a choice driven by deferring to his choices Or her choice - she wouldn't be the first woman to weigh up her options career-wise after having a baby.

anonirat · 21/02/2018 18:11

Well none of us know him Lilian, but the OP does and she is worried that she will see him less because of the specific things he said he wants so...

Sunbeam18 · 21/02/2018 18:17

Does he ever give you a break over the weekends to go out and have some time to yourself? Or do you rely on your family for that sort of support?

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2018 18:32

think he'd rather see his mates and play golf than hang around with the OP's family - his life is still in London. He hasn't really made the move. The problem is they are living parallel lives and then trying to come together on her turf

She has said she only helps her family out when he is not around. Her turf? Wtf? His joint decision to buy a house they both live in. It’s his turf too. He wanted to get out of London.

He’d rather hang out with his mates than the OP. He has explicitly said so. And he has admitted that her moving would allow him to see her less.

Your one correct deduction is that he hasn’t made the move. And now he says he is not going to. That he would like OP to move south so he can spend less time with her and more with his mates and his hobbies.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 18:36

Or her choice - she wouldn't be the first woman to weigh up her options career-wise after having a baby.

Something we rarely hear of men doing. When weighing up the options requires an assumption of carrying most if not all of the burdens of wife work its not a free choice, its a choice largely dictated by someone else's preferences.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 18:39

I'm still struggling with the DH who already takes two days a week to 'do his own thing' but wants to move the OP so that he can spend less time with her and more time doing his own thing. That is simply not consistent with the notion of the move being to have more time with the family - he says himself it will mean less time with the family.

rogue8 · 21/02/2018 19:12

Who owns the house in Yorkshire? Who owns the London flat?
Who actually pays the mortgages and the bills?
Have you actually got your own income to live separately without his salary? Do you actually have the choice to contemplate running separate households if it's clearly not working for the sole income earner?

I repeat, most families don't choose to live hundreds of miles apart. The few families that I know who do, tend to be those in the forces or those who have older children of secondary age and understandably stop moving around whilst the high earner continues their stint abroad/work in London during the week.

Growing a business in London would probably take more than a 3 day week in reality, as he is discovering. Long distance relationships have a higher chance of fracturing because you are living separate lives. Why choose to make it harder when you don't have to? Your baby is 6 mths old - are you really going to prioritise living near your parents over living with your DH?

Allthewaves · 21/02/2018 19:21

He's a gem Hmm. When u have kids you make sacrifices like seeing your friends. I'm absolutely flabbergasted he wants to lead a single life while u be the wife at home.

No just no. Don't move, stay near family.

Moonandstars84 · 21/02/2018 19:21

Yellow maybe you need to read the op posts as she is on maternity leave with a baby and has funded housing in Yorkshire.
Sadly this doesn't fit your anti sah agenda.

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