Don't want to move for DH

[FEJ2016]

DH and I met in central London where he owns a business but I've always wanted to move home to the north. (East Yorkshire) When we got married and decided to have children we agreed on a plan (his idea) that we would move north and he would work 3 days a week in London (he owns a flat there so has somewhere to stay etc) and spend 4 days a week up north with us. We're now living in the same town as my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family with my 6m DD. I'm really happy here it's a lovely place really friendly I have lots of groups to go to etc.
DH has decided our arrangement isn't working for him. He wants to see his friends more and doesn't feel like he's getting the most out of his life so he wants us to move to a commuter town near London. The thing is I would then effectively see him less. He wouldn't be around at all during the week because of work (possibly one morning before midday a week), and generally he would miss wake up and bed time for our daughter, and he would go out with his friends and playing golf etc at the weekend so he would be spending less real time with me and DD.
I'm terrified of being isolated down south away from my support network and my amazing family. My grandparents are old and my sister struggles with childcare it's been amazing to be around and help. But he is my husband and he's not happy. Do I have to sacrifice everything for him because he has a business and pays for everything? I'm so torn

OP, you have very major relationship issues. Forget locations for the moment, you both need to work out whether or not you want to remain married. It sounds as if neither of you want to right now.

Wow. For a start he is not financing me he never has.
The move to yorkshire was his idea 100%. I would never have asked him to commute that far but he wanted to be away from London 4 days a week. The plan was for him to eventually do only 1 night a week in London but he has decided to expand the business which will be far more demanding on his time. Now we're here I'm really happy though and I don't want to give it up. I don't have an easy life I have a happy one what on Earth is wrong with that.
He sees himself as the long term provider but despite the fact he earns 1000% more than I do we have split everything down he middle since the day I met him and now I look after his child I consider that I'm doing a full-time job for our family. Also in which one of my posts do I say I want it all my own way? I've tried really hard to convey that I love my husband and I'm clearly considering moving for him. The conversations we have had about it have really scared me though and I wanted to know what people who aren't so close to the situation thought about it.
Thanks to everyone telling me my marriage is over but I don't see it like that.

Why can't he spend an extra day per week in London for socialising and the current arrangement remains otherwise unchanged? It's not fair to expect him to give up his relationships and it's not for to expect you to give up yours. This seems like a good compromise.

he mostly does his own thing Fridays and Mondays and then on Saturday and Sunday we try to do stuff together

This would worry me. He doesn't sound engaged in family life at all. Why is he "doing his own thing" instead of spending time with his family? (especially given that he's away 3 days a week already).

This is going to sound tough OP but did he want a baby? It doesn't sound like it, or if he did, he's having some major adjustment issues (which being away from home 3 days a week makes worse, not better).

Why can't he play golf in Yorkshire ?

Why don't you spend some time week days and weekends with him in London flat to try out this life he proposes...is he going to be out all day all weekend ?

Do you have your own income ?

But you do see that the only evidence we have comes from you though. No your marriage isnt over at all but it does seem to have some fundamental issues with exactly the role that your husband sees himself as

He wants to be seen as the long term provider so that means that he gets to everything that he wants, go out, go to the gym, play golf.
BUT
he also is happy for you to split everything 50/50, work, look after his child and look after his home.

You do get however much you love him you are painting a pretty bleak picture of him. Now the only person who knows and has met him is you and that is the picture you are giving.

Truthfully you should not be doing anything until you have both sat down and really talk through exactly how the relationship will work fairly - and to be honest I would not move for him as it is not right for you and its certainly at the moment not right for your daughter

I’m confused - does he contribute only 50% of costs while you are home with a baby? So he’s not even the provider, and he’s not even asking you to move to be unsupported while he goes out more with the end goal of investing in his family because assets aren’t shared?

The more I hear the worse it sounds. You say you love him but when does he say/ show he loves you and dc? By a text message from the golf course is what it sounds like.

If you don't feel your marriage is over OP, you need to start making some compromises because right now everything is on your terms. As I said right at the beginning of this thread, the two of you need to work TOGETHER to build a life TOGETHER. And that's not one of you in Yorkshire and the other in London.

Thanks to everyone telling me my marriage is over but I don't see it like that

You often don't when in a situation but it's clearer to others usually.

If i was the sole earner and wanted to live within commuting distance of my business with my spouse and child in one house but they wanted to live elsewhere so I had to finance that choice and live apart from my child then my marriage would be over.

If you loved him you'd want to actually live with him and help him be near his business that supports everyone.

You may have split costs before maternity but that's not going to continue unless you have immense savings or a private trust fund as there's no plans for you to work.

twitterqueen did you miss the part where it was his idea to move north?

He could be checking out of the marriage or he could just be unhappy and wanting to find an alternative. If he was checking out of the marriage he would be suggesting spending more time on his own in London not wanting the OP to move to be with him. It sounds to me like your DH just wants to have a normal life where you live together as a family, have friends where you live, go out with friends, have time for hobbies instead of having travel halfway up the country whenever he has a day off to spend it on your home turf. To be honest that's no life is it? I think the problem with spending a lot of time apart is that you grow apart as a couple instead of growing together - you've made a comfortable little life for yourself with your new baby in Yorkshire, but your DH probably isn't sure where he fits in. You don't want to move for the same reasons - you'll have to make a new life together and that will push you out of your comfort zone. The trouble is the more time you spent apart the more you'll grow apart. All relationships take a bit of readjustment when your first child is born, but you can only make those readjustments if you are living together to make them. Otherwise you just become more and more entrenched in your separate positions.

“As the provider I shouldn't have to live such a compromised life”

Arrogant twat.

Honestly OP I’m not sure why you’re so willing to bend over backwards for him.

If you really want to make this work I suggest you try couple’s counselling (as already suggested by a few PPs) but he has to be just as committed as you are to the relationship and family, and willing to make compromises so that you can all be happy as possible together.

With his attitude I’m not sure you’ll get very far, but you never know - he might listen to the counsellor even if he doesn’t listen to you

Most people don't choose to take the option you have. Most people choose to live somewhere nearer to their place of work rather than 3+hrs away.

Well, if you really do believe that he'll see you & the baby less if you make the move down to London, that is essentially the end of your relationship. If you're on ML, where is your job based - back in London? What are your plans regarding your return to work?

We've moved around the UK for DH's job and we deliberately chosen that for our marriage to survive and so that the DC can see their father even if it's only in the morning and before bedtime. I would say that it's pretty vital when the DC are young.

I doubt your DH would be going out all the time with his friends if you move down - he's only doing that now because he doesn't want to be staying in alone by himself in the flat. Who would? I agree with the poster who says that it's a self fulfilling prophecy - if his family isn't there, it's logical that he feels the need to fill that void somehow rather than sit at home by himself. The working in London during the week scenario only works if both partners are on the same page and you aren't which means that it will never work.

Ime, it's relatively easy to move when your DC are young and to make friends in a new area via them.

The more you post the worse it sounds.
He's basically checking out.
You need to have a really honest conversation.
Relay to him exactly what you have to us.
If he doesn't listen then I think you know what your next move is.

He's basically saying 'I earn the money and you will do as I wish'!
Not a chance in hell would that happen on my watch!

He sounds worse and worse.

'As the provider I shouldn't have to live such a compromised life' What an arrogant, entitled and chauvinistic thing to say. Provider for whom? HIS children!

What worries me is that if he comes home to us late evening and leaves us early morning he's still going to feel like he's spent time with us, which in his mind will free up his weekends to go do whatever he wants. Leaving me basically alone every day of the week… I
I don't make friends easily and I really struggle in baby groups to socialise although I push myself to go to loads and try and talk to people. Explain all this to him. His reaction will tell you a lot.

he wants to have us around but never actually spend days with us Sadly I think this is the crux of it.

No time I didn't miss that bit at all. I can read . It's irrelevant now because the relationship is clearly not working so things need to change.

Glad you have your own income - don’t give it up!

Yet her “d”h suggested the move when he didn’t want to grow his business. Now he does he expects OP to just move again because it doesn’t suit him. I would personally go down to London for a few days and also do the odd weekend in London. Does he work from home down there? Would you get to see him or is he out working? It feels a bit like he’s given OP a taster of what her life could be like and now expects her to just uproot because it’s not quite what he wants. Maybe let him spend a week caring alone for your child and see how he finds it. Then disappear to the gym whilst he’s sat in alone.

I do think everyone has to be thought of within a relationship but he’s not saying he wants more of a family life. He basically wants to do more for himself. It reads that he provides financially and thinks he should be able to do exactly as he pleases and you can fit in.

He wants to be seen as the long term provider so that means that he gets to everything that he wants, go out, go to the gym, play golf.

Yep he’s using the provider line to manoeuvre what he wants.

Why should OP as ‘child rearer’ live a ‘compromised life’ for that matter.

Being SAHP may only be short term for OP any way. Arrogant rude disrespectful to talk in such terms.

This was probably never going to work from the start. You're fundamentally not on the same page geographically.

'Him coming home every night expecting his dinner and going out having fun with other people because I'm no longer fun now we have a child scares me so much.'

You are wise to be afraid, because that's what will happen, except, because you're living commuting distance, he'll still have an excuse to stay out.

He wants the single life, but with the wifey at home doing all the lifework whilst he plays golf.

This has 'won't work'/divorce all over it.

I've never read having a family as living a compromised life.
Ask him what he really wants from life?

Are you planning on returning to work as that should influence any decision? Commuting into London when there is a child to be dropped off and picking up from nursery and then school is the responsibility of both parents and from somebody who has done it, that is a life compromised, you are forever checking watches and train times!!

It's a good point about what you want to do in terms of work. Your baby is still so young so your plans may not be clear on that yet!

I'd get a job asap up there and then apply to divorce him.

Has he, by any chance, brought this up just at the point where your savings/maternity pay have run out?

I think you really should start regarding this marriage as in its final days. From what you have posted about him declaring himself 'the provider' when actually you have been contributing as much financially as he has, I think his plan is, quite consciously, to give himself power over you and keep you at home, providing domestic service, and being powerless to make a life for yourself. I think he likes the idea of being able to control the money, and making you ask for it when you need to buy food, or things for the baby - and he will make very sure that you do not get any opportunity to socialise.
This is what he has said: that he earns the money (just at the point where it's about to become true) so his wishes should come first.

Stay with your support network. Don't be fooled by his bullshit. You could, if you think that there is a loving husband and father in there somewhere, offer the compromise PP suggested, of him spending some weekends in London by himself and you and the baby going to London to visit him some weekends. If he agrees to that, spend the time when he is away brushing up your CV and looking into available childcare and part-time work. You need to make sure you are capable of managing financially without much input from him. Because he's going to give you as little as he can get away with.

We haven't figured out what I will do for work yet. I do plan to work eventually, but baby has of course changed our lives a lot I'm still breastfeeding exclusively we haven't figured out how childcare etc would work yet.