To think this is absolute bollocks!!! (Ex related)

[Emboo19]

So I know I should have thought about it a bit earlier, but.......just text my ex about mother’s day.
It will be his Saturday night/Sunday day that weekend and having just realised I text him to ask can we swap so he has Friday night Saturday day.

I’m really not sure what to do. I do want him to realise he can’t have it all his own way, but his do I do that without being spiteful back?

The only way you can achieve that is to have a court order that you rigidly stick to, and DON'T engage with him any further than is necessary.

Ignore the rather rude posters on this thread who obviously don't understand that sometimes you need to vent on MN to stop you saying something you'd regret in RL

He is being very petty.

You sound very petty too. Be careful of falling into the trap of using your DD as a weapon.

She is two, and is unaware it is Mother's Day. Do something special with her the day before.

Be civil with your ex, don't show him he's upset you.

You need to find a way through this and come out feeling you have done the best for your child. That is the only thing that is important.

It's very hard to find the ground that you can all walk comfortably on but that is where you need to get to for the best for your child. You are both adults, you both need to act as responsible adults. If one doesn't then you still have to remain as a responsible adult, don't lower your actions, don't play tit for tat - the only loser in that game is your child. Threatening to withhold your child from her father is just plain stupid and will not end well.

Hold your head up. If he continues to play games throughout her childhood the child will see through him. Do your best for her.

Unfortunately the reality of splitting from the other parent is that there will always be 'special' days when your child is not with you. You just have to get on and deal with it - the quicker you learn to work around it the better it is for all concerned.

Children should not be used as pawns in adults games neither do they belong to one parent.

Your child has two parents yet you make it sound like you are doing him a favour letting him face time or pop to see her. You're not, that's what good parents do.

You are going to have to get used to splitting the important days, they are not all yours by default. Yes it would be nice if he let you swap but given your comments on Christmas etc then it's likely the relationship isn't great and he's reacting to that.

Embo Stop directing things back to your ex and making out that he's worse when people call you out on your own behaviour.

None of this is about you, it's about what's best for your child. You keep saying you put her first but none of your posts suggest that.

"You're fed up of being the good one to put her first" - urm, that's what you're SUPPOSED to be doing.

You're not on a parenting points system.

I feel for you OP, your ex sounds so similar to mine. I would swap weekends all the time for him, to the point of rearranging work and everything because of course his swaps would be so he could do something without DS, but then I’d ask to swap a weekend so I could keep DS to take him to a party and I’d get a straight “no I’ve already made plans that I’ve paid for”.

Not helpful to Mother’s Day, and even slightly petty, but if ex has DD on that weekend then it means that DD will be with you for Father’s Day, so just point blank refuse to swap and make arrangements ASAP for that day with her.

For Mother’s Day though, perhaps drop it as it’s not worth the shit from him, enjoy the Saturday with DD doing something nice and take advantage of the fact that you can have a more chilled out Sunday with you DM and DG

It's quite clearly not just that it's Mother's Day Op has already said there's a family gathering with family from overseas who presumably her DD doesn't see much. Should they and DD miss out on the chance to spend time together because her dad is being a bit of an arse?

It is supposed to be OPs weekend. She switched it so he could go to a match, because she's accommodating. Now he's 'booked' swimming and won't switch because he 'might' be going out on Friday. HE'S the one not thinking about the DD, not OP. It makes no difference to DD what days she's in the pool but maintaining family relationships is important and good for her.

OP any chance you can suggest dropping off earlier on Saturday and picking up earlier on Sunday so that he doesn't have to switch his days but you may have the opportunity to attend the event together?

He's being pathetic. You don't ask someone for favour after favour unless you're willing to do the same for them. He's asked you to change weekends before, and you have done, but he's not willing to do the same for you, and some people on this thread think YOU are the unreasonable one?! I'd remind him that flexibility goes both ways, and if he's not willing to show you the same kindness you've shown him, then never to ask you again to switch weekends.

Just to clarify AGAIN I would never actually stop him seeing her at Christmas, birthdays, Halloween, any of it and I haven’t. I was angry and pissed off and venting. I’ve never even threatened him with any of that. I’d be happy if he wanted more time and if he wanted to split holidays, but only if he’s willing to split it fairly and properly.

Anyway, I’ve text him to say it would have originally been my Sunday if we’d not swapped two weekends in January for him. And my plans have been booked before his, so she won’t be going with him on Saturday night. He can have her Friday night and return her Saturday or he can have the whole of the following weekend which is his birthday. I’ll pay any lost money and I’ll re book and pay for swimming for him. And I’m booking mediation so we can sort things out.

Clearly, some posters haven't read all your posts.

He's being quite selfish, because in the past he's been able to be, without consequence, because you have been nicely accommodating. Why would he expect that to change?

So, what do you want in the future? Can your mum email him rescinding the invitation as a result of his refusal to switch days now? It would be better coming from her than from you. A message along the lines of what Sleephead1 said at 08:03 ^^ could make a difference if it came from your mum. Guys like him don't like to be found out by other people.

Sounds like a sensible approach OP

I swear to god that my ex is on here providing some of these ridiculous replies!

Honestly Jux I won’t even stop him coming at Easter. If I ask my parents to to let him for dd they will, as much as they don’t like how he’s treating me. That’s what I struggle so much with, I don’t want him to miss out for dd’s sake. But also for his, I don’t hate him (well I do right now!) I still care about him and want it to be easy and nice between us. His birthdays the week after mother’s day and I’d happily let him have dd which ever day suits or the full weekend or even just through the daytime if he’s going out. I’ve got him a few gifts from dd and was going to make a little cake with her, so they could share it when she went. And I just think why do I bother, when he obviously doesn’t even care that he’s had me in tears. I don’t get it, how can he claim he still loves me and yet be so horrible?

He hasn’t replied to my message, he tried phoning but I didn’t answer. He’s supposed to be coming tonight to see dd, and it’s the only night he can this week. But he’s not here yet and no message to say time etc.
I’m hoping for me he doesn’t come, my mums working late and I don’t know where my dad is. So I’ll have to see him and the thought of that is making me feel sick, I’ve had headache all day and I’ve loads of uni work to get done.
I just don’t think I can do it anymore.

Emboo you seem to have played it perfectly. I can see it's because of a family gathering with some from overseas that makes this Mother's Day not about you but about the pleasure your family will be getting from seeing the 5th generation (!) I hope your X responds pleasantly to your request and sees the light so you can fit it all in, though you've said he can have her Friday night when he's told you he "might have plans". He's clearly unhappy and still holding a candle for you. Good luck. Let us know what he says.

He came to see dd last night, but not until nearly 7.30! He was fine though, says he understood and will just have her on the Friday. I said he could just deduct the cost from what he pays on Friday, he said not to worry about that he doesn’t mind at all.
But he did mind when I first mentioned it

Hopefully he’s just realised from the days I’ve switched for him and he’s now being resonable, I can hope.

Well done OP. It is bloody hard parenting with another adult who doesn’t live with you and who doesn’t do the daily grind of looking after a house, working, kids etc etc and I think those that are not in that situation forget how tiring it is. Sounds like your DD will grow up bring a balanced child with two loving parents doing their best for her.

That’s what I find so frustrating Hell I’d love for him to have her more and I’ve offered midweek nights, but he can’t finish work early enough to collect her from nursery by 6pm. Yet I find out he finishes at 5pm for football training.
Where as I’m struggling to balance uni and working part time, with being a mum.

And I’ve got him to deal with and he’s honestly like Jekyll and Hyde at the moment. He’s already text to ask about changing the weekend after mother’s day, he’s completely ignored me saying we should look at mediation to make things more formal.
I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do!

I think you should book the mediation yourself - if he chooses not to attend you have evidence he didn’t attend.
You’re trying to make things better - and having a clear pattern is good for you and your child - everyone needs to know where they stand.
By swapping every weekend etc it’s confusing for everyone - why does he want to swap the weekend after mother’s day?

Would setting out a schedule, with dates, for the whole year be helpful do you think. A letter/email saying something like "what with all the swapping of weekends since September, I have worked out the following schedule. You will have dd on the following dates........ If either of us needs to change a date, then a fortnight's notice seems reasonable for each party. Can we finalise dates for the summer together in the next couple of weeks blah blah blah......"

At least you would have tried to make it more official without being aggressive, ie, not having involved a lawyer or mediator yet. That, of course, would be the next step.

Just stop swapping dates full stop. It's not being petty, it is keeping to clearly agreed arrangements. Being "flexible" only works if both parties are, otherwise someone just gets taken for a mug. Good luck.

Probably quite unreasonable to do that, but if you must return his awkwardness it would probably be better to refuse to change future plans.

yes, do that. Never switch with the arse again, but have Mother's Day on Saturday.

I think you are being unreasonable to an extent, at the end of the day it is down to you that you didn't realise it was Mother's Day, also you can't actually prove he hasn't booked something ? I'm not saying he has but if you stop him from seeing her on that day it will be a stick for him to use against him. At the end of the day mothers/Father's Day is just a holiday invented to make money (sorry for being a cynic) even though it's nice to do things as a family you could just do it the next day ? That way your being the bigger person if he is lying about paying for something already, you avoid the confrontation where the only real loser is your child and no one wins.

OP I think you are handling the situation well. Be factual, be fair but firm.

He’s been absolutely fine about mother’s day now. He says he genuinely didn’t realise when he booked swimming and he’d forgotten about my family event when he first said no. I know he’s lying and I don’t believe he’d booked anything, but I’ve just said thanks and left it at that.

I’m going to look into mediation Finally. Just haven’t had chance as yet. I’m sure he’ll come but not sure how much good it will do. He’ll just say everything’s fine as it is and he’ll still just do as he wishes.

I think I put things across wrong in my earlier posts, I was feeling very pissed off and not just over mother’s day.
But I absolutely do not want to control contact or stop him seeing her. I’d love more equal contact, I’d love for him to take some responsibility and be willing to actually be a parent for more than just the taking her nice places part. But he won’t!! I’ve offered split Christmas’s, more holidays even 50/50 he doesn’t want it!! Don’t get me wrong he’s not bad with her, she’s always well looked after and he always plans something for her.

Anyway he’s been good recently and were getting on. He even finished work early to collect her from nursery tonight as he knows I hate driving in snow!