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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is absolute bollocks!!! (Ex related)

131 replies

Emboo19 · 20/02/2018 21:23

So I know I should have thought about it a bit earlier, but.......just text my ex about mother’s day.
It will be his Saturday night/Sunday day that weekend and having just realised I text him to ask can we swap so he has Friday night Saturday day.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 20/02/2018 22:47

I'm sorry your ex doesn't put your DD first and I understand that you're sick of being the only one doing it.

The problem is that the only alternative is neither of you putting her needs first and that would be a lot worse.

As she gets older, she will work out for herself who cares more about her and who cares more about hurting her other parent. You need to be the one she has seen putting her first.

It's a shame that she will be missing the family get-together and it will affect your enjoyment of it too. If you plan carefully, you can avoid this happening in the future.

From now on, don't change the pattern of future contact to accommodate a variation in contact. If he can't see her one day, offer an alternative day to make up for it but keep the following contact unchanged.

If he asks for extra time with her for something important, agree it on condition that he accommodates an occasion like this that is important to you. Then you both benefit.

I'm really glad you don't intend to prevent him from seeing her on special occasions. That will make for a much more positive experience for your DD.

upsideup · 20/02/2018 22:49

So currently easter, her birthday and christmas are all falling on your days? So surely if he did agree to swap this weekend they would all fall on his days? Wouldnt you rather have her on her birthday and christmas, days that she will actually understand and enjoy than mothers day.
Or would you expect him to swap back again for them too?

Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/02/2018 22:56

But I bet when they fall on his, I won’t be seeing her Nicky.

And I’ll say it again I’d never actually stop him! So who’s thinking of themselves, when he comes here two nights a week so he can see her. When I change plans so he can still make football matches and spend time with his daughter, who gives him extra on my sundays so he can take her swimming. Bonfire night, Halloween both things he was invited to and came to. He even spent Christmas with my family in Australia.

But the one time I’m asking to swap and he’s booked something that doesn’t even need booking.

OP posts:
bluecashmere · 20/02/2018 22:57

OP I think people have been very harsh on you. I can understand why you are so upset.

Will he agree to your DD coming home earlier on Sunday in exchange for some of your time the following weekend? Talk to him about the benefit of your DD seeing your wider family.

What you need is a plan in place urgently - whether it's informal, through mediation or a court order - that deals with important dates like birthdays and Christmas. If you don't have this you will have endless grief rather than a pre-agreed and fair calendar.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/02/2018 22:59

They fall through the week upside he doesn’t have any days midweek and we don’t split holidays. He’s having her one full week in the summer, that’s all he’s wanted so far. He won’t split Christmas and Easter etc, even though her nursery place is term time only. He doesn’t get enough holidays (he says).

OP posts:
Notasunnybunny · 20/02/2018 23:07

As a florist I always do mother’s day the following weekend, unless you are marking it as Mothering Sunday and going to take communion at your mother church it really makes no difference when you decide to do it. The only good thing is you can get a reservation at any restaurant you fancy the Sunday after. Not always the case on the day itself.

Rachie1973 · 20/02/2018 23:12

Let OP have her vent. She's already said she won't stop him seeing his child.

She's just pissed off and letting rip here instead of in RL.

Good for her for keeping it private and away from her little one.

sanesera · 20/02/2018 23:15

Yabu

MayCatt · 21/02/2018 03:56

YANBU. I think you're getting very harsh replies on here OP.I can only think some are mra as they seem to be wilfully ignoring that this isn't down to your poor planning but your willingness to accommodate your ex's previous weekend changes.

I can entirely understand how upsetting it would be not to spend Mother's Day with your child. Especially given the large family event that is planned.

You sound like a great mum who puts your DD first. As a lot of pp have said, that means putting your child before you but it also means putting her before your ex at times too. Do what you need to do OP Flowers

videoInstructions · 21/02/2018 04:27

"I’ve stopped being quite so accommodating of him coming when he wants and FaceTiming when ever he likes."

There you go then.

Stella60 · 21/02/2018 04:44

I wouldn't stop him having her on this occasion, but remind him of how you have been flexible to suit him in the past, and let him know that you may not be in the future.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 21/02/2018 06:42

Thanks Rachie I was really angry last night and it was really just a vent. I know he does things just to have communication with me and so writing on here stopped me texting or ending up on the phone to him.

I just can’t win though. I’ve tried us being friends and getting on, occasionally doing things together and all that. Even though it was really difficult for me at first. But then he’d push for us to get back together or show more interest in me than dd. So I try put some distance between us and make things more formal and then any opportunity he gets to get at me he does.

We don’t have a court order or anything. That’s one of his other recent tantrums, he’s going to court, he wants this and he wants that. But doesn’t want to change anything in his life to actually accommodate having her more.
He actually suggested 50/50 where he’d have Thursday night-Monday morning one week and Friday night-Monday morning the next! So I’d never get a weekend with her!

I honestly didn’t even thing of the dates or checking earlier as I didn’t think he’d be this cruel. No way if Father’s Day fell on my days would I plan something and not let him have her.

I’m really not sure what to do. I do want him to realise he can’t have it all his own way, but his do I do that without being spiteful back?

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 21/02/2018 06:44

How not his

OP posts:
Notasunnybunny · 21/02/2018 07:03

Exactly op, he is doing it to get at you so don’t give him that power. Even if you are upset don’t let him see he has got to you just arrange something the following weekend and smile sweetly. Once he realises you don’t bite he likely won’t do it again.

CobraKai · 21/02/2018 07:18

I’ve stopped being quite so accommodating of him coming when he wants and FaceTiming when ever he likes."

So you wanted to put boundaries and structure in place and to stick to arrangements unless you want it to change? He's probably making a point then

Original poster
Emboo19 · 21/02/2018 07:48

That’s what doesn’t seem to work Notasunnybunny when he doesn’t get a reaction he just does something else. This mornings text, is saying he’ll bring her back later on mother’s day so I don’t have to leave my event early, he can’t possible drop her there, even though it’s actually nearer to his house. Like I’m going to be ok with her coming back later on mother’s day.

Yep, that must be it Cobra he’s making a stand against me only wanting to make changes that suit me on the one weekend I’ve asked to swap, compared to the 11 weekends since September that he’s changed. Or maybe it’s because I let him come for any two nights through the week, but I like to know which two by Sunday night so I can make plans, rather than him just turning up, or maybe it’s because I’ll only take a FaceTime call on the other nights when it’s dd’s Bedtime so he can say goodnight and not after she’s already been asleep for two hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 21/02/2018 07:50

Anyway he’s screwing himself over as he was coming for Easter Sunday but it’s at my parents and my mum said he’s no longer welcome. That’s not even on me, why should they be so accommodating when he won’t be for my family.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 21/02/2018 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleephead1 · 21/02/2018 08:03

op I would send a message saying it was originally your Sunday it only changed because of you allowing him to swap because of football and this is a incredibly important day for your family. you have another 16 years to co parent with him and you have allowed him to see her on all special occasions that have fallen in on tour dates and invited him to every event, happily swapped days with him for his benifit and you are obviously very upset that the arangnent doesn't seem to go both ways. Then see what he says as it seems like you always keep him involved and are very happy to swap with him and be flexible and actually he's very lucky. if he realises he might loose that hopefully he will reconsider

BangPippleGo · 21/02/2018 08:06

I don't think YABU. I've paid and booked for something for me, DH, DSS and DS forgetting that it was mothers day, just knowing from the calendar that it was our week to have DSS. Paid about £25 for DSS ticket. As soon as I realised it was Mothers Day, I completely and happily accepted that the money was a loss because DSS spending the day with his mum is far more important than my £25!

Sleephead1 · 21/02/2018 08:09

I would also mention fathers day and how he would feel and tell him your family is so very upset and see what happens

Inertia · 21/02/2018 08:10

I do understand why posters are telling you to take the more high ground for your daughter's safe, but it must be bloody galling to be the only parent who does put her first. I can see why you're pissed off, especially as the situation has arisen because you accommodated a previous change for him, when his reasons were pretty trivial.

I expect he's invited you along to swimming because he's realised that the logistics of swimming with a 2yo / changing her are something he needs help with.

bretonknickers · 21/02/2018 08:22

So he can fuck off it he thinks he’s coming to see her on Easter or her birthday or Christmas

Hmm
Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 08:41

Of course you're fucked off, because he's a selfish shit who doesn't put his child first and if he's lying about having made plans on Mother's Day then he's also using his child as a weapon.

Sadly however, you can't change his behaviour.

The only think you can do is rise above it. If it will be easier to stick to a rigid plan in future then do that and don't agree to changes and swaps once the plan is decided. Equally, sometimes shit like this will happen and you'll just have to try to see the bigger picture. Of course you want your child there at the family party, but maybe this time it isn't worth WW3 with your ex. If he sees how desperate you are to have it one way then inevitably he'll do the opposite (if he's anything like my ex)

So, accept that this year she won't be there and that actually, she wont know or care either way.

In future look at the diary a looooong way in advance and factor days like this in to what is agreed with him initially.

This shit will be going on for years so you may as well get your ducks in a row now.

videoInstructions · 21/02/2018 08:43

"So he can fuck off it he thinks he’s coming to see her on Easter or her birthday or Christmas, fuck him as they all fall on my days."

Jesus Christ!

Because you don't have your daughter for a day of celebrating you (it's mother's day), you're going to keep your daughter away from her father on her birthday and Christmas.

She's going to grow up resenting you.