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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is absolute bollocks!!! (Ex related)

131 replies

Emboo19 · 20/02/2018 21:23

So I know I should have thought about it a bit earlier, but.......just text my ex about mother’s day.
It will be his Saturday night/Sunday day that weekend and having just realised I text him to ask can we swap so he has Friday night Saturday day.

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 20/02/2018 21:56

It's just a day! Last year it fell on DH Birthday so we celebrated mother's day the following week. It was just a good.

If it meant that much to you, you should be more organised and made arrangements to swap months ago.

That said he is being somewhat awkward and I'm sure he could offer to bring back early or something. Next time don't be as quick to swap for him but please don't ever use your daughter as a pawn to punish him. That's not fair to her and once you start it's a slippery slope.

Cabininthewoods69 · 20/02/2018 21:57

I don't see that your using her as a weapon. I think.its a good idea to celebrate it on the Saturday and let her go swimming on the Sunday as planned. It's tough having a twisted ex so I sympathise with you but just don't let him know it effects you or he will carry on doing this shit. If got a god awful ex that my daughter won't see now even if I try to force on her that her dad is amazing she sees through me.

Nicknacky · 20/02/2018 22:01

I think there needs to be flexibility on both sides, but honestly don't waste your energy on this hallmark day. Save it for events that you really need a swap for.

ShawshanksRedemption · 20/02/2018 22:01

It sounds like you and your ex are still stuck in the same rut of reacting to each other. You feel he is controlling you to get it all his own way. He may feel you're inflexible.

If you can't give and take on both sides amicably, you'll just have to make no changes and the prearranged days stay as they are. If that means he doesn't see DD, then that is his choice as an adult. If even that can't be managed between you, you'll have to head to mediation and possibly court to arrange it.

JackietheBackie · 20/02/2018 22:02

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of letting him know that you were bothered. Vent on here, punch a pillow, but do not raise to his bait. If he is just doing it to annoy you, you will take the wind out if his sails by not being annoyed.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/02/2018 22:03

If it meant that much to you, you should be more organised and made arrangements to swap months ago.

Fair enough and I did say that!! But he knows me and knows my families plans and if we’d not swapped for him and stupid football it would actually have been my Sunday anyway. As would Father’s Day, but I wouldn’t have stopped him having her.

And I’m sick of not being petty. So he can fuck off it he thinks he’s coming to see her on Easter or her birthday or Christmas, fuck him as they all fall on my days.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 20/02/2018 22:05

Even though your daughter misses on on seeing her dad on her birthday or Christmas? Just because your are pissed off about a stupid day that we are supposed to celebrate mothers?

Wow. Just so you can get one over on your ex. But hey, as long as you are happy.

NotSoSprightly · 20/02/2018 22:06

And I’m sick of not being petty. So he can fuck off it he thinks he’s coming to see her on Easter or her birthday or Christmas, fuck him as they all fall on my days.

You're punishing your child because of your own feelings.

DancesWithOtters · 20/02/2018 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petalflowers · 20/02/2018 22:08

can't you move te day to the previous or following Sunday ? Your DD is two. She won't know the significance of the day. Different countries have different Mothers days, so it's not a fixed calendar event.

Justoneme · 20/02/2018 22:12

Please don’t use the child as a weapon. It’s his weekend with his child also. While it sucks it is what it is ,... make sure next year there is a better plan in place .... this is how high conflict parenting starts, don’t play the game,...

Gide · 20/02/2018 22:13

Not being funny, but Mothers’ day is a commercialised load of bollocks. You don’t need some idiot telling you when to celebrate being a mother.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 20/02/2018 22:14

You're punishing your child because of your own feelings

So what’s he doing? 5 generations of my family who will all be there, but I guess she’s not missing out on that! Can’t change the date as we booked it ages ago, when I was still with my ex.

I won’t actually stop him seeing her, I know I won’t and he does too. But I’m sick of being the good one who puts dd first, when he gets away with being a dickhead.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 20/02/2018 22:14

YABU and you know it! It's HIS weekend and he doesn't have to swap or even justify why he won't or what he's planning.

Put this on your fridge OP, and refer back to it the next time/s he asks you to change weekends...

BrendasUmbrella · 20/02/2018 22:15

And I'm being serious by the way.

Nicknacky · 20/02/2018 22:15

You can change it, you just don't want to.

He isn't doing anything wrong. It sucks yes, but it's going to happen now you are separated.

Goldmandra · 20/02/2018 22:19

You do realise that contact is meant to be for the benefit of the child, don't you? It is about her right to quality time to maintain relationships with both of her parents.

Mothering Sunday is a time for expressing your gratitude to your mother for the things she has done for you. Your DD is too young to do that and you don't need her by your side to do it for your own mother.

If Easter, her birthday and Christmas are all to be spent without contact with her father this year, you may well be condemning her to having to miss seeing one of you on every special occasion for the rest of her childhood or, when she's older, having to choose.

You need to stop focusing on what is best for you and turn your thoughts to building the cooperative pattern of contact and communication that will best support your DD's well-being as she gets older.

Having parents who live apart will be hard enough for her. If they are bearing grudges and using her to score points over each other, she will experience far more heartache than is necessary.

For your DD's benefit, you need to take this on the chin, plan better in future and start working with your ex wherever possible from now onward.

AgnesBrownsCat · 20/02/2018 22:19

Yes you’re unreasonable . It’s one day , celebrate if you must the day before .

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2018 22:19

Well that’s the way to garner sympathy Hmm

She’s not just yours. He’s her father. She’s not yours to just keep or deign to share, especially on special days.

If he won’t swap even when you ask nicely, and I’m assuming you did?! you don’t have to swap with him next time he wants a favour. But being petty is only going to hurt your shared child and create even more animosity between her parents who should both be trying to give her the best life possible despite ending their romantic relationship.

Take a big step back and recognise he’s probably not going to change his mind on this one BUT you could have asked earlier, she’s a baby so these aren’t longstanding traditions and you can take each request he makes as you want to in future but a grown up parenting relationship means not ranting about every little thing you disagree on and you’ve got another 12/14/16 years of this stuff ahead of you so buckle up.

PoptartPoptart · 20/02/2018 22:19

Nicknacky - if he won’t be flexible and let the op see her daughter on mother’s day because it falls on ‘his weekend’ why on earth should the op let him see her on ‘her weekends’ in future?
It has to be give and take, it works both ways.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/02/2018 22:20

Sorry to multi post, but stop bending over backwards for him. If it means he sees his DD less, so be it. That's on him, not you. Strong boundaries are worth establishing and will pay off in the end. Right now, he has it mostly his own way and he knows it. That's why he will push his luck as much as he can, yet veto anything you request.

Do you even have a court order, or is this informal? If it's informal, send him an email giving a list of all the times you agreed to change dates for him, and state that she will be staying with you this weekend, and you are happy to make that time up over the next two weekends or whenever is convenient to you. If he insists he has something booked, ask for proof. Anything you book will send confirmation which can be easily screenshot.

Nicknacky · 20/02/2018 22:22

pop I did say earlier on that there has to be flexibility on both sides. But pick your battles. And yes, she can choose now to be rigid but it will set them up for years of hassle.

And Christmas and birthdays aren't anyone's weekends. It's the child's day. Mother's Day isn't one of those.

Booboobooboo84 · 20/02/2018 22:23

I get why your dissapointed he is being ur but you can’t insist he changes. Your daughter is 2 and she won’t recall anything of the day although I’m sure she will have had a lovely time. And your right. He has set out his stall. So no don’t swap any more dates if it doesn’t work both ways. And if that means he does attend well he’s a deadbeat dad and she deserves better than that

zzzzz · 20/02/2018 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwilightRiver · 20/02/2018 22:24

What days fathers? Would it be on his weekend ?

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