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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to trip of a lifetime?

149 replies

feedmewinenow · 20/02/2018 07:37

Trying to hide some details but basically exH moved to the other side of the world when DD was 3. At the time he kept it a huge secret and only told me 10 days before he left despite having known for months due to visa applications etc. He went with OW who was from said Country.

At the time he left he was prepared to cut all ties with 2yr old DD (I know, I know!) and whilst I wanted to bury his body under the patio, I bought a globe and map of the Country he lives in so she could see where he was and facilitated contact. Move forward several years later and he has asked if 10year old DD can visit with his parents for 3 and 1/2 weeks in January!

However, DD will be in year 6 of primary and obviously not allowed the time off plus it’s an important year for her with the transition to secondary. First instinct is an absolute no, but AIBU? I appreciate the cost but she has 10 weeks off in the summer and if it was Christmas or Easter it would reduce the time off school but he won’t pay for that! He also doesn’t pay for DD and never has. I get the odd small amount when I specifically ask for something. (Which I do through gritted teeth but I’ve learnt not to be proud if it benefits her!)

OP posts:

tealady · 20/02/2018 11:21

Maybe also think carefully about how you word the reply to your ex. If you say its because of school and they subsequently offer different dates it would make it harder to refuse. So I suppose I'm really suggesting make it no because of multiple reasons not just because its in Jan and clashes with school.
You are a kind Mum to even consider the trip and I think you are acting totally in your DD's best interests by saying no, unlike your ex who obviously has no clue.

Original poster

feedmewinenow · 20/02/2018 11:24

@Fruitbat1980 Ooh not him from those initials but again, sad there is another useless dad out there! Plus, most of his friends here still think he’s ace! You know, having a Facebook profile pic of your DD and a Union Jack makes you Dad of the year! Especially when it’s a bloody pic I sent!!!

Thanks to those who have been supportive and kind! Most days I spend my life shouting at the kids, dreaming of spa days without them and drinking cheap white heavily but whatever it takes to get through the day eh! And it’s taken 8 years... the first two were spent sobbing/sending abusive messages and dreaming up painful deaths!

OP posts:

Original poster

feedmewinenow · 20/02/2018 11:29

@tealady Great advice as I’ve replied to say I’d need to think about it, but you’re right, I don’t think it’s right for her emotionally to face so much! I need to explain that and not just say Jan isn’t convenient! Much as he is a useless twat, I’m pretty sure he’ll get it and I need to be honest with him. He has got to face up to stuff and whilst I don’t doubt he misses her, it seems it’ll be 3 years this time round before he makes the effort to come and see her! I was just concerned I’m not holding her back with my own resentments but I’m convinced I’m not now.

OP posts:

Amatree · 20/02/2018 11:30

Why aren't you pursuing him through the courts for maintenance for your DD? That is money that should be improving her quality of life. I wouldn't dream of facilitating contact with someone who doesn't spend a penny to support her, that's not a father it's a waster who will only have a bad influence on her life. Glad you're not sending her there anyway, that would be an awful thing.

00100001 · 20/02/2018 11:32

No.

You'd be sending her around the world to stay with a stranger..... :/

pigshavecurlytails · 20/02/2018 11:36

What is the country? does it have a reputation for not returning children, not being signatories to the relevant conventions?

Original poster

feedmewinenow · 20/02/2018 11:39

With regards to maintenance, Initially due to the fact I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to pursue it and couldn’t afford a solicitor at the time but as times gone on, because I’m cutting off my nose despite my face! I have a good job and whilst I sacrificed a lot when she was younger we do have a nice life and in some misplaced justification, I wanted to show I could do it on my own!

Sounds silly but I do feel a sense of pride that I’ve done it on my own. More so now though because I think I’d get an absolute pittance and he has a life over there to support. My DD doesn’t miss out on anything and I have learnt to grit my teeth and ask! It hasn’t always been easy and I begrudge the early years when it was bloody hard but I think I’d be more annoyed to receive a paltry £5 a week or whatever as he’s currently working in a low wage job.

I know I should though and have a feeling he lied on his visa application as surely he’d have had to declare leaving a wife and child as dependents as we weren’t divorced and he truly left us in the shit!

OP posts:

Original poster

feedmewinenow · 20/02/2018 11:41

@pigshavecurlytails

I don’t want to name the specific Country but I’d get her back so that isn’t a major concern (possibly naively) but his parents wouldn’t do that (again, maybe naively but I’ve now known them 21 years and they’re good people) and also, and possibly even more sadly, he wouldn’t want her full time! He wouldn’t manage. Much has gone on but he appreciates the job I do as a Mum, not that I had much choice.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 20/02/2018 11:56

I wouldn't worry about her going with grandparents if they have a great relationship.

I think year 6 is a funny year, GS is currently in year 6 and seems to spend most of his time doing SATS papers and is bored to death. He doesn't know where he is going to senior school yet so nothing happening about transition yet.

Does she want to go? If she isn't bothered I wouldn't do it. If she really wants to I would seriously consider it, might not do it but I would give it alot of thought. Once she is in senior school you have 7 years with much less chance of being flexible.

grannytomine · 20/02/2018 12:00

OP I just wanted to add you sound a really caring thoughtful mum and your ex's parents sound great as well. It was obviously worth maintaining that relationship.

diddl · 20/02/2018 12:05

I think that she needs to be older to have a chance of coping with it all.

" She does adore him but if I’m honest, I think it’s more the idea of him that she’s built in her head as the two week visits are not all Disney Dad and she seems disappointed after."

She'd be trying to slot into his everyday life-a really big ask.

Bobbydeniro69 · 20/02/2018 12:13

You can't allow this for many reasons, and it seems like you have come to this conclusion.

Quite frankly, any parent or even grandparents that suggest or are complicit with taking a child of your daughters age out of school at her stage of education , are not to be trusted to be responsible enough to look after her properly on a trip like this.

Butterymuffin · 20/02/2018 12:14

Tell the lazy fuck to come here.

I think this covers it for me as far as he's concerned.

The GPs sound lovely (I bet they pay for his biannual trips back here, too) and I would say to them that you appreciate their good intentions in offering to take her, but it won't work. They would also find it harder than they imagine to relax and enjoy time with their loving son and their other grandchildren, while also attending to your DD, making sure she doesn't feel left out etc.

Curtainshopping · 20/02/2018 12:27

I don’t think it’s outrageous that he has suggested it. His parents are coming over and actually I think it would have been quite shit of him not to suggest she visits with them.

He probably had no idea that SATS are looming and as long as he accepts your ‘no’ graciously, I don’t think you should hold it against him that he asked.

HoppingPavlova · 20/02/2018 12:37

To the previous poster who said send her in Northern summer/Southern winter so she deliberately misses out on great weather - no, just no. Who would do that? After a flight of that length there and back she deserves great weather, lots of pool time and to enjoy true holiday time with siblings. If they are school age Jan will be the major school holidays.

I’ve taken my kids out of school for several weeks at a time if I think the trip will be worthwhile for them. I don’t think it matters until the senior years in high school, and then I work around scheduled school hols. It hasn’t seemed to have hampered their education. In fact one of mine has a LOT of time off school due to medical issues and that seems to have no effect on education either so I do wonder about the value of school in that regard at times. Textbooks at home seem to keep them up to date and performing well.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/02/2018 10:13

If it’s Aus it strikes me that he is doing it during their summer holiday. So again, to facilitate his life and not to benefit his daughter.

I’m not SATS precious at all, but in this case it would be my fall back excuse. She has summer holidays and that is when she can go.

HelenDenver · 21/02/2018 10:54

The dad isn't "doing it" at all, Diana.

The grandparents are going to see their overseas grandchildren at a time that suits their work and their budget and is in the GC's holidays so the GPs will get more time. The dad has offered to pay for his other child to join them.

It's not a good time for her with schooling and the dad seems like a dickhead ten ways from Sunday, but in this instance, I don't think he's the driver in the timings.

Ellendegeneres · 11/04/2018 10:22

Op how did he take it when you told him no?

niccyb · 12/04/2018 18:52

I wouldn’t let her go. For the sake of your daughter and arrange that he makes arrangement to come over here. If when she is older, she decides she wants to go then fine but let her see him here on neutral ground to start with

TenancyTroublesAgain · 12/04/2018 22:53

It's not the trip of a lifetime. I wouldn't allow it.

Why did you need to buy a globe?

Shizzlestix · 12/04/2018 23:42

Aus/NZ have summer holidays at that time, but it’s just not good timing for your dd. It’s too far and for too long. I’d say no.

Beeziekn33ze · 13/04/2018 00:03

As the GP are 'brilliant' and DD is doing well at school I'd send her. SATs preparation in Y6 has a heavy emphasis on pushing and dragging the lower ability pupils up to the magic level. The ones who are doing all right already can get very bored.
You like and trust the GP who would be there for her so she should be fine to experience a new country and, of course, meet her half siblings. Much as you may, understandably, dislike the idea, they are part of your DD's family and will be in the future.
Maybe you can even get that spa day if DP will look after your little one!

Sure you'll decide what's best for both DD and yourself.

eggcellent · 13/04/2018 00:08

This thread was two months ago, I'm sure the OP has probably already made up her mind...

5plusMeAndHim · 13/04/2018 08:27

I think she should go.you say paternal GPS support your DD, is that to the tune of what cm would be? If his parents are paying it on his behalf you being a bit disingenuous in your op when you say he doesn't pay

d
I would deregister her from school and then re-register her when you get back so long as her age group in the school is not oversubscribed

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