To say no to trip of a lifetime?

[feedmewinenow]

Trying to hide some details but basically exH moved to the other side of the world when DD was 3. At the time he kept it a huge secret and only told me 10 days before he left despite having known for months due to visa applications etc. He went with OW who was from said Country.

At the time he left he was prepared to cut all ties with 2yr old DD (I know, I know!) and whilst I wanted to bury his body under the patio, I bought a globe and map of the Country he lives in so she could see where he was and facilitated contact. Move forward several years later and he has asked if 10year old DD can visit with his parents for 3 and 1/2 weeks in January!

However, DD will be in year 6 of primary and obviously not allowed the time off plus it’s an important year for her with the transition to secondary. First instinct is an absolute no, but AIBU? I appreciate the cost but she has 10 weeks off in the summer and if it was Christmas or Easter it would reduce the time off school but he won’t pay for that! He also doesn’t pay for DD and never has. I get the odd small amount when I specifically ask for something. (Which I do through gritted teeth but I’ve learnt not to be proud if it benefits her!)

Phew! I feel better now. Honest first thought was no fucking way but I’m trying to be reasonable and rational! She will find out herself what an absolute dick he is.

To answer some questions:

Both myself and DD get along brilliantly with paternal grandparents as whilst their son is a selfish arse, they have also supported DD and see us regularly and DD stays overnight. They are local to us.

DD sees her father every two years when he returns like the prodigal father (normally for a piss up with mates!) and like a real grown up he stays with his mum and DD on an air bed! She does adore him but if I’m honest, I think it’s more the idea of him that she’s built in her head as the two week visits are not all Disney Dad and she seems disappointed after.

I set up Skype and email so she can message him but like any 10 year old, she doesn’t bother as she’s too busy doing other stuff (like YouTube and eye rolling at me).

He has a ‘new’ family over there and on occasion I’ve had to tell him not to skype her at grandparents when he’s in the pool with his other kids! What kind of twat does that?!!

Dd is bright and not a chance would I take her out if School for 3 weeks! Not just because of the fines etc but because she thrives at school, loves her friends and routine and it’s such a crucial age, not just for education but for feeling settled and friends.

Thanks for all your responses. I tried to be reasonable in my first post but like I said, if I had my way he’d be under the patio. Luckily, after a couple of devastating years I did meet someone who has taken DD on as their own and has shown her what a true ‘dad’ is and she has a lovely life here.

NFW! She doesn't even know him or his relations. He can come over here first. He's got a cheek to even ask. Why would you send her to strangers who've treated her appallingly already, or have any contact with them at all?

Depends on how her relationship with him and his parents has been during the last 8 years.

I would try to let her go, if it was me.

Cross - posted, Sorry!

Yes i would let her go due to great relationship with grandparents. It will give her fabulous memories

A very firm ' NO'. I wouldn't give it anymore head space if I were you.
Keep her safe, with you.
If when she is eighteen, she wants to visit, then so be it, otherwise, he can come over here. The End.

Sorry I missed a key point! She’d travel with grandparents but would stay with OW (yep I’m still bitter after this time! And that’s why I don’t know whether I’m BU) and their 3 children who she has never met! Two of which are biologically her half siblings but she has never met and does not have a relationship with! Due to costs they’ll only travel in January. I wouldn’t be going as I wouldn’t have the time off work so wouldn’t be an option.

The school side of things wouldn't bother me. The rest of it is madness. The fact they do t really know each other, the grandparents, the distance.

I agree that it's so not the trip of a lifetime. You can fly to Australia and back for £900 if you go on. A more unpopular airline or £1500 for the popular ones.

My big worries would be if she was unhappy and she wouldn't be able to get home or even easily communicate with you. There is the time difference and you have to change your phone SIM so she would be at the mercy of the adults facilitating that.

More worrying is what if she loves it! It's summer, it's the holidays. Hooray, have an ice cream, let's go to the zoo. And she has to come back home to the SATS. I know somebody whose 13 year old dd who went to stay with her mother, who had left her in the UK at 8, didn't go back after she had been there for a holiday. Everyone at the Australian end thought itbwas great. 'Ohhh, she will have a much better life here'. I had to walk away and I threw up behind a tree.

I'm sure she loves you far far more than she is ever going to love him.

In that case talk to her grandparents about the sats issues and try to sort out an alternative date. I think she should go but he needs to be seen to be understanding her priorities and putting her first.

I was going to say no outright until I read your recent post. He's not a stranger and she loves her GPs. However - 3 1/2 weeks off school in year 6 is a very bad idea, and you wouldn't get permission anyway.
Wait till she's older.

I’ve said about dates and they’re not willing to change them mainly because one GP works in retail so is limited to chunks of time they can have off.

I am terrified she’ll love it as well which makes me worry I’m being selfish. That’s probably my biggest fear.

It's obviously a no, but what also bothers me is that it is a whole year away. So even after 8 years he is in no hurry to see her. I fear you could agree to this and then he could spend a whole year fiddling with the goal posts, when you have already committed a lot of emotional energy and money.

Have his parents not seen him for 8 years.

You do not take weeks out in Year 6.

Still a no from me.

I would say an absolute no. I wouldn't even consider alternative dates. He isn't a father in any meaningful sense of the word. It is telling that he won't pay for her to travel in the holidays, when she is off school - this is a man who does not have her best interests at heart at all. He's probably only asking because his parents want it. She will be too far away for you to get her if it all goes wrong and she is upset - he and his family are strangers!

It will be you that gets the fine for missing school, not him.

No!
Just that.

There is no way school would allow it due to it being SAT year.
When do school do the residential would she be missing that by going?
Suggest he changes the date safe in the knowledge that he won't as it would mean forking out more?

No way.school alone is enough of a reason not to.

Also, there is a chance she could go and see how he is with his other children and it could be hurtful and damaging. Of course, it could go the other way but

I wouldn't risk that.

Once he has started paying proper maintenance, he can try a bit of disney-dadding

Once he has bothered to visit her himself

Don't do it

Absolutely not a chance.

It is most definitely NOT a trip of a lifetime and will scupper her schooling in a key year.

If he wants to see her, he comes here and slowly builds up a relationship.

I would not want to be your dd stuck there in a strange country with family she has never met and a 'father' she barely knows. Quite apart from the obvious safe guarding issues as you won't know who she is with.

No bloody way would I even consider it.

He comes back for a fortnight every 2 years, and parents have been out twice in the 8 years.

When he comes back for the fortnight she goes to stay at his parents with him. Even in those two weeks she comes back to my house to stay as she’s ‘bored’ or missing us. I trust his parents hence the two weeks that she stays (plus they’re only a few miles away) however, I’d be reluctant for her to even stay two weeks solely with her dad locally due to the fact he has no clue! He won’t even brush her hair as ‘he doesn’t know how’! They went to a UK wedding and he brought her here to get ready as he couldn’t do her hair! Erm...we have hairdressers for that!

What do the grandparents think? Would they be staying in the house too?

BTW I would not consider under any circumstances on any day, school term time or otherwise. This is very unwise. HE needs to make the effort, HE needs to visit her where she is comfortable and safe, and certainly not the other way around.

Interestingly despite seeing grandparents at the weekend, they haven’t mentioned it. I think that they are trying to not get involved in the sense that they would love her to go with them but don’t want to upset me. I also think Grandma would be very aware that it’s too long out of school but it’s the only time they can afford to go. He won’t pay for them, just DD.

There's SAT's at school in May of Year 6. Some secondary schools use the results to help place them in the relevant set when they start their new school in September.

Can't speak for your school, but our school ramped up the SAT's work after the Christmas holidays and is running extra sessions after school. If your school does similar, she will miss out on a lot of SAT's work.