To say no to trip of a lifetime?

[feedmewinenow]

Trying to hide some details but basically exH moved to the other side of the world when DD was 3. At the time he kept it a huge secret and only told me 10 days before he left despite having known for months due to visa applications etc. He went with OW who was from said Country.

At the time he left he was prepared to cut all ties with 2yr old DD (I know, I know!) and whilst I wanted to bury his body under the patio, I bought a globe and map of the Country he lives in so she could see where he was and facilitated contact. Move forward several years later and he has asked if 10year old DD can visit with his parents for 3 and 1/2 weeks in January!

However, DD will be in year 6 of primary and obviously not allowed the time off plus it’s an important year for her with the transition to secondary. First instinct is an absolute no, but AIBU? I appreciate the cost but she has 10 weeks off in the summer and if it was Christmas or Easter it would reduce the time off school but he won’t pay for that! He also doesn’t pay for DD and never has. I get the odd small amount when I specifically ask for something. (Which I do through gritted teeth but I’ve learnt not to be proud if it benefits her!)

I think you'd find a serious issue at school more than anything else, due to year 6 SATs. She would miss a serious chunk of schooling over 3 1/2 weeks. My DD2 got tonsillitis a few weeks before her SATs and the teacher actually dropped work round for her to try and do, as she was so concerned about the timing of it all. It's not the holiday of a lifetime, it is a trip to see a MIA Disney Dad and I'm surprised that the GPs are so inflexible knowing your DD is at school! I would say no.

I wouldn't be too fussed about the SATs, what would concern me is the emotional impact on her. To meet her half siblings and step mum is a massive thing in itself. To spend nearly a month living with them is another massive thing and to do all that so far away from you, her main emotional support, is enormous. Given all that this trip is a no.

However although her dad is a tremendous waste of time and space and doesn't seem to put her need first, those far away children are her siblings so I think it is important that she gets to know them. Could you maybe offer a compromise that you could take her out there in the summer and stay near him so she could visit/sleep over as she feels comfortable.

She can't miss 3,5 weeks of school in January in Year 6, would you not be de-registered from the school?
She'll be really behind in everything and SATs sometimes determine which set you are put into at secondary school.

Just say its a lovely idea, thank you, but it needs to be in the school holidays.

No
She goes in her summer holidays. Simple.

If he is in Australia then January is his kids summer holidays, so i guess it means she could spend more time with her siblings, or he cant be arsed to look after her at any other time....

Definitely no.

@MadMags I agree, you worded it well and I accept she will form relationships with her siblings at some point and I absolutely don’t blame them. More it’s the thoughtlessness of her Dad who didn’t play a role for my DD yet appears on Skype as a very visual ‘wow look at me’ which does hurt her. Though, I get your point that actually at least he’s stepped up for his other children which can only be a good thing!

@Aprilshowerswontbelong fuck off! You make such a shit point considering she does have a much loved sibling that she absolutely adores created by my own fair self However, had I not had any other children your point would have still been malicious and make you sound like an absolute twat! I hadn’t mentioned that as it’s irrelevant but erm yep, fuck off!

Ugh god no. Tell him to go and fuck himself.

No no and no.

Why should she miss important schooling to see a 'father' who doesn't pay maintenance and wanted to cut her out of his life?
People are right, do not let her go alone, she may not come back, you do not know his real intentions.
Not really trip of a lifetime if you are visiting him under strained circumstances, you will not be sight-seeing AND HELL why should you pay to go to him.
Get him to start paying some sort of monthly maintenance to you and say he can come to her in the summer hols when she has free time. He should fit his schedule around her.

This would be a definite no from me. He’s hardly had any relationship with her in the past 8 years and was prepared to cut all ties with her. It’s just too long and too far .
The school thing wouldn’t really bother me, my ds has had 2 periods off school for trips to Australia and he’s in high school. They don’t give it as “authorised leave” but I haven’t been fined or given into trouble.

I would say no - she needs to be in school - and I think he should come here and spend more time with her and pay CM and generally be less shit.

But... the grandparents need to go in Jan because of their work and affordability of their own tickets and the DD has been asked to go at the same time. That aspect of it isn't the dad's fault.

It would be quite a different kettle of fish for the dad to pay for 3 tickets in the UK summer peak than for one off peak ticket, or for him to ask the DD to travel as an unaccompanied minor if she was to go in the summer without the GPs.

It would be good if he could come across in the UK summer and spend proper time with her post-SATs.

She can visit him when she has grown up and finished school. This is not the time for a trip like this. It isn't a now or never situation - Australia/ New Zealand (or wherever) will still be there in 6-8 years time.

No.

On every level.

No.

It is most definitely NOT a trip of a lifetime and will scupper her schooling in a key year.

Totally disagree that a holiday will scupper her schooling, that's complete brainwashing by an education system that has to tick boxes and cater for millions of children.

But I agree that this is definitely not the holiday of a lifetime, and will be an opportunity for her in the future IF he builds a proper relationship with her and actually puts her needs first.

No, I wouldnt let them go. I think children have a right to know their siblings but there will be time for meeting them when they are older. Realistically they cant have any normal sort of sibling relationship when they arent growing up in the same country.

It's far too long for a young child to be with almost strangers, the biological parent has kept contact (for those who havent read the thread) but its minimal.

I'd save up for a visit to Australia when she's older. If he has money e is willing to use to benefit her - not him - then he can save it for her university costs.

@feedmewinenow I'm glad I didn't upset you, and I can see why your dd would be hurt! It's a horrible situation because of the actions of one arsehole of a man!

Anyway, tell him she can't miss school but if he wants, he can send the money he'd have spent on her flights and you will use it to, you know, raise his child!

The fact that the timing and length of this trip is designed to suit everyone but her would also be a big red flag to me. So the Aussies (or NZers) are all on summer holidays at that point - great - and it suits his parents - again great! But what about your DD? Absolutely no one seems to care that it doesn't suit her at all and that this is an important school year for her. This is all about him, not her.

If he wants to see her he needs to stump up her fare in the summer and pay the difference on GPs flights compared to January prices.

It’s not as if he’s discommoded by actual financial support.

Is it not possible to target people through CMS who live abroad?

I could have written your post virtually word for word. Scarily similar situation here, except that I have links with ex's country so have taken DD there a number of times (when it suited me).

Nothing to add to PP's excellent advice. He needs to be the one showing that he can put your DD first for once and be the one to come here - his cost, his effort, but at a time that works for her schooling. If he manages to build a proper relationship with her, then visits to his country can be considered.

I do agree that the importance of Yr6 and SATS can be overegged, but given that the visit (either way round) could take place at another time, why would you allow that much disruption??

I curse myself for having my DD with such a rubbish father, but sounds like we've both made up for unfortunate judgement first time round by providing our DDs with amazing step-fathers

OP return flights to Australia start at £439. If he wants to see his daughter he could surely manage that every couple of years as he would have no further expenses (staying with parents).
Under no circumstances should a child attempt such a long journey without you even if she has her grandparents with her. I have done it many times as an adult and I can assure you being cooped up in an economy seat is no fun. It is stressful and she will also be stressed at the prospect of meeting the other family. Very simply the answer to you ex should be no way. Period.

juneau, I'm guessing what happened is that the GPs wanted to go and visit their other grandchildren (fair enough!) and arranged this at a time that fitted with their work and the holidays of those GCs. All that is fine.

Suggesting that DD comes too is pretty naive given school etc and I expect the grandparents know it, which is why they are staying out of it.

It's a no from me too

I am guessing it is Australia or New Zealand or an island in that region

Anyway, it will be much cheaper to fly there in DD summer holiday, could you in future go there with her during her school holiday? Once she is truly settled in senior school, like year 8/9 or something

I would also think a good thing cos it will be their winter and depending where he lives that won't be amazing weather that makes her think it is the most amazing place ever and not want to come home

I would not send her with her GP even if they love her and she loves them aged 10 cos I would worry about him having a bad reason for wanting her there but obviously if he wasn't a plonker going away with GP is a lovely thing to do

I think before she goes she could Skype or FB friend (once she is 13 obviously cos no child joins FB before 13 ) with her half siblings so that they aren't completely strangers when they meet

Totally agree and YANBU in saying no for now but maybe yes in the future

Absolutely not.

Jeez, why are you even asking? No way would I send my DC to stay with effectively a stranger for 3.5 weeks. I think she will miss you terribly.

SATS are a complete stress parade for absolutely benefit for the kids that are put through them.

HOWEVER...

Schools need the performance figures so they place ridiculous amounts of pressure on the kids.

The school won't allow that time off, there will be a fine, and she will miss too much schooling at an important time, she is going to be stressed enough without coming back feeling (and being made to feel) that she has done something wrong/fallen behind.

I would tell the Ex a firm NO, that if he has the cash to splash flying his parents and kid down there, he can pay regular maintenance like decent parents do.

Incidentally... isn't there an agreement between Aus/NZ for child maintenance? You really are missing a trick if you don't investigate that.

He just abandoned his DD, was prepared to cut ties with a toddler You don't trust him, hell would freeze over before you trust her with your DD (don't blame you) and you know she can't cope with more than a couple of days of him and his parents.

It's a NO. a massive no on every level. This trip is not about her, it's not for her benefit.