To say no to trip of a lifetime?

[feedmewinenow]

Trying to hide some details but basically exH moved to the other side of the world when DD was 3. At the time he kept it a huge secret and only told me 10 days before he left despite having known for months due to visa applications etc. He went with OW who was from said Country.

At the time he left he was prepared to cut all ties with 2yr old DD (I know, I know!) and whilst I wanted to bury his body under the patio, I bought a globe and map of the Country he lives in so she could see where he was and facilitated contact. Move forward several years later and he has asked if 10year old DD can visit with his parents for 3 and 1/2 weeks in January!

However, DD will be in year 6 of primary and obviously not allowed the time off plus it’s an important year for her with the transition to secondary. First instinct is an absolute no, but AIBU? I appreciate the cost but she has 10 weeks off in the summer and if it was Christmas or Easter it would reduce the time off school but he won’t pay for that! He also doesn’t pay for DD and never has. I get the odd small amount when I specifically ask for something. (Which I do through gritted teeth but I’ve learnt not to be proud if it benefits her!)

I’d say no and I’m pretty much the most flexible person with my ex

Tell him to come to her.

And why are you even contemplating taking her out of school?

It's not a trip of a lifetime - he's settled there, his base is there, she can visit when she is older and appreciate it more. My DH is from NZ, our children visited quite frequently with us and then have since visited NZ and OZ on their own, travelling around and doing what interests them, not just family time. Bit odd about the fares if he is in OZ, though, as they shoot up around Xmas and January .

@nottwins I thought I’d be easily identifiable but sad that there are more shit dads out there! Praise the Lord for cracking step dad’s to restore our faith

Just to add I absolutely have no issue with grandparents. They are brilliant and I understand that January is when it suits them and, of course they want to see their other GC. Just to big them up a bit more they have taken on the role of GP with my DD’s younger sibling and don’t distinguish between the fact that only one is their biological grandchild.

A point made by a previous poster was spot on...meeting siblings she’s never met before, ‘step mum’ (ahem) she hasn’t seen for 8years in a country almost a day away would be emotionally challenging even with full support, so why did I even consider it with limited support?!! That in itself is everything! Also, some of you are spot on...this is 100% about DD fitting in with plans and I have always done this when I felt it would be to her benefit or not affect her emotionally. It’s time she was the priority and plans were based on her wants and needs!

You guys (most of you anyway ) talk some sense!

Well put, OP!

Glad the GPs are good 'uns.

@mari652 I’m not convinced it’s the fares, more the fact that’s when GP can have a bulk of time off and also, when his children will be off school. They are looking at last couple of weeks of jan and beginning of Feb.

Just out of interest, would he be paying for her fare? If so, how can he afford that yet not give you any money for her food? If not, he's even cheekier than I thought!

she should know her siblings . She may resent you in the future for keeping her from them

Seriously? It was his choice to fuck off to another country to start his second family. It's his choice to only visit his DD every couple of years. It's taken him 10 years to invite his DD over to meet her siblings. But apparently OP is responsible for her DD not having a relationship with her half siblings

OP, there is no way I would agree to this. Even setting aside the issue of taking your DD out of school for almost a month in Year 6 (which is bonkers!) I would be concerned about how she would feel when she was out there. Three and a half weeks away from your primary carer is a hell of a long time at 10yo and given the level of sensitivity her Father has shown thus far, does he understand this at all? Will he be able to comfort her if she becomes upset or homesick?
He's asking for way too much, all in one go, after years of offering her only scraps of his time and affection. I would suggest that if he wants more of a relationship with your DD your ex needs to start by increasing the frequency of his visits to the UK, where she can get to know him on safe, familiar territory. If that goes well then perhaps a shorter visit, in school holidays so as not to interfere with her education, may be reasonable.

You're a much kinder person than me.
Sending a 10 year old to stay with a dad that can't even brush her hair where she cannot possibly return early if it becomes too much is a big massive no.
The school would fine you.
Great the GP's are lovely but still it's no mum for too long and too far away to a selfish git. Not on.
Pleased you have since moved on and have a good family life without the git. Well done!
YANBU.

I would let her go if she wants to go. It's a chance to meet her half siblings and to forge more of relationship with her dad and grandparents. Year 6 is not crucial. It's endless SATS drilling. Once she's in secondary a trip like this would be a problem. I think she could end up resenting you if you stand in the way of this trip. For the sake of your relationship with her I'd let her go.

And a final thought, it’s not somewhere I’d travel to (mainly because he lives there so me taking her to fit in with his plans is not an option. He’s alive because he lives so far away , we have a ‘relationship’ purely for my DD- I send him pics, I keep him updated, we can be friendly and when he’s here on those rare occasions we go out for dinner as a 3... but, I hate how he behaved towards my DD, I’ll never forgive him for offering to cut all contact if it made it easier and whilst I can play the long game for DD’s sake and it’s easy because out of sight is out of mind, I would never justify spending huge amounts of money to visit the Country because I don’t want to go there.

Please don’t think I’m a bitter, shrivelled ex, we have a great life now but I’ll never, ever comprehend how someone leaves their toddler, even now, I can’t get my head round it. Plus I could take my family to Disney for the money and have an amazing family holiday which we all benefit from so selfishly, me going over there is never going to happen!

If her GPs don't see the other kids often there's also a chance that they might make a lot of them & unwittingly make your daughter feel left out.

Is this the first time the GPs have visited-so it would be handy (for him) if they just take her also?

Not a chance.

@MyBrilliantDisguise I’m not convinced he would be paying her fare if I’m honest! I have a strong feeling that GP’s would be hence why it’s only this time period (and fair enough for them as that when they can have time off!) and also why he won’t be coming back this year or next as I don’t think he can afford it! (That is guess Work on my behalf though with a bit of insider gossip which I can’t mention as it’ll out me) When I’ve actually specifically asked for things sub as uniform they’ve always had to be able to be purchased or paid for by credit card! If it’s a trip that needs paying for by cash then it’s a no go. There is never an option for him to transfer cash as I’m not convinced he has it!

GP’s have been before twice in the 8 years but there is a new GC now who’ll be a toddler when they go over. I think Grandma would be sensitive and understand this but Grandad will be in his element as they are all boys! I also couldn’t blame them for being fussy to see other GC but not sure DD would fully understand as she is pretty much their everything here and she wraps them round her finger.

He needs to make the effort and see her for short periods. No way is this acceptable and would not be the trip of a lifetime to spend time so far away from home and mum with a near stranger.

Well, he's a prince, isn't he?!

In that case (and for many other reasons) I'd decline his kind offer! You're lucky his parents are so nice to you all - and they're lucky you're so nice to them, too! They must be ashamed to have such a knobhead for a son.

OP you sound so sensible and grounded. It would definitely be a great big NO from me too, but reading between the lines I think this was pretty much what you thought from the beginning anyway!

You’ve clearly always put your DD first which is why I think you’ve agonised over it potentially being the ‘trip of a lifetime’ (or has the ex suggested this......?) It might be an amazing thing to do when she’s 18 but not at her age even with the great relationship she has with her GPs.

The school side I would have no issue with at all. I susoectvthat they might give you an ok due to circumstances anyway.
The going to see her dad I would have no issue either IF she actually had a good relationship with him. I suspect that it’s not as rosy as that.
The siblings aren’t the issue. Of course, she doesn’t know them but she won’t if she never goes to see them!!

No I wouod have several issues that might be different
1- is about doing such a long trip all on her own. Has she ever travel by plane and in long journey.
2- is whether her dad will actually be available during those 3 weeks. Or is it an issue of her coming, him looking good and his wife doingnall the hard work, knowing that you have no idea how said wife will be with your dd.
3- how does she feel about being away from home for that long? I know my dcs would have had no issue at that age. But not all dcs would.

Last but not least, it’s not about letting her have a trip of a life time. It’s about encouraging her to have a relationship with her dad. It’s about her, her well-being in the short and the longer term.
I have to say, I wouod wonder for example of the money for that trip wouldn’t actually be better spent on things for her (that you can’t buy atm because he isn’t paying regular maintenance)

My dd is year 6 and after Christmas they started gearing up for SATS so no I wouldn't allow it as her education is far more important right now than a holiday.

I would say no purely because the potential for emotional fallout is high and neither her father or the GPs will be equipped to deal with that because they're all too invested in it being a success.

I am guessing you live in the UK and he f**ed off to the Antipodes where their long summer holidays are in December/January?

So whatever is convenient for him, especially since his parents will be there too to do all the child care? no thought to what is best for your DD, her education or you?

Tell him to get lost.

Can't you chase him up for all the child support he failed to pay you over the 8 years?? :)

I can’t ever predict how the future will pan out with regards to my DD resenting me so that isn’t a theory I can work on. All I can do is try my best to make the right decisions for her.

Her dad chose to move to the other side of the country, her dad is offering a visit at a time that means she will miss out on school and she is good kid so would worry about this particularly as it’s year 6! To those who suggest I’m not letting her develop a relationship with her Dad and siblings...did he not do that more so with his decisions? Does the fact he visits once every two years suggest anything? I’m open to listening to ideas and options but struggle that ‘I’m stopping her’.

However, as she’s said from day dot of watching shite romcoms with me, that she wants me to give her away when she gets married, I think I’m doing an alright job of bringing her up and I reckon we’ll be just fine. After all, I’m the one that has single handedly supported her and didn’t leave her to live in another country!

He’s her dad, I’ll always back and support that and where I can, facilitate contact as I have already done above and beyond but in this case it’s a definite no! Because I have to make decisions that I think will be the best. And hey, if she can forgive him for fucking off for the last 8 years, I reckon she’ll forgive me this! Plus she’s 10, I’ll bribe her with tat from Amazon

Yanbu. I wonder if I know you (well him?) is he LC! If not there’s at least another fecker like him on the loose. Exact same set up, same ages, same amazing GP’s. He’s a complete liability. If it’s any consolation he used to be a friend and everyone for miles around is sat back thinking you (if it is you?) are bloody awesome and he is a good for nothing twat for abandoning his daughter.

I've nothing new to add but just wanted to say you sound like a fantastic Mum. Your DD is very lucky to have you. And FWIW I wouldn't allow her to go either.