To say no to trip of a lifetime?

[feedmewinenow]

Trying to hide some details but basically exH moved to the other side of the world when DD was 3. At the time he kept it a huge secret and only told me 10 days before he left despite having known for months due to visa applications etc. He went with OW who was from said Country.

At the time he left he was prepared to cut all ties with 2yr old DD (I know, I know!) and whilst I wanted to bury his body under the patio, I bought a globe and map of the Country he lives in so she could see where he was and facilitated contact. Move forward several years later and he has asked if 10year old DD can visit with his parents for 3 and 1/2 weeks in January!

However, DD will be in year 6 of primary and obviously not allowed the time off plus it’s an important year for her with the transition to secondary. First instinct is an absolute no, but AIBU? I appreciate the cost but she has 10 weeks off in the summer and if it was Christmas or Easter it would reduce the time off school but he won’t pay for that! He also doesn’t pay for DD and never has. I get the odd small amount when I specifically ask for something. (Which I do through gritted teeth but I’ve learnt not to be proud if it benefits her!)

Op, he has had zero experience looking after her, he does not have the first clue how to care for her. He barely knows her. What an extraordinary request from him given he has contributed nothing to her life?

I am not sure how dd would feel being there alone with him, I would be pretty scared in that position, and she can't just come home when she is bored or missing you.

It would be a no from me. You've fascilitated contact despite him leaving you years ago, not supporting your daughter and have allowed a relatiobship with his parents. You've been more than reasonable. Ex sounds like a prize twat

He's no father to her. Why on Earth are you considering sending her across the world to him at all, much less in a SAT year? That's just daft.

Maybe time to go to court for maintenance? REMO applies between UK and Aus/NZ etc.

Absolutely not for one of many reasons listed!

(Logistically, school, their weak relationship needs time and effort to build not crammed into a cheaper one off trip)

I'd frame it as, it's great you want to start building a better relationship/paying your late share, let's talk about what's best for HER here!!

If he really wants to see her (apart from the obvious solution of visiting the UK more than once every 2 years!) then he can pay for the GPs to go over in the summer with her (assuming they could manage to get the time off work). I wouldn't allow it in January because of school, but I'd also be wary of her having to stay, not only with OW (and without GPs) but with his other kids that she doesn't know. Why can't he bring his new family over here to meet her first?

Nope. It’s all about him, isn’t it? He could fuck right off.

Why can’t he come over here and visit her initially?

Thank you all! Sometimes you just need a sounding board to confirm.

Her emotional well being is my priority and I know her better than anyone so it will be a no. Purely for the fact that if she needs me, I can’t get to her! Writing it down made it obvious, if she can’t even cope with two full weeks of him and GP, how will she manage over 3 weeks with them and all the emotional shit of watching him play happy families. She’s not daft and I think that alone will devastate her!

Once she’s older and he prioritises her and offers to pay for flights that don’t have an impact on her education then I’ll reconsider.

What’s interesting is that I now know that he’s not planning coming back this year or next if his parents are visiting, nor did her come back last year so that’ll be 3 years with him not bothering! Unfortunately whilst he says he misses her, the actions speak far louder. I’m well aware there will be pieces to pick up when she clicks on but at least I can hand on heart say that I did everything to protect her.

It's a no from me

How close is your daughter to his parents/her grandparents?

Could you trust them to bring her back?

How does she feel about it all?

Has he been back to visit his parents, did he manage to visit you and your daughter on the same trip?

Somehow I can’t see this trip coming off - not as planned anyway.

There might be a bit of upset, angry letters etc but in the scale of things........

All th3 best.

I think you’re doing the right thing. The absence from school is enough to say no but for her wellbeing and happiness, I’d say no too. If you were close by or She could come back if needed then it would be different.

I’d also say that he needs to step up being a dad and coming over more regularly

January-August sounds like the perfect opportunity for him to save for flights and a hotel for the both of you to visit over the summer. Even if she gets on well with GPS she’s not a temporary novelty for him, she has feelings and would want you near if this dickhead upsets her.

I would say definitely not, but talk to her about when she's older and how great it will be to have a family in another country when she can go there independently and really explore the place. Which it will be- once it's her decision as an adult to make the trip, and once she's emotionally ready for it as you describe above. But it doesn't sound like you owe this man anything. Grandparents sound nice.

No.

So he's taken on someone elses child, had two more & they possibly have a better lifestyle?

Absolutely no way!

Another No vote here. For the sake of maintaining good relationship with the grandparents, stick to not wanting to take her out of school for that long in Year 6, and once you have said that to all concerned, smilingly refuse to discuss it any further. Though if DD wants to talk about it, you can discuss going when she's a bit older/another time/when you can go with her (and stay in a hotel or something so you are there if she wants you.)

Imo you are denying your dd the chance to meet her half siblings - regardless of exh /ow and all your negativity surrounding the whole thing - she should know her siblings . She may resent you in the future for keeping her from them. Are you worried he can provide her with siblings while you can provide everything but?

Are you worried he can provide her with siblings while you can provide everything but?
Seriously? What a nasty comment when you have no idea if OP has other kids or why she doesn't. Totally out of order

Once he has started paying proper maintenance, he can try a bit of disney-dadding

This ^.

He doesn't get to be the one to give her a 'trip of lifetime' when he hasn't been a proper dad to her all these years. What kind of person fucks off to live on the far side of the world when they have a 2-year-old DC??? Just say no. If he wants to see her he can come over here and see her and he pay proper maintenance for her, like a proper dad.

Plus, I have a 10-year-old too and no way would I send him to the far side of the world to stay with a bunch of strangers.

He is the mutual father, if he wanted the kids to meet they could have ask come to visit here, they could be skyping etc. It isn't OP's responsibility to do it, and it shouldn't be done at everyone else's convenience bar the daughter. Its a huge time and distance away from her primary carer. Daughter struggles even for 2 week holidays in the UK key alone him pulling perfect Dad crap with his new family

I would not be comfortable with this at all. Firstly because of it very likely being an ordeal for dd, going for so long with what sounds like strangers,
Secondly, because I'd have real fears about them not bringing her back,

Thirdly, because of her missing so much school at a critical time. This is your perfect excuse for saying no - she CANNOT miss any school at this time, and that's that, no more discussion.

If he's not bothered with her for so long, I do wonder why he's bothering now. As pps have said, if he's really so keen to see her, he can come to her during her school holidays.

My family live on the other side of the world and my children have spent lots of time with them (they are now 11) but there is no way I would leave them for that long because they don’t know them well enough. She’s too young in my opinion - plus she’ll have her May stats tests her school would be preparing her for. It’s not a trip of a life time - he’s her dad - he can ask her again when she’s old enough.

No way! He is a stranger. He can come and visit her first to build a relationship.

It’s an obvious no.

But, and I’m trying to word this carefully because I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong...

I would be careful about the othering of his children. They’re not to blame, as much as your dd is not to blame.

With social media etc it would be so easy for your dd to have some sort of relationship with them and if she grows up resenting them because of who their father is, then she could miss out on a real sibling relationship which would be a great shame!

Him “playing happy families” is in fact just him raising his kids. Not all of his kids, and he’s treated your dd abominably but they haven’t! So Skyping while he’s with them isn’t necessarily a bad thing, IMO.