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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To STILL not be up for sex 7 months after baby

72 replies

Yawnyprawn · 19/02/2018 17:15

DD was born 7 months ago and I am breastfeeding. I had no desire for sex whilst pregnant as i had antenatal depression and we had a few marital ups amd downs too. I hoped that would improve after the birth. But i still have absolutely no libido whatsoever. Nothing. And the thought of sex just makes me cringe.

DD will only sleep with me (naps and night time) and 9 times out of 10 she wakes up if I leave her, so most nights I only manage to be with DH for about half an hour uninterrupted. He sleeps downstairs and has done since DD and I started co-sleeping 3 months ago.

Did it take anyone else a while to get back on it after baby? Should i be making more effort? Is there any hope for us ever having sex again?

OP posts:
strawberrysparkle · 19/02/2018 17:26

This is going to be hard but do you want your marriage to work?

If you do then you need to sort out a way for you and your partner to spend more time together and be closer. Co sleeping with your child is pulling you are your partner apart and it won't make things better they longer it's left. Men often feel very left out after a baby is born.

Don't leave it too late to fix as then it may not be fixable.

Osirus · 19/02/2018 17:29

I’m in a similar situation and it became much easier to leave my daughter asleep once she turned one (now 20 months). It’s still difficult to find the opportunity though but I’m sure it will change in time. You’ll probably feel differently after a year too, they’re not so little anymore.

MatildaTheCat · 19/02/2018 17:30

A sexless marriage generally only succeeds if both partners agree.

What have you done to improve the situation? Gp would be a good starting point. It’s very tricky if you have no desire at all but the longer you allow this to go on the harder it will become.

What does dh say?

toolonglurking · 19/02/2018 17:31

I totally agree with the PP that if your marriage is important to you then you'll both need to find a way to make it work, have you spoken to him about it?

ClareB83 · 19/02/2018 17:32

You say just the thought of sex makes you cringe, which is odd for an adult whose had sex.

Is this anything to do with having had a baby? Or are you just not that into sex at all/with your DH?

Dieu · 19/02/2018 17:34

Sorry OP, but this has relationship disaster written all over it, particularly as you mention having marital problems before the wee one even came along. You need to carve out some time as a couple. I think the absence of sex is only part of the problem.

Blerg · 19/02/2018 17:38

In contrast to the above I think that is totally normal - for me and lots of friends.

With DH I just kept the channels of communication open so it didn't become a big unspoken issue. Things resumed, though with two small children we are both knackered so not very often. Sex is obviously not the only way to be a couple and be close. Ensure you talk (even if holding a sleeping baby), and other stuff.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 19/02/2018 17:41

I don't think your situation is unusual. A young baby is a lot of work and mentally I didn't shift out of the baby bubble until nearly a year. My shift was triggered by my sudden need to be a functioning adult and not just a mother with no other focus. For us that meant moving DD to her own room (to help my sleep) and us making an effort to connect as a couple in the evenings after bedtime. The connection helped my libido to return. Having a takeaway and a laugh with each other (plus getting some sleep) all played a part for us. It was a shaky time for us but we got through it. You need to have a honest conversation with your husband about your relationship and see how you can make a difference to your relationship and family set up.

caringcarer · 19/02/2018 17:44

If you want to give your marriage a chance of working then you need to stop sleeping with child. The child will cry at first but eventually will get used to it. You are putting your dh in a difficult position. You offer him no sex, no intimacy, and even refuse to sleep in same bed as him. How would you feel if someone else offered him sex.love and he left you and child? If you would be hurt and upset and still love him you need to seek urgent help in order to save your marriage if you would not care too much then maybe you would be better off apart.

MumInBrussels · 19/02/2018 17:46

I remember being told that breastfeeding messes with your hormone levels, which can obviously have an effect on your sex drive. As can being utterly exhausted. And so can post-natal depression - might that be an issue?

We didn't have sex for months, and it was infrequent for probably the first year or 18 months after birth - things improved when I started getting more sleep and breastfeeding less frequently (because I'd gone back to work). It did eventually get better though, so don't worry that it will necessarily be like this for ever! You do need to try to talk to your husband, I think, so he knows it's something you're concerned about, not ignoring - if you're not having sex, not seeing each other much and not talking to each other, that's a difficult place to move back to normal from!

mytittifersungtheirsong · 19/02/2018 17:50

Ummm Caringcarer.....surely OP loves her baby too. Why does DH's need for closeness trump DD's?

I echo above posters about finding time for being close and communicating rather than focus on sex to start with. I'm an avid cosleep supporter because I believe that children have the same needs for closeness as adults.

You know sex doesn't have to happen in the bedroom right? Give it time but make sure you communicate your feelings to your DH.

munqch · 19/02/2018 17:50

I think this is pretty common for breastfeeding mothers, it can really affect your sex drive - I'm in a similar boat myself. Don't feel you have to stop co sleeping or your marriage will fall apart. Just keep the channels of communication open. She isn't going to be a baby all that much longer and you will get back on track eventually, just give it time. That's what I'm telling myself!

CurlyBlueberry · 19/02/2018 17:51

Wow I'm surprised by some of the responses. It was normal for us. We knew it wasn't forever. We did actually try and have sex a couple of times but it was so painful for me. I think partly I couldn't relax wondering when the baby would wake up and also breastfeeding can make you quite dry vaginally (so a good lube can help).

We did manage to resume normal sexual relations around 9 months in and I got pregnant again about 10 months after my first was born Grin although weirdly the pregnancy with no.2 made me super horny despite not really being up for it most of the time in the first pregnancy!!

Oh and I coslept with my first (and breastfed) until he was 15/16 months and then my husband coslept with him. Then my second was born and I coslept with her until she was over 1 (and breastfed until 2.5). Funnily enough my DH hasn't left me.

How is he feeling about it? Mine was very understanding. We both knew it wouldn't be forever. 7 months is still so little. We did still try and kiss, cuddle each other and so on. Do you do that? With no expectation of sex, just intimacy.

SleepingInNewYork · 19/02/2018 17:53

I do think a reduced sex drive is normal after having a baby but if a happy marriage (or a marriage at all) is important to you, then you need to prioritise it along with being parents.

Bringonspring · 19/02/2018 17:55

This is so normal (not sure if some of the other posters did BF) but BF impacts your hormone level-estrogen which this gives you a low sex drive. As you reduce your BF you’ll find your sex drive begins to pick up (though I didn’t regain mine until I fully stopped).

MaverickSnoopy · 19/02/2018 18:03

I really think, to put it bluntly, that if you don't use it you loose it. It's been so long that the idea fills you with dread.

I went off sex after the birth of both of my children, but for about 5 months with my second. In the end my solution was to get a bit tipsy and just do it. After that we just went back to normal and I realised what I'd been missing. I'm not suggesting this at all. I actually think that this could either be 1) about your relationship and possible problems or 2) that it's been so very long this is your new normal and you don't want to see a way out.

A healthy relationship is one where you are sexually compatible. You need to talk to your DH to understand where he is with this and so he knows how you feel. You need to make more time for yourselves or this could be a failing marriage.

AshGirl · 19/02/2018 18:04

If you want to give your marriage a chance of working then you need to stop sleeping with child.

Ouch! Me and DH take turns to co-sleep with DS. One of us in with him and one in the spare room. It is very hard and I miss the physical intimacy of sharing a bed, but we do it to all get more sleep.

Sex is pretty infrequent but still good. I had a very bad tear so took me about 3 months to feel ready.

pastabest · 19/02/2018 18:04

It's really normal to feel like you do, I know I felt exactly the same.

The difference is though that it was really important to me to try and get 'back on the horse' so to speak as I missed the closeness that it gave us.

So to an extent I kind of gritted my teeth and thought of England the first time Grin and you know what it wasn't actually as bad as I had thought it would be. It wasn't hugely comfortable at first but then it was. We never did get back to pre baby frequency at all but certainly managed enough to conceive number 2 when DC1 was only 7 months old.

Cmlcml · 19/02/2018 18:06

Ummm this is completely normal ESPECIALLY for a breastfeeding mother. Your body doesn't feel back to normal yet and your primary focus is feeding and caring for your your baby.
Your baby is the most important thing here and you are doing the best you can which is bloody tiring.
The best thing to do is talk to your oh and explain the situation and reassure him that it will get better. He will not run off and leave you for someone else.
For me I found it got better after a year.

ChasedByBees · 19/02/2018 18:07

Adding to the minority voices of ‘this is normal’. Or at the very least it can be something that happens to some women / couples and it doesn’t have to mean death to a relationship.

HP07 · 19/02/2018 18:09

Wrote a whole big spiel and then internet dropped out and it got lost. Long and short of it is:

Ignore those telling you it’s abnormal. Totally normal. Breastfeeding screws with your hormone levels and lowers libido.

Once baby is reducing milk feeds and eating more solids your progesterone levels will return to normal.

Have your periods returned yet? This was a major factor for me.

Life changes dramatically after having a baby and so your relationship will shift. Just keep communicating with your husband.

Guessing pp aren’t lining up to volunteer their babysitting services! Hmm to people telling you to give up co-sleeping. Are they the ones responsible for getting your baby to sleep? Nope thought not. My baby co-slept for a long time. He is now 16 months old. Sleeps through 12-13 hours per night in his own room and we have the bed back to ourselves. It will improve at some point. You are not making a rod for your own back or what ever other nonsense people want to tell you.

If you feel your marriage is In trouble then look at counselling perhaps but speak to your husband first and find out what his expectations are. Don’t feel forced to have sex though.

NerrSnerr · 19/02/2018 18:09

This is normal for us to. I didn’t get my sex drive back with our first until I had massively reduced BF after he was over 12months.

LemonysSnicket · 19/02/2018 18:12

When I stop having sex for any length of time I stop wanting it alltogether. I have to kind of push myself to make the effort and do it a few times and that brings back all he familiar twinges after a few times.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 19/02/2018 18:12

Just to say that I think this is normal too - ignore the doom-mongers above who think that if you are not having constant sex your relationship is doomed. I think my ds was about 10 months old before we got back to it, it also kind of depends what state your bits are in after the birth, although one of my NCT group said she DTD 4 weeks after her son was born via forceps as she was simply not going to miss out. Fair play to her.

My ds is 15 (years old) by the way. I am still married to his dad!

SunnyCoco · 19/02/2018 18:21

Normal for me too
I think I had sex when the baby was about 6 months. I was scared it would be painful and my sex drive was non existent.
It wasn’t painful and did help us to reconnect. Start with lots of cuddles etc so you are feeling physically connected and just move to sex when you are ready. There’s no rush

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