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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To STILL not be up for sex 7 months after baby

72 replies

Yawnyprawn · 19/02/2018 17:15

DD was born 7 months ago and I am breastfeeding. I had no desire for sex whilst pregnant as i had antenatal depression and we had a few marital ups amd downs too. I hoped that would improve after the birth. But i still have absolutely no libido whatsoever. Nothing. And the thought of sex just makes me cringe.

DD will only sleep with me (naps and night time) and 9 times out of 10 she wakes up if I leave her, so most nights I only manage to be with DH for about half an hour uninterrupted. He sleeps downstairs and has done since DD and I started co-sleeping 3 months ago.

Did it take anyone else a while to get back on it after baby? Should i be making more effort? Is there any hope for us ever having sex again?

OP posts:

ChickenMe · 19/02/2018 18:23

Totally normal! We did it a few times after the 6 month mark but I felt so weird and I just wanted to be left alone. I was BF and felt touched out.
It did improve with the return of my periods
She's nearly 3, still has the odd BF and still co sleeps with one of us. I'd say things are back to normal now sex wise and our relationship is good. We talk about everything
I don't buy all this pandering to men. They are adults - it's also for them to help you feel ready. Some personal space may help you. It's pathetic if six months of no sex is such a deal breaker.

Cambionome · 19/02/2018 18:24

Totally normal, op.

ChickenMe · 19/02/2018 18:25

Also to add-don't stop co sleeping or bf to please the man
For me I think going back to work helped, regaining my identity a bit too, having some time to myself as I was totally touched out

NerrSnerr · 19/02/2018 18:27

I agree with the touched out thing. With my first I thought I'd never get my sexy drive back, but we have a second baby so we did!

NailsNeedDoing · 19/02/2018 18:29

Agree that this is completely normal when you're breastfeeding. Honestly, within days of stopping breastfeeding it was like someone had flicked a switch back on.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/02/2018 18:32

This is going to be hard but do you want your marriage to work?

I can't believe I just read that. Blimey.

OP, I don't know if this is helpful, but my partner had a baby nearly 11 months ago and it's really only in the last couple of months her sex drive has come back. It's fine. It's normal.

eurochick · 19/02/2018 18:36

It's normal. My libido was on the floor while I was lactating. It came back quite soon after I stopped.

MoodyTwo · 19/02/2018 18:48

My LO is a year old and I don't 'fancy' sex ... I think it's to do with BF and lack of sleep to be honest.
We have sex about once a week and I try really hard to make an effor and feel sexy (shave, makeup ect) but I could quite easily do without

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 19/02/2018 18:53

Totally normal, breastfeeding is exhausting. My libido only really came back after I stopped breastfeeding, both times.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/02/2018 18:55

Btw, as the partner of someone who couldn't have sex more or less her whole pregnancy and then beyond ... I can't quite express how creepy and disturbing the idea of some of these posts is.

No normal partner wants a person with no libido to push themselves to have sex.

ForeverBubblegum · 19/02/2018 19:03

I have exactly the same thing, I think I've had sex at most 10 times since conceiving and DS's 15 months. Early on in pregnancy we were advised to abstain after some unexplained bleading, and by the time we could I was to big and tired to want to. After he was born we were tired and didn't want to risk waking him as he was in our room and a tearable light sleeper but if I'm honest a lot of that's just rasonalising and mainly I just didn't seem to get that itch anymore.

However I think things are starting to pick up, my period has only just come back (suppressed by bf) and with it more sexual feelings. I know longer feel repulsed by sex and although we're still not having much we do when we get the chance.

Although our relationship has suffered during the this time, I think most peoples do when they have the stress of a baby regardless of sex. Overall I think we'll recover, and as long a your relationship is otherwise good and stable I'm sure you will too. Just try to spend time together and give it time, a year or so isn't very long really over the course of a long term relationship.

RadioGaGoo · 19/02/2018 19:10

I breastfeed and DH and I have had sex a handful of times over 10 months and we sleep in separate rooms more often than not. DH is totally understanding and does not pressure at all. Our relationship is rock solid.

Macauley · 19/02/2018 19:14

I felt like this too. I had no sex drive and felt touched out from feeding. As I’ve weaned and we have dropped feeds it’s picking back up again. I think it’s important to talk about how you feel with your dh.

mummabubs · 19/02/2018 19:15

Oh my gosh don't listen to some of the extreme reactions here OP. Funnily enough we discussed this very topic at a breastfeeding group I was at recently. It's not uncommon at all- for what it's worth my little one is 16 weeks old and I have no libido whatsoever and also can't stand the thought of sex right now, despite still finding my husband attractive. For me it's partly because my relationship with my body has changed a lot due to pregnancy and breastfeeding, so I'm still learning to love and accept my new body. I also had an assisted delivery and the one time we have tried to have sex it was agonising for me so that's also put me off a bit through fear to be honest.

Not sure if you're aware of this but the hormone responsible for the production of milk (prolactin) can also cause reduced libido- theory is that our body doesn't want us to get pregnant again when we're clearly still looking after a young child, dates back to evolutionary survival. What you're experiencing is definitely not uncommon and totally fine, just be led by you xx

kaytee87 · 19/02/2018 19:16

Totally normal after a baby, especially when breastfeeding.

I think it's mother nature's way of preventing pregnancies when you still have a baby/toddler. We know that breastfeeding (especially at night) can prevent ovulation. We also know that children would self wean between 2-4yo's and that before modern, western life, children would sleep with their mothers, feeding through the night and self weaning. This all points to the fact that we were intended to have gaps of a few years between children and sex drive is purely there to make you procreate. Anyway that's just my take on it.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2018 19:23

It’s not it normal for me and I’ve been breastfeeding solidly now for 7 years and before that had a decade long stint of it.

Yes it’s someones choice if they have sex or not but I wouldn’t stay with someone who left it longer than around 3 months in the absence of a physical issue

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/02/2018 19:24

Do you find it hard balancing your emotional shallowness with your smugness, needs?

kaytee87 · 19/02/2018 19:26

Just to add my stats op.
I had an episiotomy, then exclusively pumped for almost 12 weeks. First had sex when ds was 12wo because I thought I should. Was very painful so waited for another 6 weeks before trying again.
Ds is 18mo now and I think we've had sex maybe 19/20 times. I still actually find it uncomfortable due to scar tissue from the episiotomy. I hope it gets better soon.

mummabubs · 19/02/2018 19:29

Agree that needs comment is rather sad, not all of us define a relationship as being worth having purely based on sex.

Oh gosh @kaytee87 I've not been brave enough to try again since the first time but my episiotomy scar is definitely still tender so I'm hoping it will naturally become better over time 😬 I'm also exclusively pumping (at 16 weeks) and frankly my boobs are no longer a sexual part of my body in my eyes! 🙈

Pooshweens · 19/02/2018 19:29

In my case totally normal, with both kids. You're knackered and sleep becomes the priority over sex

I wouldn't worry about it, it'll come back when it's ready

Having said that tho, I made myself do the deed last night for he first time since we had our second child 4 months ago, as it can become a big deal in your head otherwise which it's not

The main thing is to communicate with our partner and if he's really missing it then just go ahead and do it. It only takes a few minutes after all

DuckAndPancakes · 19/02/2018 19:30

DS was maybe a year old before we DTD.
I was nervous and anxious and didn’t have the same drive as I had had before.

We still rarely do it. DS spends most of the night in bed with me and OH sleeps on the sofa. No resentment. No relationship problems to do with sex or lack there of. OH loves and cares for me and his son and knows that his needs somewhat outweigh our “urges” and that it won’t be forever.

DuckAndPancakes · 19/02/2018 19:32

DO NOT force yourself to have sex with someone if it isn’t what you want to do! Stop perpetuating this kind of fucking thing.
“If you loved him you’d have sex with him”
“What about his needs”

Bullshit. Bollocks. Fuck off with that

AnnaT45 · 19/02/2018 19:35

Totally normal for me. Breastfeeding killed my sex drive and I was exhausted. When we eventually started again as I stopped breastfeeding when Dd as 10 months I feel pregnant straight away. It's taken a good year and a bit after second baby to get our sex life back again and even then it's only a couple of times a month.

Talk to your DH and see how he feels, it just wasn't a priority for us and we knew we'd weather the storm. Sex is really important in a relationship but that first year of baby isn't a normal time.

Blaablaablaa · 19/02/2018 19:44

I don't think lack of sex is the problem here ( although it will inevitably cause issues in the long run if you and your DH have mismatched libidos)
The issue is the lack of quality time as a couple. You will grow apart and lose any emotional intimacy you have left. ....if you don't see and spend time with your partner on a regular basis then you stop sharing the little things cos what was important to you on Monday isn't a big deal once you get to Thursday. Then eventually communication breaks down completely and the closeness, what made you a team is gone.
Having a small child is hard enough but it's so much more bearable and enjoyable when you're in it together.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/02/2018 19:59

I don’t think it’s smug to point out that breastfeeding is not a sex drive killer for everybody I also don’t think it’s smug to say it’s an important part of a relationship for some people because it is.

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