To STILL not be up for sex 7 months after baby

[Yawnyprawn]

DD was born 7 months ago and I am breastfeeding. I had no desire for sex whilst pregnant as i had antenatal depression and we had a few marital ups amd downs too. I hoped that would improve after the birth. But i still have absolutely no libido whatsoever. Nothing. And the thought of sex just makes me cringe.

DD will only sleep with me (naps and night time) and 9 times out of 10 she wakes up if I leave her, so most nights I only manage to be with DH for about half an hour uninterrupted. He sleeps downstairs and has done since DD and I started co-sleeping 3 months ago.

Did it take anyone else a while to get back on it after baby? Should i be making more effort? Is there any hope for us ever having sex again?

Thanks so much to those of you who said you'd felt the same when breastfeeding! It's so reassuring to hear that this is all normal. I do agree that it's important to try and carve out some quality time and give DH some closeness, sexual or not - DD's needs are important and I think happy parents are a big part of that.

Thanks to everyone who replied, even those who said we were heading for disaster! I don't agree but I did ask for opinions, so to you all.

Normal for you will be a totally different someone else’s normal but I’d say don’t put too much pressure on yourself. As long as you are both happy then it's working for you guys right now. We could all do with extra hours in the day with a little one for alone time with partners and also some time for ourselves. I am sure in a few years you’ll look back and it won’t feel like such a big thing (I mean that in the nicest possible way).

I had the opposite issue with our first, I was super keen for it and we were at it at every opportunity. I ended up getting pregnant very soon after which ended in a termination.

Second time around I’m petrified to do it, just because I am scared of another pregnancy.

How your H behaves now will have some effect on how soon your libido returns, as well. If he's doing his share of housework and baby care, and treating you with kindness and consideration, you're more likely to retain your affection for him and keep communicating. If he's lazy about the housework and keeps on moaning about sex, and won't wake up in the night when the baby cries, you'll be less likely to feel any desire for him.

@Yawnyprawn I would do a few simple things everyday to try and get your libido back, kiss and hug goodbye everyday when your DH leaves and comes home from work. Have a little kiss and cuddle on the sofa every night.... and unfortunately even if your not really up for it maybe try and do it next time he suggests.... you might find you enjoy it more than you think! it will come back, do your kegels too that can help boost things

Is sex really the be all & end all of a marriage. My god if grown men can’t make do with their right hand while a poor woman recovers from giving birth & dealing with a new baby I’d just tell them to fuck off.

Good lord, there are some judgy comments here - speaking out in defence of the 'poor men' who aren't getting their end away because their partner is selfish enough to breastfeed and respond to their baby's needs

So me and DH haven't done longer than a few nights in the same bed since DD was born. In 2015. Come at me, haters! A combination of late pregnancy insomnia, breastfeeding and the fact that DD just didn't like to sleep. For two years. She's now in her own room and sleeping through. But we have also have DS (3 months) and once again I'm sleeping separately from DH.

We do it like this because the rule in our house is, sleep is more important than anything else, and we do what we can to get it. Both of us suffer when we are tired, but DH has a physical condition that is aggravated by lack of sleep. Plus a long commute by car for work. I'd far rather he was rested and able to support me with weekend lie ins and doing everything else.

As for intimacy...well, despite the separate beds we still managed to conceive DS! You just have to create time and think outside the bedroom. By the time I'm in bed, I'm way too exhausted to even read, let alone get physical, so bed sharing wouldn't make much difference! And as for the mornings...well, those of you with small children will understand why you never need an alarm clock...

My libido is very low right now, I'm breastfeeding, knackered and feel touched out. It's totally normal to feel this way.

I do sometimes worry about the impact on our marriage, but as PPs have pointed out, it's all about keeping the lines of communication open, and being affectionate with each other where we can. We know this stage won't last forever, and I'm grateful that my DH appreciates what I'm doing for our DC and doesn't pester me.

Another one saying it’s completely normal if you are breastfeeding. It’s natures way of making you focus on your child.
Give it time and focus on communication in your marriage - the sex will come back when you are both ready
I feel a bit sorry actually for the people who feel they have to service their husband or he might look elsewhere!

I have a 5 months old baby and managed to only breast feed for 3 months due to health issues. While I was breastfeeding I was feeling exactly like you and hated even a cuddle. Once I stopped BF, my libido gradually came back but it is still not like before pregnancy.
I do agree with other comments, you do need to see your GP and try your hardest to make more time for your DH even if it's not sex at least a cuddle and a chat. Hopefully all gets back to normal with time. 🤞

need, it's smug to say 'in the absence of a physical issue'. Just because for you it all worked fine, doesn't mean that's the case for everyone. Breastfeeding can be a physical issue. Birth recovery can be a physical issue.

Sorry but I disagree that it is normal. I don’t know anyone who wanted that long to have sex after giving birth

Hi OP this thread has been a reassuring read for me because I'm in the same position. I had terrible sickness in pregnancy and was really ill throughout so we barely had sex when I was pregnant and we haven't since DS was born at the end of October. Like you, I just don't fancy it. with my first child it took me 5 months to feel up for it and to be honest I think at that point I just tried going through the motions and found I enjoyed it. I think sometimes when you go a long while without, it becomes an 'issue' in your head and it's even harder. I think it's important to speak to your DH and explain how you feel. Me and my DH had a conversation about it last week and he was very supportive. He doesn't seem particularly worried at all thankfully. He knows I am knackered from 4 month old and 2 year old (and so is he) and I am breastfeeding round the clock.

With DD I stopped breastfeeding at ,7 months when I went back to work and I remember that was the point at which I started feeling 'normal' again - probably a psychological thing as I was no longer solely responsible for growing a baby!

I'm fairly sure it is normal - there are actual studies on libido and breastfeeding/birth recovery, as well as what people we happen to know say (which might be slightly unreliable?). But ... even if it weren't normal, how would that change anything? Who would want sex with someone who wasn't into it?

I can understand a partner feeling frustrated and wishing the OP wanted sex. I can't understand them wishing she'd have sex with them when she didn't want it.

@greendale17 maybe they just haven't told you

Been 2 years here OP, I get you.

Do you think it's to do with breastfeeding? I did have a libido to an extent whilst feeding but physically hormones definitely affected things - I felt extremely dry and sort of wrinkled up down below. A friend told my her gynaecologist could immediately tell that she was bfing as apparently cervix had the appearance of a post menopausal womans.

Totally normal I would say.

blackberry that's reminded me when I was BF my i was very tender, I remember finding a smear so painful when I hadn't ever before. Nurse told me it's normal.

My friend also told me your sex drive dropping when feeding is nature's way of you not getting pregnant whilst you've got a baby. Who knows if that's actually true!

Greendale this thread is full of people telling you they waited that long. It’s not exactly something people go around talking about in real life much - I agree your friends just haven’t told you.
It’s v v normal when bf and not getting any sleep. The op doesn’t need to visit her gp! What a waste of nhs resources - her body is functioning exactly as it should bf and focusing on her young baby and preventing further pregnancies through low libido.

Have you even bothered to read the full thread @Greendale? Or indeed, any posts o MN?

Yes my doctor told me it was toatally normal and due to low estrogen that you have when BF. It’s similar to the menopause.

Greendale, read the thread

Another one saying this is normal. Just try and make sure you have time together as a couple too- and talk about how you're both feeling.
I'd say try a bedside crib- but it depends on how long till your DC is in their own room- it doesn't last forever (and it seems like such a short time when you look back)

Bit creepy Greendale. Is that a normal conversation opener for you with the people you know? When they first started having sex after pregnancy?