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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that Mother’s Day just rubs your nose in it if you haven’t got one? :(

135 replies

Chattycat78 · 18/02/2018 21:15

Just that really.

Here it is again I see.

My mother died in 2009. It still kicks me in the guts like crazy every time I pass the shops with all the cards and know I can’t buy a card ever again as I have no one to buy for.

There was some radio program last year talking about how “inclusive” Mother’s Day is because “everyone has one”. No they don’t. Sad

The sting isn’t even taken away by the Fact I’m a mother now myself.

I’m not looking to ban it. I realise Mothers should be celebrated. But boy does it remind me of what i no longer have.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 19/02/2018 10:47

No need to buy a card. But lots of people buys flowers and go to their
mum's grave on Mothers Day.
My mum died in 2011, but she was cremated and had her ashes scattered at sea. I don't have a grave to visit, which in a way I'm grateful for as I don't feel an obligation to travel to make a visit.
I just light a candle and look at a picture of her if I want to connect.
In fact, it's a tradition on my side of the family to not have any graves or markers.
My DHs family on the other hand, have great big family plots.

Willow2017 · 19/02/2018 10:59

wake
Get a fucking life. Taking the piss out of someone grieving for thier mum is pathetic. Hope it made you feel good

Lizzie48 · 19/02/2018 11:01

I've reported wakemeup's post, just unkind for the sake of it. Hmm

WitchesHatRim · 19/02/2018 11:04

@wakemeupbefore ODFOD

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 19/02/2018 11:08

I think @wakemeup has just got bored of spouting bollocks on another thread about how having a penis isn’t necessary to commit rape Hmm and that “only in the naive world of MN would that be true”. Um... not according to the law mate! I’m embarrassed for you as you sound so fucking ignorant.

LemonShark · 19/02/2018 11:25

Yeah it can be a tricky day.

Lost mine 2010, it definitely got much easier over time. The first couple were difficult but now it just feels like any other day. I have a mum. She's dead but she's still my mum so no reason not to remember or celebrate her on that day if I want to.

I was only 22 when she died and two of my best friends' mums kinda swooped in over the subsequent years to help me out when I needed a mum, so some years I recognise them for that support with a card thanking them for mothering me when I needed it!

JustCatMumAtTheMo · 19/02/2018 11:25

I know it's not the same.. but my grandad died just over a year ago and he was one of my favourite people, more like a father than a grandfather. My whole family loved him, especially my mum (a total daddy's girl) I know she and my Nan have massively struggled with his passing. We still celebrate occasions as we would have when he was alive. His bday and Father's Day. We go out for a special meal or afternoon tea. He loved going out to eat with his family and we continue this with him in mind. Yes, we are all incredibly sad that's he's not still hear with us but that's doesn't stop us celebrating his life and enjoying the things he did, while raising a glass to him. If I have children myself one day (I'm 30), I will still celebrate his dads with my kids so they know what an important part of my life he's been and continues to be.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 19/02/2018 11:51

@wakemeup
When is St. Patric's Day? Never heard of it!
Think you were in too much of a hurry to put on a nasty, unnecessary, irrelevant & smarta**e post! Biscuit

beepthemeep · 19/02/2018 11:52

I can't believe that post is still there. HQ can't think its ok, surely?!

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 19/02/2018 11:52

It was very raw at first especially as dh dm is so far from the amazing loving parent's dm was.

It doesn't bother me as much now.. As I have a better balance of always talking about grandma etc. And it's much easier to have her integrated into our life. I hope those with recent loss or who still feel the pain be kind to yourselves.. It's wondeful this person means so much and lives in your hearts

Trinity66 · 19/02/2018 11:59

No, If you lost your mother I'm sure lots of things could remind you of your loss, unfortunately that's just life and we have to be strong enough to not let it upset us too much and get on with things. The commercialism of all those things is kind of annoying though

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/02/2018 12:02

My "mother" is a toxic mess. She spent my childhood telling me how worthless and useless and stupid I was, that she wished I was a cot death statistic. Her mothering started and ended by giving birth to me. I have always been the "adult" in the relationship.

I ended up hallucinating through ds's arrival and didn't believe he was my baby and still have some issues relating to that.

Mother's Day is needless to say not my favourite day of the year and Dh and I argue every year as to whether I "deserve" a card/present. I can't say I'd miss it if they decided to get rid of it.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 19/02/2018 12:13

@wakemeup
Seems I was right about you being in a hurry - you've posted more of your "daftness" on a completely different thread!
Keep quiet - perhaps no-one will notice. Oh wait, they have! BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

Original poster
Chattycat78 · 19/02/2018 12:18

Thanks again guys. Shame there’s someone out there who chooses to post something so nasty though on a loosing someone thread.

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/02/2018 12:20

For you OP Thanks

On a different side of the coin, it's a shitty day for those of us with toxic or abusive mothers. My mum won't be getting a card and I'll be telling her why. It will be a huge turning point in our relationship but one I need to take.

Bloody hate these daft days sometimes Sad

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 19/02/2018 12:21

My mother was never a 'mum' to me. She told me from as young as I can remember that she didn't want me or ever want dcs. She was mentally and physically abusive to me from as soon as I came home from being born, she kept me in the shed, as a newborn! I'm nc now. Every Mother's Day reminds me of how unwanted I was . I wish I had a mum.

MsSquiz · 19/02/2018 12:23

I lost my DM last March and Mother's Day last year was the last time I saw her as her (seemingly doing quite well, albeit in a Marie Curie Hospice) she passed away on the Wednesday morning.

As I do t have children, this year I will mostly be avoiding all things Mother's Day related, except for to go the crem to lay some flowers. DH will go to his mum's for lunch with the family.

Hopefully in the years to come I will be able to spend it with my children (should they come along) but who knows how that will feel without my DM

Thinking of all of us who have lost our DMs Thanks

PositivelyPERF · 19/02/2018 12:26

I would also ask why that prat’s post is still standing, with it’s nice little racist undertones.

LinedPaper · 19/02/2018 12:28

Last I heard from the family flying monkey my mother 'hates' me and I'm a 'bastard'. Then there was some more delightful stuff just after my father died (they divorced a long time ago) which was really just trying to find out about money.

So for different reasons, mother's day hurts.

MarieVanGoethem · 19/02/2018 12:28

My mother died - very suddenly - when I was 10; & her mother (with whom I'd a very close relationship) died two years later - on Mother's Day, again very suddenly.

I used to find it all absolutely unbearably painful. I'm a bit hardened to it now, I think, but the absolute battering away at you can be a bit much - every single company with your email address demanding you do something via them for your mother, even when you delete without reading there's a drip-drip-drip at your consciousness; plus the huge displays in daft amounts of shops; plus the tannoy announcements at this point they're so common I find myself pleasantly surprised am not subjected to them at train stations ; plus random people asking you what you're doing/getting... it can break through those carefully-constructed defences. Because it's not a loss you "get over", it's one you learn to live with, and it can be heart-stoppingly fresh-grief painful at times, even when you've reached the point of Mostly Ok.

We don't do anything for Mother's Day or Father's Day at my Brownie Unit because I'm so aware that Families Are Complicated. I've had children that have no - or massively limited - contact with one parent or the other through divorce; children who live with other family members; children who would be anxious not to upset a parent by giving something to the step-parent they'd prefer to be the recipient of what they'd made; & - very sadly - I now have a Brownie whose mother died last year. This will be said Brownie's second Mother's Day without her mother; & last year, before going home at the meeting before it, she came & gave me a hug "because this weekend is a bit sad for us".

Mother's Day can be a serious kick in the teeth for other people too, as PPs have mentioned. Do think - while clearly I don't want it banned - it would be nice if the commercial side of things got toned down a bit. Am almost expecting British Gas to ask me to think of getting my mother a smart meter thingy for Mother's Day, or the medical supplies place my nebuliser was from to chip in with some gift ideas ("let your mother know you care with this commode"?) it's that full-on...

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 19/02/2018 12:30

If your mum has died, is it possible to be comforted by the fact that she loved you, didn't want to leave you and you have good memories of your time together? I hope that's not triggering. I feel like this is a place to ask. I was talking to a lady who was abused as a child, like me and she said how she noticed how others have good memories of their childhood linked to songs they remember from childhood. That made me wonder about parents who died.

LemonShark · 19/02/2018 12:32

Yes mrsBeverleyGoldberg, it is. For me anyway. Songs from childhood do feel bittersweet but there's a lot of comfort to be gained if you were lucky enough to have a great mum while they were alive.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 19/02/2018 12:32

👋Linedpaper, my mum (and dad,) hate me too.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 19/02/2018 12:33

Thank you lemonshark. Thanks

WalnutChiefWhip · 19/02/2018 12:39

I lost my mum a few years ago, and have just come to terms very recently with the fact that I won't have children of my own, so Mother's Day makes me feel rather out in the cold. Actually, no - it's not Mother's Day itself (it's still nice to see happiness, regardless of whether you're part of it or not) it's the mawkish marketing and the implication that it's a completely universal experience. Clearly it's not, for lots of people. But then Sainsburys seem to have a lot of anti-wrinkle cream and mini bottles of prosecco to shift... Gee, thanks

I'm lucky, though, that I did have a wonderful mother who I remember with so much love. I'll be celebrating Mother's Day by buying myself the flowers she liked, phoning my dad and reminiscing with my sister. And probably having the cake I'd have taken her out for, were she still around - I know she'd want me to remember her with cake, not sadness.

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