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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that Mother’s Day just rubs your nose in it if you haven’t got one? :(

135 replies

Chattycat78 · 18/02/2018 21:15

Just that really.

Here it is again I see.

My mother died in 2009. It still kicks me in the guts like crazy every time I pass the shops with all the cards and know I can’t buy a card ever again as I have no one to buy for.

There was some radio program last year talking about how “inclusive” Mother’s Day is because “everyone has one”. No they don’t.

The sting isn’t even taken away by the Fact I’m a mother now myself.

I’m not looking to ban it. I realise Mothers should be celebrated. But boy does it remind me of what i no longer have.

OP posts:

Lucisky · 18/02/2018 21:32

I know how you feel. My mum was dying of cancer and when I bought that years card and gift I knew I would never do it again. It broke my heart at the time. But, a lot of people still have their mums, so, make the most of them, and spoil them a bit, because they won't be there for ever.

Sallystyle · 18/02/2018 21:34

I find Father's Day difficult because my dad doesn't love me and never has.

Three of my children find it hard too because their dad died.

Some dates are lovely for some but are shit for others for sure

VelvetSpoon · 18/02/2018 21:37

I hate Mothers Day. I haven't had a mum to spend Mothers Day with since 1993. It sucks.

It's not only feeling resentful of others who have their mums. It's the whole office minefield...just waiting for people to ask 'all set for mothers day?' And what do I say? No you ignorant fucker my mum died when I was 21 Tempting though that is, I just give a vague murmur. I guarantee this year at least 2 people will say that. Or the ones whose mums died when they were late 30s onwards will tell me they know exactly how I feel. Which not wishing to be cruel they really don't.

grannytomine · 18/02/2018 21:39

PositivelyPERF, so sorry for what you have been through, you sound amazing.

LemonSqueezy0 · 18/02/2018 21:40

My mum abandoned her relationship with me, so I find it hard from that point of view. She isn't dead, she just chooses not to have a relationship with me. I'm an adult orphan, but all my parents (mum, stamp dad and biological father) are alive and well but I see none of them...
I just make a fuss of those In my life who fulfil that role in other ways, I try not to dwell on the sadder aspects of it...

notmyredditusername365 · 18/02/2018 21:42

I don't have a father any more but Father's Day doesn't make me sad or even wistful. Did your Mum die very young op?

Dolphincrossing · 18/02/2018 21:44

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry (said gently.)

The day is for people to celebrate their mothers: if you haven’t got a mother then it isn’t a day for you

PasDevantLesElephants · 18/02/2018 21:45

It must be a horrible feeling, and I'm so sorry about that you lost your mum.

My mum is still alive and well but we've never had the sort of relationship that MD cards seem to imply is normal. I have to send a card out of obligation and to make life simpler, but I do spend a long time wading through cards proclaiming 'you're the worlds best mum' because she, quite frankly, isn't.

I do so love the handmade bits and pieces that come home from nursery and school from the DC though, so I make the day about them.

Original poster

Chattycat78 · 18/02/2018 21:46

Not really young- youngish. She was 66. I was 30, so yes I had her a lot longer than some people get their mothers for, so I’m grateful for that. My father also died within 2 years of her passing so i suspect that contributes to the way I feel.

Yes the questions about “what you’ve bought your mum for Mother’s Day” I always find hard to answer. I had the same when I was pregnant and people asked me “if my mum was excited”. Hard to burst people’s bubble with the truth really.

OP posts:

SleepingInNewYork · 18/02/2018 21:46

I’m sorry for your loss.

My daughter died recently and I am not looking forward to Mother’s Day either as I’m a mother but my child isn’t here.

Babdoc · 18/02/2018 21:49

It might help to realise that it isn't "Mothers Day", it's actually "Mothering Sunday", when people from outlying parishes went back to their main Mother church for a service! It's been hijacked by the greetings card industry for purely financial reasons.
I had an abusive mother, now deceased, and certainly wouldn't want to celebrate the commercial day. But I do enjoy the service at church, where our lovely minister, Marjory, (whose own much nicer mum is also dead), includes everybody, whether or not they are mothers, and whether or not their own mum is still alive. Some years we pray for the people who have been good role models of mothering in our lives, or women in church history, or look at women in the Bible.
If you were lucky enough to have a good mum, and are sad that she's no longer with you, it doesn't matter a tit that you can't send a crappy card. You can still send her your love and prayers. And remember her with gratitude and affection. I envy you that!

Twocatsonebaby · 18/02/2018 21:51

My dp always says the same. My birthday falls around it sometimes so when he's buying a card for me, he's sometimes asked about mothers day. His mom passed away almost 10 years ago and he just tells them truthfully "I haven't got one" shame really :( I dread the day I can't buy my mom one

Skittlesandbeer · 18/02/2018 21:58

We regularly run an event on Father’s Day. I always insist on welcoming everyone with a little aside that says:

‘We know that not everyone can participate in the ‘Kmart version’ of today. We recognise Fathers Day can be a reminder of grief, or what could have been but wasn’t, of past hurts and present pain. We acknowledge all the people who took the place of ‘fathers’ in our lives but who don’t get recognition on this day, and to all the men who would have loved to be fathers but couldn’t. We feel for you if your father never knew you, or if he no longer knows who you are. Whether it’s all you can think about today, or something you’d prefer to ignore, we hope you enjoy the music!’

I would certainly do the same if we had a few seconds on a microphone on Mother’s Day. I may be a mother, but I have many women friends for whom it is a painful day.

I’m growing to hate the consumerist machine which insists on perpetrating this ridiculous, simplistic and cruel version of parenthood. So excluding of many people’s reality.

ButchyRestingFace · 18/02/2018 21:58

It's my first Mother's Day without my mum too. Doubt the day itself will have much impact - every day feels pretty shit right now so it won't affect me much either way (one hopes).

Plan to stay out of the shops and keep the TV turned off.

TartanHare · 18/02/2018 21:58

Still very lucky to have my mum in my life, however my own heartbreak at infertility increases 10 fold

YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/02/2018 22:02

I get it OP. Hate the day too.

Come the actual day they will be floods of posts that spouses haven't made enough effort, dared to go and visit their own mum etc and a host of other spoilt behaviour. For most, the true meaning of Mothering Sunday is lost.

Gannicusthemannicus · 18/02/2018 22:05

My mother died when I was 3, and I find Mother's Day very difficult even though it is 20 years since she died. The fashion for public messages and pictures on social media of the day means I have to cut myself off from facebook and instagram because seeing the mothers and daughters smiling together and the captions saying about that bond you apparently never get between anyone but a daughter and mum kills me. I really want to be happy for them and I think it is great there is a day to remind people of what they have, but I can't help dreading it every single year.

NonnieMouse · 18/02/2018 22:09

My mum died 25 years ago in March. I still have a mum. Mother's days were no harder than any other day in the first few years, because every day was difficult. And as a natural cynic I'm inclined to agree wirh a pp, it's a commercial day for companies to rip off the general public.

Ffswtf · 18/02/2018 22:20

for you Oysterbabe, and for you OP as well as all of us missing loved ones. This will be my first Mother's day without my DM and I am struggling. The only thought that gets me through is that my DC are excited for it. Time does play cruel tricks on us though, I struggle to get a card for my FIL, but my DD died 12 years ago. Thinking of you all going through a tough time xx

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/02/2018 22:23

The day is for people to celebrate their mothers: if you haven’t got a mother then it isn’t a day for you

Wow. How insensitive

endofthelinefinally · 18/02/2018 22:28

I find mothers day very painful. Not just because I dont have my mum, but because I will never get another card from my son. He is dead too.
I just try to avoid it all as best I can, but it is distressing.
OTOH it does bring pleasure to lots of people, so I just have to grit my teeth.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/02/2018 22:28

Why is it insensitive? Like single people don't celebrate valentines day if they are single. I didn't have a dad growing up as he was absent. The day never bothered me.

Dolphincrossing · 18/02/2018 22:32

Piglet you chopped a fair bit off my post, didn’t you?

So I would agree that had that been all I posted, it would be insensitive.

I have not had a mother since I was a teenager. I have missed out on so much. Tbh MD is only the tip of the iceberg, but I have NOT got the right to make it about me, it isn’t, it’s about mothers, I haven’t got a mother, ergo, it’s not a day for me.

Crispbutty · 18/02/2018 22:35

Yanbu. It’s a double kick for me as I have been unable to have children.
My mum died in 2008 and I still miss her terribly. So I can neither buy or receive anything for mother’s Day and it bloody hurts.

My dad died on Fathers Day itself and that is another day of pain for me.

Peoplesuckballs · 18/02/2018 22:36

I would give anything to have had a mum that loved me even for a day, so I could look back at that moment and feel the maternal love I so long for. So please spare a thought for people like me that had to grow up with unloving, abusive cunts of mothers. Mother day sucks.

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