DH and I have been together 18 years, married 11.
Relationship with inlaws has had its ups and downs, we are very, very different people. I think they would much prefer a quiet housewife who had babies and "let" DH live in his hometown so we could rely on PIL's for their sage wisdom and input into every piece of our life (like my SIL, basically)
Instead I'm what my PIL's call a "career woman" I work in senior management and travel quite a bit. We've never discussed it with them, but I earn about 3x what DH does and we live in major city, about three hours away and are not planning on having children. DH is very happy with this arrangement, he moved out of hometown the moment he left high school, but based on many comments and behaviour over the years, its clear that PIL think I'm forcing it all on him and preventing him from being happy.
They're also incredibly disorganized and always late. It's not uncommon for them to turn up more than an hour after the agreed time or to attempt to do all the Christmas dinner shopping at 5pm on Christmas Eve and be incredulous when there are no turkeys or puddings left. I'm very organised, potentially a little too rigid with timing and planning and the disconnect has lead to some frustrations over the years.
When I was younger I used to take it personally, but mostly I just accept that rather than being malicious and cruel they are disorganized and thoughtless.
Mostly I just go with the flow and we see them about 5 times a year, which I use ally nudge DH to organise.
The one thing that stings a little bit is that they never remember my birthday. In the 18 years we have been together, I'd guess that they've acknowledged it maybe 5 times. Once was my 21st and another was because it happened to be three days before we got married. On the other occasions it's only been due to DH orchestrating it, and I told him that although I appreciated it, it was very uncomfortable knowing that they'd been forced to call me.
I don't expect presents or a card or a fuss or even a phone call. A text of FB message would suffice, to show that they acknowledge the existence of the woman who has been with their son for almost half his life and made him (mostly happy)
Anyway, this year they forgot by birthday again. DH called them a week after and told them (again) how disappointed and hurt he is that they don't even make an effort and they murmured some weak apologies, but haven't bothered to get in touch. My birthday is early January (so they've had time since DH spoke to them)
Normally this would just be what it is, but this week DH was talking to his mum to get more info on the plans for his dads 70th early next month. We were told in November to put the date aside but have had no further info since and given their track record and the fact that we'll need to travel, book accommodation and pet sitters, we needed to know what was planned (if anything)
Turns out the party is going ahead for 50 people at the village hall. Caterers have been booked etc
But. MIL asked DH to ask me if I would make the cake.
For 50 people
For a man who hasn't spoken to me since Christmas Eve and ignored my birthday.
MIL didn't ask me, because that might be awkward, given she also hasn't spoken to me since Xmas or acknowledged my birthday and she likes to pretend something hasn't happened if she's in the wrong or might be embarrassed.
Apparently they thought it might be nice for me to do. Because wives make cakes
(Actually I do enjoy baking and have made cakes for friends, but they've asked me directly or I've offered and they treat me like I exist and remember my birthday)
DH pointed out that
A) she should ask me herself
B) while she's at it, she should maybe apologize for forgetting my birthday
C) giving someone who works 50+ hours and has three OS business trips in the next few weeks, three weeks notice to make a cake for 50 people when the party is 3 hours away from that persons kitchen, is.... a bit shit.
At this point MIL had to finish the call as something very incredibly urgent had just come up. We haven't heard back
In the interests of being the bigger person, I will make the cake, as they're my DH's parents and I don't want more awkwardness to limit their already distant relationship, because then DH would feel guilty.
But I'm allowed to think that this is slightly taking the piss, right?