To wonder how I can afford to go back to work?

[LikesMeMore]

DH earns £1600 a month.

Outgoings:

Phone bills: £50 a month

Groceries: £200 a month

Water bill: £250 every 3 months

Train fares: £550 a month (cheapest rate)

Paying back loan: £120 a month

Rent: £925 a month (cheapest in area)

It just all seems impossible and each month we struggle.

I'm on ML, due to go back in 9 weeks time. I don't earn enough to cover my train fare to the job, let alone childcare for our DC.

DH can't change jobs and move to a job closer to us and not London because he kept losing jobs at one point and can't leave this one otherwise it'll be a terrible career move and will look awful on the CV. He has to stick it out for at least a good year.

What do I do?

Go back or stay at home?

Childcare is a fortune here too.

DH refuses to consider moving to a cheaper area of the country. He won't do it, that's that. Although this area is far from 'nice', it's just close(ish) to London so more expensive for what it is.

Yeah well some things are scary. I moved into my own place as a teenager with a 16 week old baby. Couldn’t live with my mum forever though could I? You have to do something OP. Your partner isn’t willing to do anything. You appear unwilling to do anything. So what happens? What exactly do you think is going to happen if niether if you will do anything because you’re just too comfortable? Which is what it boils down to.

Your husband sounds like a bit of an idiot.

But DH won't move Well if he won't do something for his family now, it doesn't bode well for the future, you'll be constantly dancing to his tune.

You mention family in Essex, why not at least look into moving down to them for a while, after you've started divorce proceedings?

Divorce?!

Phelan if I left DH I would be in London/Essex; living with family with virtually no housing of childcare costs.

But I love my DH so don't want to do it, although I understand there needs to be a compromise, although I don't know what that compromise will be

You may well love your husband, but there's a child involved now. so whilst you may be OK with doing whatever he says, maybe that won't be best for your children?

You need to move to your parents and your DH needs to grow the fuck up. Does he even want you around? Or want the relationship to work? Because he's acting like he doesn't.

You're a mum now, you need to be prepared to o put your baby first and do scary things.

Phelan if I left DH I would be in London/Essex; living with family with virtually no housing of childcare costs.

Why would you be living with family? you’re an adult yes? Get your own place! Why are both of you relying on your families to support your unwillingness to support yourself adequately? You both need a kick up the arse and find some gumption. You’re adults and parents now. Act like it. If he won’t then you should without him. Love is not the most important thing. It doesn’t pay the bills.

Should really add these things up before you plan a baby

Likesmemore- so your child is under 12 weeks at the moment; you’re planning to go back to work in 9 weeks time because you need the money; you’ve also had 9 months of pregnancy to think this through but you’ve only just realised that you can’t afford to live where you do and pay childcare?
Oh and your dh won’t consider moving?
I stand by what I said previously. And no need for sarky ‘well done you.’ Yeap, any change is difficult; we’d all love to live life on exactly our terms, living where we want, but the fact is- you want several things which have come into conflict with each other and something has to give.

I’m not sure what you want from us? A magic wand? In your situation I would make moving away from the most expensive part of the UK my priority. If your dh isn’t prepared to do that then it doesn’t say much for his priorities.

I think it's a bit early to be talking about divorce! That said I think you do need to have a serious chat with your DH.

Get all the figures together, sit down one evening and go through it all. You've proposed a variety of solutions. If your DH want to stay where you are then he needs to come up with some proposals as to how that will happen. Does he listen to his parents? Can you get them on side.

Tell him how much this is worrying you, ask him to help you come up with solutions. Tell him that "we'll manage somehow" isn't good enough.

I'd like to live nearer my parents but we can't afford it so we don't. What are his long term proposals for staying in that area? If rent is high I'm assuming property prices are also high? Will staying in that area mean you can never afford to buy?

Ok Op the leave your husband advice is a bit , after all you've both seemingly managed to bury your heads in the sand throughout the pregnancy and since the birth. You've now woken up to the reality of your situation but it seems like you're allowing him to call the shots here and neither of you have any real plan.

You just keep saying "DH won't leave" but have you actually told him firmly that you're not prepared to accept his wishy-washy "it'll all be fine" nonsense? I know no one likes rowing but sometimes you really do need to kick off and refuse to be ignored! You have to force this issue imo. In your shoes I'd actually be looking at cheaper housing now and shoving those under his nose with details of how much more money you'd have each month.

Aside from the obvious fact that you need to move somewhere cheaper, it sounds to me like you haven't really looked into what might be available for your skill set. Yes, I appreciate you're a new mum and that's full on but you really need to start contacting agencies etc to see what kind of work is available, your responses to some of the advice here suggest you've done little to no research on this.

Somethings got to give op. Only you can decide which it is. There's been tons of good suggestions on here. And you definitely need to look at that water bill!

Sorry OP but do you want people to tell you not to got to work?
I know what it’s like to have a newborn baby and feel the end of maternity getting closer.

There are a lot of happy SAHM, so if you want to stay at home, just be open with your husband and tell him that’s what you want to do, you don’t have to justify it here.

I definitely think that’s what you want to be told! and i don’t mean that in rude way.

Anyone know how you go to interviews miles away from your current employer and hometown?

For example, if we upped sticks completely, how do you go to interviews for jobs that are miles away?

Yes you can book a day off of work but what happens once you've used all your annual leave on interviews and have nothing left?

OP are you willing to take ANY of the good advice being offered ? If not what do you plan to do ?

Old Yes, will look into that water bill.

I also want to persuade DH to up sticks but that's a working progress.

It's not as simple as just leaving him and if he comes he comes. If I don't go where my family is, I would need him because I would need his support. I shan't go into too much detail about why that is but I couldn't go somewhere completely unknown to me without family or DH

But presumably you haven’t used any annual leave on interviews yet if you’re not looking at jobs miles away? So no point worrying about what you’ll do in that situation. And if you can’t afford to return to your current job anyway, annual leave Becomes a non issue.

My suggestion would be this:

You move before the end of your mat leave and thus technically remain employed in your current role for now. Your DH continues to commute into his current job from the new location in the short term.

Once you've moved you both start looking for roles nearer to your new home. You will still need to take time off but that's a given when looking for a job, regardless of location.

Hopefully you will find something nearby before the end of your mat leave, with free childcare that would result in you being much better off even if all the other variables remain the same.

Re interviews for jobs that are miles away

Employers are very flexible and accommodating if you're a strong candidate and will quite often interview outside of normal business hours, over the phone, on Skype etc. Both myself and DH have had to do this many times.

If I don't go where my family is, I would need him because I would need his support

You can go to where you’re family are. You just don’t have to live with them rent free!! Move near them, get their support, but don’t be a freeloader!

Your dh is holding you to ransom. Selfish

Are you getting maternity pay currently? Why are you looking at going back so soon if you won't be better off. Give yourself some more time to come up with a plan?
My DH earns £25000 and we get £350 tax credits a month (although we have two children) I can't see that you would be entitled to nothing on his wage alone?

I'm not sure what you actually want OP. The fact you've not organised any child care suggests you never really had any intention of returning to work, and I think you've posted this hoping that people will just agree with you that the sums don't add up and you should be a SAHM.

The problem is that the sums don't add up either way, whether you return to work or not. You're both choosing to live beyond your means. On your joint salaries you'd be quite comfortable in many areas of the country, even taking child care costs into account. You can't afford to live where you currently live, whether you work or not.

We moved away from London, closer to inlaws because of this very issue. We lived in London so commuted by tube rather than train, which was cheaper, but childcare would have been a killer. Even away from London I had to take on a more senior role (I hated) in order to cover childcare and the bills. However, DH now earns more and I'm at home with the children for the time being. It has taken a few years to get this far and we now live in an even cheaper part of the UK.

You do have to have a very serious chat with DH about how he thinks you both can make up the shortfall in your income or how the childcare pickups/drop offs will work. He needs to know the plain facts and then you work together to adjust hours etc to make it work, or look to live in a different place.

Thinking about working from home, there's an online company called Take Note who farm out typing work to be done at home. You need to pass a test but a medical secretary would be in demand I would have thought. However, you would need childcare unless you did it in the evenings or weekends. But, there's no commute, no work clothes etc. Might be worth looking into to bring some money in if you do SAH.

Not RTFT so have maybe missed the answer, but why does ur OH not want to move?

Are they reasonable arguments or is he only thinking of himself?

How would living in Essex actually impact on his life?

I hope you can come to some conclusion, but atm it certainly looks like the problem is ur OH

Xx