To be disappointed in engagement ring

[noseynumpty]

Me and DP have talked about marriage lately, it's definitely our next step as we live together, have DC etc.

I was expecting a proposal at Christmas then valentines then my birthday but nothing.

But yesterday in the post he got a package from China that said the contents were a ring. I'm assuming it's an engagement ring as I buy all the presents for both our families (he's really bad with money so I manage finances), DC and he doesn't wear jewellery.

AIBU to feel disappointed? I've dreamt of this proposal and ring for the last few months and I am now worried he's just ordered the cheapest ring possible that will turn my finger green.

I know I should be grateful but we already discussed we would have a small family only wedding to cut costs because the marriage is what we want at the end of the day.

I just thought he would put a bit of effort into picking out a ring at a jewellers and saving up a bit of money to buy it as I don't have anything of value in the way of material possessions. I'm trying to pay off both our debts.

Just need someone to talk me down and tell me to stop being a selfish cow, I want a proposal (I'm old fashioned) and a marriage. But I also wanted a nice shiny ring and he should be able to afford something half decent.

Now you've got dc's together you probably have a lot of expenses so the time isn't right for an expensive ring if money is tight. If you wanted the works you should have done it the old fashioned way. Lived with parents. Saved up bought a ring. Saved more bought a house. Lived frugally for a while and then had DC's. And even then a cheap ring is what many people could afford. Your living in cloud cuckoo land OP.

Well - it used to be the case that a mortgage actually transferred the legal title in the property to the lender.

These days modern mortgage deeds tend to be a charge, but a charge expressed as a mortgage, and there are many more hurdles for the lender to take it from you.

Still happens though, if you don't pay on time!

TBH I'd wait & see what the package was before I started jumping to conclusions & feeling disappointed-might be a complete waste of energy

Imagine if it turns out to be curtain rings. 10 for the price of 2, all the way from China.

I liked the cock ring suggestion

He knows that's I'm old fashioned and would want the whole asking my dads permission, buying a ring himself and a romantic proposal.

You want your DP to ask your Dad if he can carry on having sex with the mother of his 3 children in their own home?

OP, you can't cherry-pick which traditional aspects of marriage you are old fashioned about, and overlook the fundamental ones like not living together and having children because it works best at the time!

If time wasn't on your side re: having children, then marriage would have been as easy as a small service at the town hall before you TTC. You don't even need to exchange rings to marry. You'd have been just as married as the next couple.
All marriages are equal, all weddings are not.

It sounds less a case of wanting marriage tbh, and more you've been taken in by the "having a wedding" aspect. Because if marriage was really something you were old fashioned about, you'd be married.

If it were me, I'd have carefully opened the package, looked inside and then re-sealed again without DH knowing.

Lets wait and see shall we, before jumping to conclusions? It may be lovely quality. His only mistake so far is having it delivered to your address !

Don't understand you saying you are traditional and need a ring and proposal?!?
You live together and have children. You are hardly a blushing virgin. if it's so important maybe you should have held out lol. As my grandmother used to say "you don't have to run after the tram once you've caught it!"

I know i am derailing the thread but i hate hate hate this business of asking the father's permission. It's the 21st century ffs and you are an adult, not a chattel. Did he ask your father's permission to "live in sin" with you or get you in the family way?

Maybe it's a promise ring? Like a placeholder till he can afford the ring of your dreams?

I agree OP, if he spent £10 on a birthday present and made you pay fir your birthday dinner I don't think it's a dummy ring, it is probably the ring.

Yes I'd be disappointed, but it doesn't sound like you should be that surprised if you say he has form for cheap gifts.

I think it is poor though, a ring that cost the same but was an antique or from a craft would be much more thoughtful than a mail order ring.

Plus it's not exactly subtle sending it to your home when he must have known you'd take the delivery, surely he could have sent it to work or a friend's house to make it a surprise.

Just because you've already got kids etc I think he could make a bit more effort than he has, I think asking your dad's permission is a bit ott but he can still find you a special ring and make it a nice surprise for you, romance doesn't have to be dead just because you've got kids.

I think you have to accept really that he's not going to be great at this sort of thing and decide whether you're happy marrying someone like that, and whether other characteristics make up for it.

Hope it works out ok. For what it's worth, my DSis got a cheap ring for her engagement as BIL didn't earn much money back then, and what he did have went to supporting his impoverished parents. He promised her she'd get her diamond one day but my helpful DM made a snotty comment about the ring and she was very upset. She had the last laugh tho, BIL went onto earn megabucks and she's now got all the jewellery you could want.

You sound very hung up on the form of things with this proposal, and that seems at odds with some of the other things you’ve said about your life - which seems much more focused on how practical and sensible things are. You keep talking about the financial side of your relationship in a way that doesn’t make him sound thoughtful and on track for what you’re after (you paying off his debts, you managing the money, him buying you cheap tat, him having twice the spending money you do). But you are expecting him to be different this one time. It almost seems like you are setting yourself up for failure.

Do you think perhaps you have been settling too much in other areas of your relationship and have subconsciously pushed all your expectation into this one thing?

Don't make this ring thing a big deal. Enjoy your proposal and treat it as a placeholder ring. Mine was way too big and not my style so we sent it back and got another which is perfect. No problem.

I just looked at a website and searched for rings. How on earth can they make them for that price? Some are lovely though OP.

he loves and respects me for who I am

Time to do the same for him, he’s a tightwad, that’s just who he is.

frank what about what people can afford? I'm not a great one for rings and the whole palaver which is largely done through marketing (google the De Beers engagement ring story). I'd go to auction rooms online if I were the OPs fiance. As for the nonsense it has to be half a year's salary - bleeurgf.

I'd be more concerned about OP marrying a man who was bad with money and her paying off both their debts. So she pays off both their debts - so why isn't she buying her own ring? What's he contributing to the whole shebang apart from helping her produce children?

My husband bought me the most incredible ring... bespoke design, exactly what I wanted. Absolutely gorgeous!!

We were divorced three years later.

The ring means crap, it’s the man you’re marrying who’s important. Xxx

Exactly, I never even got a ring. Married 31 years. Don't think I have suffered for not having a ring

I think there is something fundamentally wrong with a grown woman who expects her partner to get her dad's permission before proposing! You are not property and it is a completely meaningless gesture. Particularly when you live together and have children because by this point it's a done deal!
You are not wrong to want a nice ring. I'm not sure why he has twice as much spending money as you, but that is something you ought to address. Perhaps you should have equal spending money and create a savings pot for the wedding, inc rings.
Not all jewellery from China is tat. Buying somethibg from the high st here, doesn't make it intrinsically better, so I'd look at it before ruling it out. If it is horrible, then there is nothing wrong in saying so and saving for something better - for less than a tenner he'd have no right no get offended!

I'm with Sadie--open the bloody package!!

I’m struggling with the idea that someone who has spare money of £50 per week would choose that week to spend £40 on beer etc for himself and £10 on a ring. It doesn’t exactly suggest that the OP’s happiness is a priority to him. I would be pointing that out fairly forcefully.

I recently got a package to work from China labelled “feather breast costume” I was mortified, thought DP had done it as a joke to embarrass me at work. Inside the package was a whiteboard rubber...

Yes, YABU. You need to wait and see what it is first. The ring is symbolic and that is not reflective on a price

I bought something online recently that I was sure was coming from within the UK - the website clearly gives that impression. It was only when it arrived that it was clear that it was shipped from India. Don't jump to conclusions about your DP just yet. He may have been misled and not everything from foreign countries is rubbish.

My proper engagement ring and bespoke wedding and eternity rings cost a stupid amount. I have a cheap wedding ring set that cost less than £50 that I wear for work. It tends to be the cheaper set that I get most compliments on.