To be disappointed in engagement ring

[noseynumpty]

Me and DP have talked about marriage lately, it's definitely our next step as we live together, have DC etc.

I was expecting a proposal at Christmas then valentines then my birthday but nothing.

But yesterday in the post he got a package from China that said the contents were a ring. I'm assuming it's an engagement ring as I buy all the presents for both our families (he's really bad with money so I manage finances), DC and he doesn't wear jewellery.

AIBU to feel disappointed? I've dreamt of this proposal and ring for the last few months and I am now worried he's just ordered the cheapest ring possible that will turn my finger green.

I know I should be grateful but we already discussed we would have a small family only wedding to cut costs because the marriage is what we want at the end of the day.

I just thought he would put a bit of effort into picking out a ring at a jewellers and saving up a bit of money to buy it as I don't have anything of value in the way of material possessions. I'm trying to pay off both our debts.

Just need someone to talk me down and tell me to stop being a selfish cow, I want a proposal (I'm old fashioned) and a marriage. But I also wanted a nice shiny ring and he should be able to afford something half decent.

For medical reasons I needed to have my children young as was less likely to conceive the older I got so that was the priority at the time.

Was there a reason you couldn’t get married first? That would have been the traditional route.

Anyways, I think he sounds like he’s being relatively sensible.

£50? I had initially though you were perhaps being unfair, but no, I don't think expecting a £50 engagement ring is grasping. He'd be better off spending £50 on Argos tat as at least you could take it back when the stones fall out.

I would be pissed off as well . It might surprise you and be a lovely ring though.

Seriously, it's maybe just a 'holding' ring until you can afford something better.

FWIW I got the big hearts and flowers, Tiffany ring, ask your dad proposal I thought I wanted from my exF. He wasn't the guy.

DH rolled over in bed, naked, 10y ago (before his divorce was finalised!) and simply said 'I want to marry you'. No ring, no fanfare. He's the guy. Although in the interests of full disclosure he did take me to Hatton Garden then and there and let me choose a very unusual ring I still adore.

Nothing wrong with wanting a proper ring and wedding if you already have kids! Everyone deserves that, as long as you can afford it.

Wait and see what he got you OP

Was there a reason you couldn’t get married first? That would have been the traditional route wtf. Have I logged onto Gransnet by mistake? (no offence any Grandmothers out there).

How is he meant to save if you’re controlling with the finances?

He has form for buying cheap tatt. He spent about £10 on my birthday and I had to buy us dinner

OK, so he has form for buying cheap tat...and you've been disappointed with the amount of effort he's put in in the past...honestly, OP, I would brace yourself for this to be more of the same.

I'm old fashioned and would want the whole asking my dads permission, buying a ring himself and a romantic proposal. I don't care if that makes me a sap but that's who I am and he respects that and loves me for it

It's not so much that it makes you a sap, it just makes you vulnerable to these sorts of disappointments. You're expecting a lot of by-the-numbers romance from a guy with a proven track record of being mostly bad at that sort of thing.

In a "traditional" proposal setup, the man does all the decision-making, and woman sits and waits. You have chosen this as your preferred romantic model - I'm afraid in that case, you have to take what you're given. This is problem with conflating "passivity" with "romance" (don't feel bad about it, our society has spent a lot of time and effort reinforcing that message) - you can either take an active part and make sure you get the ring you want, have a say in the timescale, etc or you can have it be all "traditional". But it's hard to have both.

I manage the finances in that I pay our bills, debts etc. He still has money left over each month for himself, twice as much as I do in fact

How does that work then? Isnt money joint?

I understand you wanting a good ring- you will wear it a long t8me after all.

If he does propose with an unsuitable ring, say something like 'how lovely, are we going to shop for a proper engagement ring together? It will have to last a long time, after all.'

May as well be kind, but up front.

but that's who I am and he respects that and loves me for it.

The issue appears to be a disconnect between who you want him to be and who he really is. An engagement ring and or marriage isn’t going to change that.

Has it ever occurred to you that taking on his responsibilities isn’t supportive but enabling, all that disposable cash he has because of your sacrifices, isn’t an opportunity for him to save for a ring but more an opportunity to do what he usually does with cash that’s burning a hole in his pocket, frittering it away on tat.

It’s time to take the rose tinted glasses off, let your disappointment be a catalyst for you to get real about your partner.

I think you're being daft. He is being sensible seeing as though you're in debt. If/when he proposes, maybe look at it as a temporary ring and get something better when you're more comfortable financially? But that's me, can't be doing with all this setting expectations on men who are doomed to fail as they are not mind readers.

My engagement and wedding ring were really important to me. I didn't want expensive ones and they aren't ridiculously expensive, but I was picky about what I wore because I had certain details in mind (I wanted something very classic, but specifically did not want a diamind) and I wanted to actually wear it for life. Lots of my friends don't wear their engagement rings and I think that's sad. My mum has only been married to my stepdad for 5 years (less than my dh and I have been married!) and she's already gotten a new wedding ring because she decided she didn't like the old one as much. My dh and I are both sentimental and we wanted rings that we both loved and would wear for life. Because of that, I was pretty upfront from the start that I wanted a hang in picking a ring. I didn't want a completely surprise proposal and I wanted us to choose something together.

I don't think it's shallow to say you want a nice engagement ring (or wedding ring) that you'll love because it's part of your history as a couple and you should want to wear it every day. But I think it was maybe unrealistic to expect him to pick something on his own with no input. I would have been pushing to decide on something together and then leave the rest of the details up to him. My dh and I bought a stone together (it has sentimental value for us, like I said, not a diamond and actually not an expensive stone at all) and we found a jewellery designer who would make a ring with my designs in mind using the stone. It was WAY cheaper than buying a diamond ring at a high street shop and it's bespoke. I chose the stone and the designs but I never saw the finished ring until my dh proposed.

I think it's okay to raise the issue that you want to be involved in choosing a ring. I think most guys want help. I know mine, though he's really thoughtful and good at buying presents (way better than I am!), found it to be a minefield. So I would talk with him. It's entirely possible that you may love the ring, but I'd still want to be upfront that you want some hand in deciding what you buy and how much he spends as you have other priorities as well. You can still have a traditional proposal that way if that's what you want.

It would make me feel really bad too.

Especially with the other issues in your Op.

He could have saved but as you are paying off both of your debts, organising family presents ere he does not sound very responsible.

I am sorry you are disappointed.

I'd seriously consider dumping him for lack of effort he has shown altogether.

He is a man child.

I know it's silly to ask my dads permission but I just like the idea of it and I am really close to my dad

Legend has it that the Scots bard, Robert Burns, was equally traditional when he sought permission from Jean Armour’s father for her hand. Of course, by this point, they’d had about five kids together.

Her father said no so there was no marriage (for the time being).

What will you do if your dad says no, OP?

You have kids and live together , I think a proposal should come before both those things but I’m old fashioned . What exactly can he propose that you don’t already have ?

I initially was a bit sympathetic. It wouldn’t just be the cost (if it is very cheap) it’d be that it was ordered online and maybe less thought etc.

However, it could be a dummy ring, you could have said you’d like to choose it together, you are worried about tradition but it doesn’t all really make sense in your situation (how can he ask your Dad’s permission if you already live together-permission to do what?) and you need to sort finances out first before worrying too much about the ring value.

Have I logged onto Gransnet by mistake? (no offence any Grandmothers out there).

That was me. And I couldn’t give a rat’s arse if she fornicates with a Greek army garrison. NanaButchy has a certain ring to it though, I’ll admit. 👵

But the OP keeps referring to being a tradition lover, so obv ppl are going to point out that living with someone and having kids with them w/o a ring on it isn’t really the mark of a tradionalist.

I really don't understand proposals after a couple has had children. You have already made a lifelong, unbreakable to each other by making a human being. Clearly someone doesn't need to ask the other party to be in their life forever, because by the very nature of having children you have to.

but that's who I am and he respects that and loves me for it

I also think there is a disconnect here, if the above were true, why were you Expecting a proposal Christmas valentines and birthday and were disappointed and now think he has bought you a cheap crap ring? Your words and his actions seem to be misaligned.

Did he ask your dad's permission before you had children, which is a much, much bigger commitment than a ring.

Oh op this sounds all kinds of wrong. Not just the ring, but just your vision for your romantic, traditional proposal which I completely understand you wanting. But, from someone you already have children with, live with and have to manage the finances for, because you’re busy paying off debts? I could be wrong, (obviously), but, on the face of it, it doesn’t sound as if the ‘Prince Charming swooping in to sweep you off your feet’ thing, is likely to happen here and I would say the ring sounds like the least of it. Though, I understand, the ring represents something more important to you than just the look / value of the ring.

But re your op. If he has £50 spare each week then no, YA definitely not BU. One week’s pocket money for him could have bought you a cheaper, but non-green-finger-inducing ring from Argos. It is really shit of him IF he has bought you something worth pennies from a dodgy online shop. As I say above, it’s not the ring, but what it represents and I think it’s not a nice message for him to send you at all.

You never know though. Maybe it is something completely different to what you’re expecting and he will do a really lovely, OTT proposal, (on a sensible budget of course).

The OP has every right to want romantic traditions, it's a free country.

It's all about what you want IMO; you can't fault the Tiffany or equivalent brand or experience, but you get more bang for your blow elsewhere

You'll never beat a Tiffany soleste in my opinion - obviously with the right stones, not off the shelf. Sure you'll pay more, but you know you have the ultimate ring and that's part of the whole fairytale. Everything has to be perfect.