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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/02/2018 09:14

She was a very nasty lady, yes your language in front of your kids and everybody else was not good. I would have just told her to take a good look at herself and her attitude and walk off.

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 09:15

i would sit the kids down and explain that is not the best way to deal with it

That was done almost immediately after we got off the bus. I had a sit down in the shelter while I calmed myself and explained that mummy should not have acted like that and it's not nice to shout or swear even though the lady was very rude. Luckily the DC have managed not to turn into delinquents overnight from hearing it.

It wasn't at all my finest moment.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 16/02/2018 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scabetty · 16/02/2018 09:17

Firstly, she was a woman, not a lady judging by her own behaviour. You lost it but you know that. She sounds a bully and had probably been eye rolling to all the passengers to drum up support for her finale. I hate people who gang up on one person so would love a picture of her face after your attack.

longestlurkerever · 16/02/2018 09:17

People do get incredibly pearl clutchy about swearing. I don't really get it - it's slightly irrelevant really whether children hear a particular word or not. But it does mean that if you swear people are unlikely to think "well, they've got a point, I'll mind my business next time" and more likely to think "there - she was a disgrace, I called it right".

ilovesooty · 16/02/2018 09:19

I agree with a previous poster in wondering how you'll react if your child thinks it's ok to use obscene language at school if he's provoked or upset.

Branleuse · 16/02/2018 09:19

This reply has been deleted

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TheNewMrsTomHardy · 16/02/2018 09:19

Bluntness I didn’t give that as a definition either. However I find it amazing how there are people on here who are very sure that they would never over-react in a given situation.

The Op has stated she’s been having a hard time lately and so, that and the rudeness of the woman on the bus contributed to the out burst. She has acknowledged it was not okay.

My standards are very high, thank you, BUT in the Ops position, I can’t say I would have done any better.

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 09:19

Her age is completely irrelevant. She was rude- and would have been rude whether she was 18 or 80. The OP over reacted. And the OP was unreasonable for mentioning her age 3 times in her first post.

KnitFastDieWarm · 16/02/2018 09:20

Ok maybe I’m odd here but if I’d been in the bus with the OP I’d have been cheering her on and possibly coming to her defence. She didn’t start it, can’t blsme her for finishing it though. Nothing wrong with standing up to bullies. Yeah maybe you shouldn’t have sworn - so what? She had it coming.
OP your kids will cope with hearing their mum swear in the context of defending them, despite what some people seem to think Hmm

user1499722317 · 16/02/2018 09:21

I think the old dear got what she deserved. I am also old but am nice! I would never pass comment on other people's children.

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 09:22

“Ok maybe I’m odd here but if I’d been in the bus with the OP I’d have been cheering her on and possibly coming to her defence”

Not in the least odd, to go by this thread.h

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 09:22

I agree with a previous poster in wondering how you'll react if your child thinks it's ok to use obscene language at school if he's provoked or upset.

I can probably count on one hand the number of occasions my DC have heard me swear. If my child was to use foul language at school then I'd handle it like I would any use of foul language by my children - those are grown up words and they're not pleasant, we all lose our temper now and again but try to remember that it's better to walk away, then we'd talk about what they could have done differently/next time.

Essentially the same advice I should have followed myself yesterday.

OP posts:
TheNewMrsTomHardy · 16/02/2018 09:23

Oh lord! Someone call SS - parent swears in front of child in isolated incident on bus.

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 09:23

I should have ignored her or left it at a simple "you're very rude".

OP posts:
CastielIsMyAngel · 16/02/2018 09:25

I'm am older lady - nearly 50

This is the most depressing thing I’ve read for a while. I’m 48... I would never refer to myself as an “older lady” Is nearly 50 honestly old?

hungryhass · 16/02/2018 09:25

don't apologies to her. She will think she is in the right and do the same thing to someone else. she derived it. Grumpy old cow! Doesn't she realize she was a baby once?

Laiste · 16/02/2018 09:27

If you're going to open your mouth and challenge a stranger then you take the risk of what you're going to get back. This woman got a mouthful of abuse. She'll live.

Sticking up for your kids teaches them to stick up for themselves.

I'm a mild mannered smiley polite please and thank you person 99.9% of the time but push the right buttons and i will go off like a rocket.

My older daughters (early 20s now) will stick up for themselves when needs must and i'm proud of them for it. One example: DD1 stuck up for her sister on the school bus to the school bully and went bonkers at her. (Normally a very mild mannered quiet kid.) It worked. Neither got bullied any more. They've not been damaged from seeing mummy loose the plot a couple of times in their lives.

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 09:27

There is a significant difference between “parent drops shopping bag in bus and says fuck” and “parent shouts You fucking witch go fuck yourself at another person on bus”

Anyone could have done the first. I suspect very few of us would have done the second.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 16/02/2018 09:27

Referring to your children as "that and that" was quite unnecessarily nasty, particularly as they weren't doing anything to warrant the criticism. Yeah you did lose it a bit OP, I feel for you, however, perhaps the old cow will rein in her meaness next time, she should also be ashamed of herself.

Drainedandconfused · 16/02/2018 09:28

I can’t believe that there are posters on here who have never sworn or got angry in front of their DC. I simply don’t believe it.
For what it’s worth op I lost my shit with an elderly lady a couple of years ago in Marks and Spencer’s, I was struggling with a full basket and DS in his SEN McLaren major buggy, he was jabbering away at a reasonably loud volume, no problem, the store was heaving as it was December, we were getting glances as we do, some people smiling and some doing the ‘oh god it’s a disabled kid, quick look away incase it’s catching look’ one lady stopped to stare, a real full on glare, I was hot and stressed and as I passed her I hissed in her face ‘what the fuck are you looking at’ I immediately got even hotter with shame.
I have never done anything like that since as I cringe when I think about it. When DS gets looks now I give them a big smile, they can take it however they like.
If you are feeling bad then you are unlikely to ever do it again, I’d put it behind you and I certainly wouldn’t apologise if I saw her again.
If this lady is as rude to others as she was to you she might be used to a bit of verbal.

MiddleAgedMe · 16/02/2018 09:28

I wouldn't bloody apologise to her! Why do people think it's ok to be so revolting about our children? Sorry you're having a hard time, hold your head up and be proud of your children :) xx

alpineibex · 16/02/2018 09:28

YANBU. Witch.

Birdsgottafly · 16/02/2018 09:30

Tbh, I wouldn't have got into it with her. I would have ignored her first statement. It isn't worth the anger. People come out with shit, its much more healthy to let it wash over you.

Admittedly its easier to do that, now at 50, than at 30.

What I will say about ageing, is that illnesses, medication can change your whole personality. Its often how we know that something is wrong when working in elderly care. Also people with MI, PDs etc exist at all ages. My Mum, in the last three months of her life got really nasty, it was completely out of character, likewise she wasn't eating etc. The cancer was through her body and she was still getting about on her own.

The only person you upset when up against these people is yourself and your children.

Funnyblastard · 16/02/2018 09:31

Op I would stop explaining your actions to pps, you were totally justified in how you handled it in my opinion. Why should she get away with being rude to you but you can't be rude back? Why, just because she's old? I don't think so, the old saying treat people how you would like to be treated springs to mind. Don't worry about it and move on, you done nothing wrong