To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

[TheCrossKeys]

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

“can’t believe that there are posters on here who have never sworn or got angry in front of their DC. I simply don’t believe it“

I don’t believe that either. I have done both more than once.gI have never shouted “Go fuck yourself” at a stranger on a bus, though.

I swear, always have done. I teach primary but obviously don’t swear in class. My dd doesn’t ever use bad language but my ds does niw and then when an angry teen mood descends. He never swears in class but guess swears with friends. I can’t get upset over swearing but racism, sexism ... makes me swear

• I guess he swears

She was unreasonable. But so were you. Your kids are learning from you how to deal with conflict and you told this woman to 'go fuck herself' in front of them. Not on.

Ilovesooty Children need to be taught to convey their emotions in a way that's appropriate for the context. This is a lifelong learning process as no one is perfect at this. It doesn't mean that if a child hears someone swearing they will be hugely set back in this process. If anything it's a lesson - the OP lost control and regrets it, she has explained to her children that she now feels worse than if she'd stayed calm. If her children did the same thing she'd talk to them about that again and explain the consequences of being rude to people, especially at school.

There have been very few psychological studies on swearing but they tend to suggest that whether children hear swearing has no bearing on their development - but children (and people in general) do react to tension, violence and insulting language. Which swearing can be - but it equally can be something totally different - swearing conveys all sorts of emotions from surprise to pleasure to pain - and language can be violent, even criminal, without any swearing at all. People just use "swearing in front of a child" as lazy shorthand for exposing children to adult themes but that's total projection.

I suppose a retort of "your very rude and nasty" would have sufficed, but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm sure many of us would grab at the chance to relive a situation such as yours with dignity. Nevertheless OP I sympathise with your knee jerk reaction, she sounded really vile don't beat yourself up too much we are all human.

“I agree with a previous poster in wondering how you'll react if your child thinks it's ok to use obscene language at school if he's provoked or upset.”

God almighty, way to pompously over-egg the pudding. There’s no need to twist the knife. Kids don’t become verbally abusive at school because their mum told a rude woman on the bus to fuck off once. Why make her feel worse?

Personally I would like to thank you, on behalf of every parent who has wished they'd said something when faced with a similar scenario.

So today when you see her on the bus, you say 'look kids, its the grumpy lady! you apologise sweetly for swearing at her then line the kids up in a row and sing the wheels on the bus very loudly for the entire journey.

YABU. You should apologise for your behaviour. The other lady was unreasonable but you behaviour was completely out of order. Hate crime is hate crime, you acted disgracefully.

Hate crime?

Another here who thinks she got everything she deserved. If everything written was said verbatim.

The only wrong thing is that your D.C. had to witness you telling the woman to go fuck herself.

But for clarity, you weren’t wrong for telling her to go fuck herself.

Evil woman.

I actually don't think you were unreasonable. Maybe she'll mind her own business now.

Hate crimes are any crimes that are targeted at a person because of hostility or prejudice towards that person’s:

disability
race or ethnicity
religion or belief
sexual orientation
transgender identity
This can be committed against a person or property.

Calling someone a bitter witch is neither a crime, nor obviously based on prejudice against a protected characteristic. What a ridiculous thing to say.

How the hell is it a 'hate crime' to shout at an old lady who is rude to your kids?

Hate crime 😂😂😂

lol @ people tell you to apologise! She's a horrible cow and deserved every word and more.

Sure, you overreacted but you know this and she was an absolute bitch about what seems like well-behaved children. Maybe apologise but tbh so should she.

I think you let your children down by using language like that in front of them.
I totally understand how annoyed you felt, I would have felt like hitting the old witch but all you did was teach your children that aggression and swearing is the way to handle conflict.
Have you spoken to them about the incident?

your kids are learning how to deal with conflict

Yeah they're learning that you don't have to meekly put up with some old witch being gratuitously rude to you.

“I should have ignored her or left it at a simple "you're very rude".”

Yeah we all know what we should have done after the event. You say not an angry person and you would know. I believe you. Just put it in the experience box and move on. Nothing bad will happen.

Hate crime!!!! Hahaha!

Last time I checked ‘bitter witch’ didn’t fall under the definition of hate speech

I would have done the same thing! Cheeky cow.

I have never shouted “Go fuck yourself” at a stranger on a bus, though

Nor me, but if I'm honest I've only ever taken my dc on a bus about twice so I don't feel I'm in a position to judge. I'm sure I've got stressed and sworn in the car with them, however.

Maybe the lady had MH issues. She was rude but you were bang out of order.