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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
demirose87 · 16/02/2018 08:46

It was an overreaction and you went a little too far, but you're only human and you snapped. I don't blame you.She sounds like a bitter person who probably hates children but really should have been minding her own business. Maybe next time she will think twice about being hurtful to mothers with young children who are doing their best.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 16/02/2018 08:47

Oh it's interesting watching the tribes develop on a thread. And the replies getting increasingly over the top.

Davespecifico · 16/02/2018 08:49

Your reaction will have been water off a duck’s back to her. If she reacted like that to your children chattering, she’ll have got herself in many verbal over the years.
How did your children react to seeing you lose it?

headinhands · 16/02/2018 08:49

Eek. People get so vicious so quickly. I have a very sweetly speaking friend who comes across as all peace and love but have known her to spectacularly lose it when faced with judgmental comments.

I really hope I wouldn't do this. I can imagine how awful you feel op and can now see the many better ways there would have been to deal with it.

The key is to not do it again. My friend I mentioned doesn't seem to learn and does it again and again.

Davespecifico · 16/02/2018 08:49

‘Verbal spats’ that should say.

WellThisIsShit · 16/02/2018 08:50

Ah well, you can’t do anything about it now, so I’d chalk it up to experience, and try to forget about it.

She was clearly very unpleasant. You went overboard. That’s it.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/02/2018 08:52

Yanbu. Old or young some ppl are just unpleasant.

NataliaOsipova · 16/02/2018 08:52

I would have called her out too; people like that often get away with that sort of bullying and I always challenge it. But - and it's a golden rule - you never swear. You can adopt your best withering glance and a tone like you're shooting bullets. But you never swear.

But, honestly, even though you won't come out covered in glory, I'm in the "good for you" camp. She'll think twice before she does that to someone else.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 16/02/2018 08:53

If this is real and you told an old lady to go and fuck herself in front of your three young children, you really are a disgrace. Have a good look at yourself and sort yourself out Hmm

Loonoon · 16/02/2018 08:53

She was very rude but you were abusive. If I were one of your SD i would have been mortified by the pair of you.

woodhill · 16/02/2018 08:55

She was rude but yabu for the swearing etc.

saoirse31 · 16/02/2018 08:57

She was rude, you were worse. Tbh I would wonder how often you curse and shout at people when you're annoyed by them... maybe you don't, you're the only one who knows that. However, resorting to shouting faurly viviously at an elderly person like that?

If I'd seen you, my first thought would have been to wonder what you're like when you're not in public, and I'd feel some concern for your children. As I say, maybe you're a wonderful calm mother, you're the only one who knows.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 16/02/2018 08:57

Oh, OP, I know you will get pelters on here for swearing at her, but if I had been sitting behind you on the bus I would have been smiling quietly!

It's not ideal, but she did ask for it. Just ignore her if you see her again. I don't think you are "a disgrace", just human.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2018 09:01

She was very rude but you were abusive. If I were one of your SD i would have been mortified by the pair of you.

This just about suns it up.

TheNewMrsTomHardy · 16/02/2018 09:01

Lots of pearl clutching and those judgy pants being pulled up nice and high on this one Op.

Yeah okay, may be the swearing was too much but as someone said upthread, if I’d been near you on that bus, I would’ve smiled to myself and silently cheered you on.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 16/02/2018 09:01

Calling children "that" is incredibly demeaning. And calling 3 children under 6 a "disgrace" along with their mother is far more offensive than telling someone to go fuck themselves.

Swearing wasn't good, but only because it would leave her thinking that she was morally right.

Itscurtainsforyou · 16/02/2018 09:02

Well done OP. I've heard a few older (sorry to sound ageist but this is my experience, younger people I've found just turn up their headphones) people who object to perfectly normal children chatter/behaviour and verbally attack the parents and it's bang out of order.

You probably didn't cover yourself in glory by telling her to go fuck herself but I can see how you reached that point.

Louiselouie0890 · 16/02/2018 09:07

I had an old lady yesterday say "doesn't he come with a volume control" he was barely even speaking. I was stood outside the shop waiting for partner. I was gobsmacked. Some people are just miserable twats.

TheNewMrsTomHardy · 16/02/2018 09:08

Never forget, Mumsnet is full of perfect parents with perfect children, living perfect lives, who never do anything other than the right thing and speak like they were a BBC presenter/Mr Chumley-Warner.

A lot of them on this thread it would seem . . .

milkandcookie · 16/02/2018 09:08

totally justified outburst, to refer to your kids as that and that, including call them a disgrace is bang out of order she should know better, that being said i would sit the kids down and explain that is not the best way to deal with it. Although tbh with people like that taking the moral high ground has no benefits as they will just carry on.,

Louiselouie0890 · 16/02/2018 09:08

Yanbu by the way. There's no way I'd let her say that about my children. Some people do need to be told.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2018 09:10

I'm not sure I'd agree that the definition of a perfect parent is somone who doesn't shout at people to go fuck themselves on the bus in front of their kids.

But hey maybe we just have different standards. Hmm

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 09:11

You need to learn to control your temper.

I promise you that this outburst was out of character for me and not my usual response in the face of rudeness or unkindness.

I didn't mention her age to be judgemental of older people. I mentioned it because I shouldn't be shouting at anyone but it feels worse that the particular someone I did shout at was of the older generation.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/02/2018 09:12

Yeah I can think of two occasions where I lost the plot and swore at malicious older women when my ds1 was a baby. Same thing...both were very rude about my baby and my parenting, uninvited and out of the blue. Personally, I think the shock creates a rush of adrenaline that propels you to behave in an uninhibited manner. I wouldn’t normally swear at members of the public.

I still cringe a bit if it flashes into my mind but only because there is such a pressure on our culture to preserve politeness above all else so my behaviour was outlandish from a social perspective. From a moral point of view, I think they can both still get to fuck.

Shimmershimmerandshine · 16/02/2018 09:13

YABU the older lady could have have been rude, grumpy or she could have had dementia or painful arthritic joints and there you are shouting obscenities at her.

The OP could have post natal depression; serious health problems; be on the cusp of being evicted from her house; have a very sick relative; been recently bereaved; be a foster parent looking after troubled children. Problems/ challenges aren't something that only old people face y'know Hmm