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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:
RoseWhiteTips · 16/02/2018 10:59

No one should try to justify swearing in front of their children or anyone else’s children. It is vile behaviour.

Original poster
TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 10:59

I didn't set a good example to my children, I agree wholeheartedly, and I've spoken to them about it.

OP posts:
petbear · 16/02/2018 11:00

@simmershimmerandshine I don't think he should be congratulated for it, but having to write a letter of apology is OTT. I can't stand this mindset that a tiny minority of older people have that they can be as unpleasant as they like and then when someone is rude back they pearl clutch and expect respect for 'age'.

Imagine it was a child the same age the exchange was with who then went and complained at school the next day. The teachers would be like this Hmm

Exactly! Just because the woman was a couple of generations older than him, she deserves more respect? WHY? She was rude to start with. As I have said - several times now - why do some people think being over 55 gives people a free pass to be a rude cunt? Does my head in. And as I said, some of the nastiest people I encounter are in over 55.

Many MUCH older folk (like 85 and older) are usually quite nice, but this age group (mid 50's to about mid 70's,) have some of the rudest, most entitled people I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

Not ALL of them are like this OBVIOUSLY, but if I meet 10 rude people in a week, 9 of them will be mid 50's to mid 70's, without fail. And my daughters (both in their early 20's) are treated like shit by people of this age group WAY more than any other age group. And I must say, it's almost always WOMEN of that age group who are rude. Rarely men.

@WitchesHatRim

If you are going down that route you could say that the lady didn't call him a brat either.....

I am far more inclined to believe the woman on the bus called the young lad a clumsy brat, for ACCIDENTALLY tripping over her foot, than I am to believe the lad called her a cunt and wished death on her. Nope. Don't believe it at all.

As I said, the woman on the bus would not have got a letter of apology from MY kids, unless she had written one to them for being rude to THEM.

You do NOT get to be rude and nasty, and get away with it JUST BECAUSE you are a 'senior.' I have made it clear that the bad language in uncalled for, but apart from that, young people have every right to defend themselves against the older generation if they attack them. It's about time some (older) people learned that they have no right to demand respect purely because they are 'older.' They don't!

Shimmershimmerandshine · 16/02/2018 11:02

Many of the people who are supporting you here are swearing themselves. Classy.

Rose you may be classy, but also absolutely insufferable.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 16/02/2018 11:06

petbear - If I meet 10 rude people in a week.... Have you ever considered that your far higher than average encounters with rude people could be connected to how they're responding to you^ personally?
i.e. their interactions with less abrasive people might be just fine?

mintich · 16/02/2018 11:07

To be fair I'd react like that too! Some people need to be told!

RoseWhiteTips · 16/02/2018 11:08

I think the posters who are queuing up here to support the fact that a stranger was sworn at in a pretty vile way, in public, are losing the argument.

The OP should take on board that it is more dignified and civilised to keep your own counsel.

It makes no difference whatsoever how old or young the person was, incidentally. If you behave in an uncivilised way in public - or indeed, in private - you lose.

mintich · 16/02/2018 11:08

....and I wouldn't be apologising

BakedBeans47 · 16/02/2018 11:10

If you behave in an uncivilised way in public - or indeed, in private - you lose.

As the woman did in the first instance, then?

mintich · 16/02/2018 11:11

I really wish I was one of those people who could rise above it and say something calmly. But sometimes the rage just flies out. It's never with people I know ( ie family, I'm normally very patient and calm) only if someone is attacking me or my family.

itsmeimcathyivecomehome · 16/02/2018 11:11

Iamagreyhound - I think I love you 😂

RoseAndRose · 16/02/2018 11:12

"As the woman did in the first instance, then?"

Yes, but what she did (muttering criticisms) is pale compared to the aggressive shouted profanities that followed.

mrsmuddlepies · 16/02/2018 11:14

I can see you were provoked OP but shouting and swearing is intimidation. If a Community Policeman had witnessed it you might have been in trouble. Avoid aggressive behaviour. Apart from anything else it will haunt you and your peace of mind for ages.

viques · 16/02/2018 11:14

Wow, such a great role model for your children you are. I imagine they are more upset about seeing and hearing their mother descend into a foul mouthed harpie that overhearing a comment which probably didn't even register. I think you over reacted to the nth degree and so have lost any sympthy you might have earned from the woman's nasty attitude.

Bluelady · 16/02/2018 11:16

Wow, just wow. Talk about disproportionate. At least you realise that, OP. The lady's behaviour wasn't justified but yours was worse. You could have emerged from the encounter with the dignity of being the better person.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 16/02/2018 11:16

People are massively intolerant on buses. I was sitting next to a lady yesterday, a mum with a small toddler got on with an older child, toddler decided they wouldn't sit on the chair, and the mum picked them up and firmly put them on their lap. Small squeal, then sorted out- but the lady next to me muttered 'for goodness sake' and started huffing.

The parent did nothing wrong! Children were well under control.

ELR · 16/02/2018 11:18

We all do things we regret. I would just chalk it up to one of those things. I would of probably told her to go fuck herself too!

addictedtochoc · 16/02/2018 11:19

You lost the moral Hugh ground when you swore at her in public and in front of your children.

All she, or any of the other passengers will remember is that you lost your temper, shouted and swore in front of your children.

You would have retained the sympathy and respect if the other passengers and embarrassed the woman far more if you had maintained a polite response.

Defend your children and call her on her rudeness by all means but it would have been far, far more effective if you’d been calm and icily polite.

The winner of an argument is not she who shouts loudest. Dignity is more eloquent than obscenity.

This! I instantly loose respect for any parent who swears in front of their children. If I were on the bus, my opinion of you would have changed the second you swore at her with your children in earshot.

Most of those on the bus already agreed (and even defended) you. That had already proven she was a bitter old lady, there was just no need for swearing.

RoseWhiteTips · 16/02/2018 11:20

BakedBeans47

If you behave in an uncivilised way in public - or indeed, in private - you lose.

As the woman did in the first instance, then?

Absolutely - but she didn’t treat the other passengers to a volley of disgusting swear words.

addictedtochoc · 16/02/2018 11:20

Saying that, she does not need an apology at all. Apologising to your children and explaining that you didn't handle the situation well (like you already have done) is more than adequate.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/02/2018 11:21

She was rude. You were way OTT.
Also I doubt your children were as quiet as you think they were.

Let it go.

Lisajane2810 · 16/02/2018 11:21

i think to be fair her referring to your children that way probably tipped you over the edge. we all have a breaking point.

AHungryMum · 16/02/2018 11:22

Some of you seriously need to a) get a grip and b) actually re-read the original post and title of the thread.

The OP herself clearly acknowledges that she crossed a line...and she clearly feels terrible about it. She has mentioned the age of the other party not to make stereotypes about old biddies, but more in the context of "oh god what have I done I just told a pensioner to fuck of" (I'm paraphrasing, but that was clearly the tone of her original post)

Those of you speculating that the kids were noisier than the OP herself has suggested - please bear in mind that this is mere speculation on your part and you weren't there. Don't assume anything. OP did say that other passengers agreed that the kids' noise levels were okay. It's also entirely speculative to suggest the older lady may have had dementia. She might just have been a cantankerous old cow. None of us know, we can only judge on the facts that we do know.

The old lady in question was obnoxious. Yes the OP didn't react well, but the old lady started it and was clearly being an absolute cow. As others have said, hopefully the fact that someone has stood up to her might make her think twice before being so arsey to complete strangers for the heinous crime of having kids that are acting like kids.

Don't worry @TheCrossKeys - you are not a bad person. Go easy on yourself. Hope things get easier soon. Xxxx

Ellendegeneres · 16/02/2018 11:22

I’ve seen similar on buses in the past. Usually when I’m collapsing my buggy to allow someone space or shifting it round, and someone pipes up about how long it’s taking. They start on the meeker looking person who’s having space made for them. Only it’s me that pipes up and tells them to settle down and have a bit of consideration that it’s a public space.

Op like you said, it wasn’t your finest hour but we all have our snapping points and I don’t think you need to rehash or continue to worry over it. Your kids know it’s not how to behave, you can have a cuppa and relax now. No lasting damage done.

itsmeimcathyivecomehome · 16/02/2018 11:23

Wow there are some perfect parents on this thread, aren't there?! Lose all respect for someone who swears in front of kids indeed - you have NO idea what they've been through that day, but you go right ahead and tighten your judgey pants!!

The OP knows she was wrong. I'm sure she won't do it again, remembering how this feels.

If it were me, I'd do as OP has done and explain to the children that mummy was having a bad day but mummy was naughty/rude and might have hurt the old lady's feelings, and we shouldn't do that, ever. Then if I saw the old lady again, I would apologise for my language but say that I do maintain the kids were being polite and quiet.