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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel awful about shouting at an older lady

540 replies

TheCrossKeys · 16/02/2018 01:17

I got the bus today with the baby, 6yo, and 4yo. Baby started having a little whinge when we first got on so I gave her a banana out of the shopping bag and she was silent for the rest of the trip, stuffing her face. 4yo and 6yo were chatting quietly but not constantly, I was across the aisle from them and could barely hear them. I am not shy about telling my DC to quiet down when they're being too loud, I will remove them if they don't and they know this as a fact.

When it got close to the stop we needed, 6yo asked me if this was our stop - it's not a route we usually travel so she wasn't familiar with it - I said yes. The older lady (maybe late 60s?) in the seat behind me piped up in a really nasty voice "good, maybe it'll be quiet now". I asked her what she meant and she pointed at the baby and DD and said "I mean the amount of noise from that and that!". I said she was being very rude about young children who had been sitting quietly and minding their own business, other passengers agreed that they were sitting quietly. She then told me "they're a disgrace and so are you". So I lost my temper and told her she was a nasty fucking witch and was sheborn this bitter or did it develop over time. I then lost whatever dignity I had left and (to my absolute shame) told her to go fuck herself.

I am not a horrible person, I try to be kind and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've been having a tough time lately and the DC have been so good during it all, they are not little angels all of the time but they really were being quiet and I simply lost my rag.

We have to use that same route again tomorrow and I'm dreading it in case she's on the bus again.

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 16/02/2018 09:46

I would have been totally on your side, but would have mentally removed myself from your side when you told someone to "go fuck yourself" on a bus in front of your children and the general public. I am no saint and have been known to swear in children's hearing in extremis (traffic near misses, stubbed toes etc) for sure but thats a different level. And if that makes me a "pearl clutcher" so be it!

Eltonjohnssyrup · 16/02/2018 09:47

YANBU at all. If you go around being a dickhead eventually you'll pick on the wrong person. Hope she learned her lesson. She's lucky you weren't someone punchy.

hawleybits · 16/02/2018 09:47

I find it very difficult to imagine that anyone, elderly or otherwise, would make their feelings known in such a way, if the children had been sitting quietly as the OP suggests.
We are hearing one side of a story here.
Losing it in public by shouting and using foul language in front of small children, in my opinion, is unacceptable.

petbear · 16/02/2018 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Forgeteverythingandremember · 16/02/2018 09:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2018 09:53

Genuine question. When my ds’s friend was 14, he tripped over a woman’s foot on the bus. She said “Be careful, you clumsy brat” He said “Oh, fuck off and die, you old cunt” (I know the exact words because ds was there)

He was reported to the school and was punished and made to write a letter of apology. Do people on here think he should be congratulated for standing up for himself?

TeasndToast · 16/02/2018 09:54

Hate crime is hate crime

I detest the word ‘snowflake’, but just this once...

pictish · 16/02/2018 09:57

“You do realise that your children will go on and repeat this behaviour, don't you? You will no doubt be called in to school at some point because one of your DC has told one of their classmates to fuck themself. And the DC will say to the teacher: "But Mummy said it to a lady on the bus". Good luck with that one.”

Did you do a pleased little nod to yourself after you typed that load of bollocks?

Shimmershimmerandshine · 16/02/2018 09:57

The ideal in my opinion would have been to turn to the woman and say 'Do you realise how incredibly rude and offensive you are being'? or 'I really don't think there's a need to be so rude' I suspect she may have even been more upset at being accused of being rude than being told to fuck off. I used the second one on someone in a supermarket once who was unpleasant to me and she was RAGING about it because it merely pointed out that she was in the wrong and made her look silly.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/02/2018 09:59

I'm sorry, that made me laugh! YABU to feel awful. Was she born 150 years ago? She deserved everything she got.

UgandanKnuckles · 16/02/2018 10:01

@BertrandRussell well, yes I do actually. Some older people think they can be as vicious as they like simply because they are old and we should all politely accept it with good humour. Good on the boy for sticking up for himself!

CousinKrispy · 16/02/2018 10:02

*Ilovesooty Children need to be taught to convey their emotions in a way that's appropriate for the context. This is a lifelong learning process as no one is perfect at this. It doesn't mean that if a child hears someone swearing they will be hugely set back in this process. If anything it's a lesson - the OP lost control and regrets it, she has explained to her children that she now feels worse than if she'd stayed calm. If her children did the same thing she'd talk to them about that again and explain the consequences of being rude to people, especially at school.

There have been very few psychological studies on swearing but they tend to suggest that whether children hear swearing has no bearing on their development - but children (and people in general) do react to tension, violence and insulting language. Which swearing can be - but it equally can be something totally different - swearing conveys all sorts of emotions from surprise to pleasure to pain - and language can be violent, even criminal, without any swearing at all. People just use "swearing in front of a child" as lazy shorthand for exposing children to adult themes but that's total projection.*

I thought this PP made a really good point. Making a mistake (like swearing at someone else in front of your kids) is actually a really good opportunity to talk to them (as the OP did) and explain how things could have gone better and how to make better choices about behavior. I think it's really good for kids to see that parents can make and ADMIT mistakes and address it openly.

So maybe it wasn't the ideal way to behave, but it sounds like OP has genuinely tried to address this with her kids to help them understand that it's not a model for them to follow but was a genuine mistake.

WitchesHatRim · 16/02/2018 10:03

Some older people think they can be as vicious as they like simply because they are old and we should all politely accept it with good humour. Good on the boy for sticking up for himself!

You think telling someone to 'fuck off and die you old cunt' is a proportionate to being called a brat?

petbear · 16/02/2018 10:03

He was reported to the school and was punished and made to write a letter of apology. Do people on here think he should be congratulated for standing up for himself?

Nice try @bertrandrussell . And here is a 'genuine answer...'

Yes, that boy was within his rights to defend himself if this rude woman called his a clumsy brat for accidentally tripping over her foot. The language was unnecessary, but I already SAID that the OP should curb her language next time. (And I am not sure I believe this boy said that anyway actually.)

If I had been this boy's mum, I would have refused to make him write a letter of apology, unless the woman wrote one to him for being rude to HIM!

Why is SHE allowed to be nasty and rude but he isn't? Is it because you should 'respect your elders?' CRAP! Respect is EARNED; you don't get it because you are 2 generations older.

Moreover, some of the nastiest, rudest people I encounter are 55 plus. Not younger people.

And yes, we all DO have different standards don't we bertrandrussell ? Some of don't allow people to talk to us like shit purely because they are 40 years older than us, and some people let it happen. We are never going to teach older people that it's unacceptable to treat young people like shit if they are not educated, and put in their place when they ARE rude and nasty.

petbear · 16/02/2018 10:04

You think telling someone to 'fuck off and die you old cunt' is a proportionate to being called a brat?

Yeah, sure he said that............

Shimmershimmerandshine · 16/02/2018 10:05

I don't think he should be congratulated for it, but having to write a letter of apology is OTT. I can't stand this mindset that a tiny minority of older people have that they can be as unpleasant as they like and then when someone is rude back they pearl clutch and expect respect for 'age'.

Imagine it was a child the same age the exchange was with who then went and complained at school the next day. The teachers would be like this

paxillin · 16/02/2018 10:05

You lose your temper to the degree that you call someone a nasty fucking witch? That seems outlandishly unusual and I am sure I don't know anybody who might accidentally do this. I do know a couple of really angry people who might do this, but they are generally abrasive. Is it possible that your idea of children sitting quietly is also different from other people's?

WitchesHatRim · 16/02/2018 10:06

Yeah, sure he said that.

Well unless you were there you don't know do you.

If you are going down that route you could say that the lady didn't call him a brat either.....

DeadButDelicious · 16/02/2018 10:06

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I think we've all done something we aren't particularly proud of at one time or another. You lost your temper. She was being vile. No one comes out smelling of roses here. But I don't think you should beat yourself up.

Sit the kids down and explain that what happened on the bus wasn't ok. Use it as an opportunity to teach.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 16/02/2018 10:06

OP you do not bloody apologise!

Good on you for standing up for yourself - maybe she’ll think about it before doing it next time.

No you shouldn’t have sworn but try telling that to defensive mama. She’s a nob. Nobs don’t deserve an apology

UgandanKnuckles · 16/02/2018 10:07

@witcheshatbrim did the boy deserve that when all he'd done was gasp trip over? If you want be nasty to complete strangers, you'd better have a thick skin.

blackteasplease · 16/02/2018 10:08

She was very much in the wrong in the first place. I do think you overreacted and went too far but we are only human.

You definitely shouldn't be apologising if you see her again though!

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/02/2018 10:08

Bertrand he should be congratulated for standing up for himself, but his choice of words wasn't the best. But if we think that our 14 year olds aren't using language like that, then we're sadly deluded.

DenPerry · 16/02/2018 10:09

She was awful... a disgrace? Some people really are bitter and twisted. I can understand you shouting, I have always been a calm person but since having kids there is a fire in me that I have to control. I think it would have been more effective if you would have said what you said but without the swear words and said calmly. Then you would have still made her feel like turd but you get to keep the moral high ground. Hard in the heat of the moment I know!

ChocFudgeLover · 16/02/2018 10:10

I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. You called her out on her unnecessary rudeness, she might think twice next time.

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