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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told the truth?

110 replies

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:18

A friends of mine is planning a surprise wedding for his other half (they're engaged, but she's worried about finances, so she thinks they should wait, he's trying to put together something low budget but still what they wanted together as a surprise for her).
He asked me for my opinion on making it child free but for their own offspring. My opinion is that if you want a child free wedding, fine, so long as you don't get stroppy with the people who choose not to come on account of that fact. I said that I for example wouldn't attend, as I'm breastfeeding DS, and have another DC on the way, who will likely either be solo or tandem feeding by the time the wedding comes about. I said I'd still send a gift, and that DP would attend though, so I made it clear I wasn't throwing my toys out of the pram, simply that it's not possible for me to attend (I've never responded well to a pump so expressing isn't a practical option for me).
He's completely flown off the handle, and said I'm selfish, and expect my kid(s) to come before everyone else (if anything I go the other way and miss out on things so DS isn't causing a PITA to anyone. He's pretty much the centre of my world, but I don't expect him to be that to anyone else at all, why would he be?). I gave an honest answer to a question I was asked. Was I inadvertently rude? Should I not have said anything? Hormonal at the moment so I'm finding it hard to judge. Opinions please ladies?

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 15/02/2018 09:22

No, I don't believe YABU at all. I suspect he's freaking out at things he just hadn't even thought about and it's all a bit tricky for him. He probably thought it was going to be a fairly simple thing to organise and now he's discovered it isn't.

Wolfiefan · 15/02/2018 09:23

Well if you're BF a new baby as well how could you go?
A surprise wedding? Would she welcome this? Some people have very strong views about how they want their wedding to be. She doesn't want to wait because she wants her dream weddings does she? Shock

T1M2N3T4 · 15/02/2018 09:23

YANBU - I wouldn't attend a wedding under those circumstances.
It's not like someone else can breastfeed your children! He's the selfish one

GreenTulips · 15/02/2018 09:23

I think you answered perfectly well.

He's stressed and over reacted - he - unlike you - expects the wedding to be the centre of everyone else's world

Nocabbageinmyeye · 15/02/2018 09:25

Anybody who thinks organising a surprise wedding is a good idea is a fucking twat of the highest order anyway so don't worry about it

Cherrycokewinning · 15/02/2018 09:27

It comes across as you really made it very much about you but maybe that’s just the way it’s written.

But he also sounds like he hasn’t really thought much about it

FinallyHere · 15/02/2018 09:28

I think honesty was your best policy.

Would anyone who has suggested waiting and saving for a wedding honestly be pleased with a surprise, low budget affaire. Isn't the whole point of getting married that you are a team and discuss things before deciding whats going to happen. This surprise sounds like his attempt to override her wishes, who knows how it will be received.

Quartz2208 · 15/02/2018 09:28

Your opinion is correct nothing wrong with a child free wedding as long as you don’t mind some guests not coming

kungpopanda · 15/02/2018 09:28

Warn the 'bride' what the plonker is doing. That'll teach himBear

RedHelenB · 15/02/2018 09:29

Surely you only go for a child free wedding if you don't have kids?

kungpopanda · 15/02/2018 09:30

Urgh, wrong emotithing. Wanted Grin

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:30

To be honest I think she'll be over the moon with it, or I'd have tried to talk him out of it. She's already got her dress which is the big one I imagine. They had casually planned a lot of the main things such as the cake, and the type of venue etc. He's doing everything to her tastes, as he's a typical bloke and not that interested, he just wants a nice day with family and friends, the finer details aren't that big of a deal to him.
That's a fair point about the organisation panic. I have no interest in getting married myself, and at present there's no justifiable practical reason for us the get a registry office effort either, so I've never really considered the implications of planning a fancy wedding.

He's lucky that amongst their friends, they have a lot of people who can offer a skill or trade which he's asked if they'd be willing to do in lieu of a gift (myself included), and everyone asked has agreed, so he has lots of support. You're right though, it must be a mammoth task on your own, particularly when it's a surprise for the person who typically has the biggest hand in the planning.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/02/2018 09:30

No you answered it well. However much can come across in the delivery.

Example,

Oh I think that would be a lovely idea as much more focused on adults then. I guess some folks won't be able to come, probably myself, but hubby will, be there. I'm sure many will be able to make arrangements go for it if you think that would suit you both.

Or

You do what you want, but I won't be there. Neither will many others. If you're happy for her not to have her mates there you just crack on.

MatildaTheCat · 15/02/2018 09:32

He asked your opinion without wanting your opinion.

Since they have children can he not see that attending isn’t exactly an option if you are breastfeeding? And many people don’t have the childcare support for a whole wedding.

I would drop some hints to the bride.

GreenTulips · 15/02/2018 09:32

Actually I think you've just highlighted an issue that he hasn't given any thought too.

He assumed everyone would just go along with what he wanted and you scuppered his eveil plan!

I don't thinknota the delivery at all - it's his realisation of the true Picture

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:34

Cherrycokewinning I didn't give him a monologue like I wrote in my OP, he asked about the child free thing, I said I thought it was fine so long as he accepted that people may not come and didn't try and pressure/guilt people into coming (a mutual friend of ours did this, pre-DC for me, but not for him, and it all got very uncomfortable). He asked why I thought people wouldn't come just because they couldn't bring their children, I mentioned childcare, breastfeeding, not feeling comfortable leaving their children for a full day, then went on to say I wouldn't be able to for example, because of the BF. I didn't mention that some people take offense at their children being excluded, as that seemed goady.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2018 09:35

So she is going to get a Wedding that she worries that they can afford, it won't be exactly what she wants and now some of her friends and possibly family won't be able to attend, but he's still going ahead with it?

Well that's going to end well.

SandAndSea · 15/02/2018 09:37

He's being unreasonable.

(I'm someone who likes a no-kids wedding too.)

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:38

Bluntness It was much gentler in my response than in my OP. I wrote this:

"Child free weddings are becoming more popular. It would help you keep the costs down, and likely make the day more peaceful and relaxing. So long as you make it clear from the start, and give ample notice for those who need childcare to arrange it, I don't see it as an issue. Be mindful though that some people might not want or be able to come if they can't bring their kids, hark back to the [pushy mutual friend] debacle"

OP posts:
yrhengi · 15/02/2018 09:46

YANBU at all, and I say that as someone who had a virtually child-free wedding.

I think he's seen one too many episodes of Don't Tell the Bride. Or maybe not enough I'd also be a little bit Hmm about this - a lot of people who can offer a skill or trade which he's asked if they'd be willing to do in lieu of a gift (myself included), and everyone asked has agreed. There's a difference between being asked to take a few photos of the bride, say, and effectively spending the whole wedding working when everyone else is drinking/enjoying themselves. Or spending a fortune on wedding cake ingredients because the groom hasn't got any idea how much a cake costs to make but asking Karen to whip one up saves £400...

If he's asking big favours of friends, wouldn't the bride want to know?

wendywoopywoo222 · 15/02/2018 09:46

I don't know where you are but in the UK you can't have surprise weddings as have to both register so many days before. I can't remember how many.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 15/02/2018 09:49

He's being unreasonable. I wanted a child free wedding (I didn't have one though) but I would have completely understood that some people might not have been able to come. Thankfully there were only 6 children though.

We compromised by making the evening child free (apart from the ones already there from the day) and that worked well.

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:50

As mad as it sounds, I honestly think she's going to love the wedding. We've talked at length about weddingy stuff (sometimes so I can fish for information), and so far, everything he's arranged is exactly what she wants. He's just been much more forward about asking for discounts and favours than she would ever have been. For example, by asking friends to offer services in place of a gift, he's got the hair, nails and make up for the bridal party and the two mothers, the centre pieces, the table favours, the cake and the band for absolutely nothing. He's got the flowers (for the bridal party and the venue) at cost price. The wedding itself and the after do are all at the same place, so only one room to decorate. The venue have cut him a good deal; they visit there a lot, and it's actually where he proposed, so they're bending over backwards. He's paying venue only, and they're throwing in table cloths, napkins, chair covers and bows, and fairly lights for nothing.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 15/02/2018 09:51

I request a child free wedding, after witnessing my SIL kids wreck my SIL wedding, and knew my gs would play up, it was a small Register Office, with elderly relatives coming a long way. I changed my wedding day, (and reception) several times to suit MIL, 3 days before the wedding she rang going on and on and on, about the children coming. I gave in, in floods of tears, had had enough by then, told my now DH if she said one more word about the wedding it was off, he laughed I was serious. Ended up having our Honeymoon before the Wedding, couldnt aford to cancel and loose the money. Children played up, at the meal, the BILs children sat each side of my Husband at the top table refused to move, I sat on the very last seat at the very last table, day ruined. We were gojng to go off very quietly, me, him and 4 DC, originally booked Grentna Green, wish to God we had done that, just quiet Wedding no fuss what we wanted, not what SHE wanted. So I would have loved a "secret" Wedding.

HoneyDragon · 15/02/2018 09:51

For me this is the same as if you wanted a new family car but finances were tight. It would be hugely disrespectful to use joint finances to buy the car you thought the other wanted and present it as a fait accompli. I don’t think he’s doing this for his do, I think he wants his wedding and his temper tantrum was a direct result of you presenting a reasonable obstruction to what HE wants. His so could well be devastated that people aren’t there because they couldn’t come as a family .... that may be one of the reasons she wishes to save for longer.