AIBU to have told the truth?

[PeapodBurgundy]

A friends of mine is planning a surprise wedding for his other half (they're engaged, but she's worried about finances, so she thinks they should wait, he's trying to put together something low budget but still what they wanted together as a surprise for her).
He asked me for my opinion on making it child free but for their own offspring. My opinion is that if you want a child free wedding, fine, so long as you don't get stroppy with the people who choose not to come on account of that fact. I said that I for example wouldn't attend, as I'm breastfeeding DS, and have another DC on the way, who will likely either be solo or tandem feeding by the time the wedding comes about. I said I'd still send a gift, and that DP would attend though, so I made it clear I wasn't throwing my toys out of the pram, simply that it's not possible for me to attend (I've never responded well to a pump so expressing isn't a practical option for me).
He's completely flown off the handle, and said I'm selfish, and expect my kid(s) to come before everyone else (if anything I go the other way and miss out on things so DS isn't causing a PITA to anyone. He's pretty much the centre of my world, but I don't expect him to be that to anyone else at all, why would he be?). I gave an honest answer to a question I was asked. Was I inadvertently rude? Should I not have said anything? Hormonal at the moment so I'm finding it hard to judge. Opinions please ladies?

'So what actually happened is you said you couldn't attend the wedding because you are bf a two year old then. Puts a slightly different look on it op.'

What's that matter? If people have a childfree wedding they need to realise that some people can't or won't attend. If they don't like that then don't have a childfree wedding or end the friendship.

No yanbu.

But also his kids will be bored and have no one to play with if he invites no other kids.

'The wedding itself and the after do are all at the same place, so only one room to decorate.'

So it's a licensed venue? Otherwise, again, it's not a legal wedding.

chocfudgelover That's not what I said, but I'm entitled to decline an invite without having to justify it. It's an invite, not a summons. I'll also be feeding a (roughly) 2 week old at the time, so it's not practical for me to go. Aside from that, I don't want to go out and spend a day without my childr(ren). I've not reached the stage where I'm craving child free time yet, so a day away from him/them would just be a worry, and that's assuming I could even get childcare. I've never needed to, so I don't know how hard it is to arrange. He asked my opinion on child free weddings, I gave it, he asked me if I would attend, I said no and gave him my reasons. I'm not getting into a debate and defending my parenting choices over a wedding that, by the look of the registration thing, won't even be happening.

'I'm not getting into a debate and defending my parenting choices over a wedding that, by the look of the registration thing, won't even be happening.'

You don't have to. It's an invitation. He asked, you told. He's a CF. The ol' 'gimme a service in lieu of a gift' - if he were a woman, he'd be utterly roasted for that on here. And yeah, if they don't register it and it's not in a church of licensed venue, it's not a legal wedding.

said I'm selfish, and expect my kid(s) to come before everyone else

You are NOT selfish, you are being a parent. Your kids DO come before anything else.#

And I agree with others - this will not be a wedding, it will be a party with a big dress. And he is an arse.

A lot of children at a wedding will bump up costs considerably, so it's perfectly reasonable not to invite them - as long as you don't get upset or narky with people who can't come because they don't have childcare available just for the asking.

Having said that, I don't see that BFing - in itself - is a reason for staying away. It's perfectly possible to BF discreetly, in case of any PITA old farts/fartettes who might be shocked or embarrassed.

I have BF (discreetly) during a church wedding ceremony, and this was ages ago. Nobody turned a hair. A dd BFed on and off during her own wedding day, though I know that's a bit different!

Surely you only go for a child free wedding if you don't have kids?

My DH and I had a 2yo at the time of our wedding and we had almost a child-free wedding because if we had allowed all of our guests to bring their children, they would have taken up half of our numbers. That's a lot of children rather than friends coming to our wedding rather than friends.

We allowed the children of our immediate family (so our nieces and nephews) and babes in arms who couldn't be away from their parents. No one complained.

YANBU.
Going by what you sent to him, you’ve explained perfectly eloquently for your reasons.
I’ll be honest - if it were merely the two year old in question, I guess I might deep down wish that the person still attend even just for a few hours because two year olds don’t tend to feed that much, but needing to breastfeed a newborn who isn’t allowed to attend the wedding but needs to feed on demand is a very valid and reasonable reason to turn down the invitation.
Kudos to you OP for being so polite and thorough when giving your advice.
Being rude to a guest for not being able to attend a wedding for reasons that she’ll have such a young baby is totally unreasonable of him. Also, the practicalities of breastfeeding a newborn aside- not everyone is ready to attend a wedding only a couple of weeks after the birth! Neither childbirth nor dealing with a baby throughout the night are easy. He is incredibly rude for saying that you’re being self centred here.
Good luck with your LO!

It's a licensed wedding venue, they're not massively popular (it's an odd location in that it's attached to a camp site, but it's stunningly beautiful so there are people willing to overlook that). But I don't see how he's going to register intent to marry, so it's likely going to do down the pan anyway. I knew nothing of it until PPs mentioned it. I looked it up and sent him a link to the Gov.UK page.

I didn't realise it was such a faux pas to ask favours from friends. Not that I do it really myself. I have a friend who's a hairdresser who has trimmed my hair a few times, but I pay her the same as I pay the non-friend mobile hairdresser who usually does it for me. He asked me if I'd make some picture frames and do the centre pieces for the tables as their wedding gift, and I'm happy to. I didn't find the request cheeky, I thought it was nice to help out (I used to make giftware as a sideline business, but closed it when I had DS as I no longer had the energy or inclination to bother with it).

I'd be happy to feed at the wedding gettinglikemy mother, it's not that I could feed there but don't want to, but the children aren't invited.

Well as far as your question goes you are being by completely reasonable. How else could you have answered ?
So many questions about the surprise wedding though.
First of all it isnt possible to surprise someone with their own wedding , thank God !
Just because she is holding off for financial reasons doesn't mean she would welcome him begging everyone for a wedding on the cheap, I mean Jesus !
But the bottom line is no one wants a surprise wedding !!!!!!!!!

Perhaps you need to give him this both parties need to complete forms to book a wedding.

I don't think YANBU, but then I've been where you are.
Invite to child-free wedding due to unruly dc on grooms side (I was from bride side), had to decline due to childcare/travelling - it just was not going to happen. Bride kicked off due my "refusal" to leave dc with my mum - who was at that point run off her feet nursing my terminally ill father - not spoken to me since.
I was told afterwards, her sister took her dc regardless, they had to be removed from service. Irony being I know mine would've been fine.
Do hate it when people issue invitations with 'conditions' attached not glaring at birthday party invite stating fancy dress only and then get stroppy that you don't immediately comply.

'I didn't realise it was such a faux pas to ask favours from friends. Not that I do it really myself. I have a friend who's a hairdresser who has trimmed my hair a few times, but I pay her the same as I pay the non-friend mobile hairdresser who usually does it for me. He asked me if I'd make some picture frames and do the centre pieces for the tables as their wedding gift, and I'm happy to. I didn't find the request cheeky, I thought it was nice to help out (I used to make giftware as a sideline business, but closed it when I had DS as I no longer had the energy or inclination to bother with it).'

It's majorly cheeky because you're not asking a favour, you're playing on their sense of obligation and guilt by saying, 'Give this to us as a gift'. If they're professionals, he should be paying them. It's assuming a gift and then dictating what that should be. Cheeky as fuck! So you're going to be providing all this and then not even going to the wedding as it's childfree? Hey, CFers can't be CFers without some mark willing to enable them.

Yeah, you both have to go the registry office in person with ID and give notice. You can't just surprise someone.

There are regularly threads here in wedding season, started by frazzled part-time cake makers who are asked to 'make our cake as a wedding gift?' by people who have no idea how much it costs to buy ingredients for a big cake (£££s) or how much time it takes to bake and ice it (several evenings).

Giving skills can be a lovely present, if you're happy to do it to help stretch a tiny budget or friends marrying under pressure for one reason or another. It can also be a huge imposition and cause major fall-out if the gifted wedding stuff isn't up to the professional quality the B/G would have expected had they paid for it.

I honestly didn't find it cheeky. He asked politely if I would be willing, made it clear there was no pressure, but he'd be grateful if I could help out. He didn't ask for free, he asked for cost price, I offered free as it won't cost more in materials than I'd have spent on a gift for them, and choosing a wedding gift for people who are already living together with 2 children can be tricky.

I won't personally be going, but I'd still have sent a gift, and OH will be going, so there would definitely have been a gift sent, so it surely makes more sense to give something they need rather than guess at something that they likely wouldn't need so much, or to just send cash/vouchers.

The cake is being made by the MOB, and likely would have been anyway. She did their engagement cake, and has done all of the christening and birthday cakes for the children. It's not a traditional wedding cake, so we're not talking tiers and fancy piping. The cake they saw was actually a children's birthday cake, so not going to be as large, complicated or time consuming as what comes to mind when you think 'Wedding Cake'.

'There are regularly threads here in wedding season, started by frazzled part-time cake makers who are asked to 'make our cake as a wedding gift?'

Yep. Or do hair/makeup. Or photography/videography, etc. Then there was Gluezilla, who was a lot like this groom, wanted the OP to provide services when she, too, was not going to the wedding.

This guy threw his teddy out the pram when told you wouldn't be coming, he'd be the type to do the same when the 'free' services weren't up to his precious standard.

He sounds like a dick. Stupid, too, because there's really no place you can have a 'surprise' wedding since you have to always get a license for one. Or see a clergyperson, who as he/she is performing a sacrament, isn't going to be up to doing it as a surprise.

For the question raised in your op you are right! People are free to have child free/mid week/destination weddings as the want that's their choice! But if they are doing that they need to accept people will decline based on the fact it inconveniences them so you were right to be honest.

As for the rest you know your friend so maybe she will love the surprise but I think even if he did everything that she would have! Someone who talks about weddings and has brought a dress is, I think likely to be sad at not having planned her own day!

The asking for favours I think it's a bit cheeky for example if the person doing nails is doing 4 people's nails and her normal rate is £20 per person would she actually have spent that on a gift? Which is probably even more true to the more expensive things like photographer ectvHe is dictating what he thinks people should spend and I do think that's a bit cheeky!

"Anybody who thinks organising a surprise wedding is a good idea is a fucking twat of the highest order anyway so don't worry about it" yep!

Also he wants a favour from you and talks to you like that? Talk about shooting himself in the foot!

But then I suspect that's at the root of the tantrum - he's worried if you decline as a guest he can't press you into service!

Personally (and I know this is akin to an mn crime) I think child free weddings are ridiculous. Weddings are a family event and children are part of families, plus it adds to my feeling that the uk has a weird attitude to children. In most other countries children are seen as part of society which of course they are.

"So she is going to get a Wedding that she worries that they can afford, it won't be exactly what she wants and now some of her friends and possibly family won't be able to attend, but he's still going ahead with it?

Well that's going to end well." Yes it's like one of the worse episodes of don't tell the bride. He'll be lucky if she doesn't plain dump his arse!

And if that's how he reacts to someone declining to come for a pretty good reason how on earth is he going to react to those who decline because they just don't fancy it? Or don't want to be involved in a potential car crash due to the surprise element.

Part of the joy of a wedding for many women is IN the planning, choosing flowers and stationery etc.

Looking from pp that he can't legally surprise her anyway.

"So what actually happened is you said you couldn't attend the wedding because you are bf a two year old then. Puts a slightly different look on it op." Why? What's the problem with bf a 2 year old? It may be not what you chose to do but that's op's business.

"Having said that, I don't see that BFing - in itself - is a reason for staying away." That would be because this dick doesn't even want babes in arms there (who don't even cost anything!)

Major cheeky fuckery on the "service as a gift" as has been pointed out some of these services if he had to pay for them are worth hundreds even thousands of £, who gets wedding gifts of that value?!

When I started reading I thought you were going to ask if you were BU for telling him a surprise wedding was a bad idea! which would have been a YANBU from me. You were not being unreasonable at all child free weddings are not unreasonable from a cost perspective however they are a pain to many with children and if you have a child free wedding you have to be prepared for some people not to be able or willing to attend.

Really poor behaviour to ask you for a favour and also lose his shit at you for not doing what he wants.
People have child free weddings yes, but I didn't think that included very small breastfed babies. They don't take up a place or cost money.
Also think it's poor taste to ask everyone for favours. It means a number of friends will be working on the day, and it's likely the price of their service will be more than they would have given in a gift. Gifts are optional anyway, so he's making an assumption that these people were even giving gifts. He's a massive cf.

Whether or not children should be invited is the least of his worries.

Surprise weddings are an abomination. He needs telling.

If my DP did that to me I'd be incandescent with rage.

It sounds as if all the guests will either be working at the wedding or absent.