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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have told the truth?

110 replies

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:18

A friends of mine is planning a surprise wedding for his other half (they're engaged, but she's worried about finances, so she thinks they should wait, he's trying to put together something low budget but still what they wanted together as a surprise for her).
He asked me for my opinion on making it child free but for their own offspring. My opinion is that if you want a child free wedding, fine, so long as you don't get stroppy with the people who choose not to come on account of that fact. I said that I for example wouldn't attend, as I'm breastfeeding DS, and have another DC on the way, who will likely either be solo or tandem feeding by the time the wedding comes about. I said I'd still send a gift, and that DP would attend though, so I made it clear I wasn't throwing my toys out of the pram, simply that it's not possible for me to attend (I've never responded well to a pump so expressing isn't a practical option for me).
He's completely flown off the handle, and said I'm selfish, and expect my kid(s) to come before everyone else (if anything I go the other way and miss out on things so DS isn't causing a PITA to anyone. He's pretty much the centre of my world, but I don't expect him to be that to anyone else at all, why would he be?). I gave an honest answer to a question I was asked. Was I inadvertently rude? Should I not have said anything? Hormonal at the moment so I'm finding it hard to judge. Opinions please ladies?

OP posts:

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:51

oh and the photographer and videographer are friends too.

OP posts:

Ellie56 · 15/02/2018 09:52

You pointed out the reality of what could happen in the event of a child free wedding, which was perfectly reasonable, and clearly something he hadn't thought of.

He needs to get a grip and understand their wedding is not the be all and end all to everyone else, and parents' first responsibility is to their children.

19lottie82 · 15/02/2018 09:56

As already pointed out by wendyWE, both parties have to register your intent to marry, or whatever it’s called, at least x days before the wedding. A surprise on the day, or even a few days before wouldn’t be possible.

HeyRoly · 15/02/2018 09:57

I've had to decline two family weddings recently because they're adults only. My children are six and two, so not babes in arms, but we don't have anyone who could babysit (my parents will be attending which rules them out!) and the wedding's required overnight stays, so it was just not possible. I'm sure some people might have thought I was being precious or should have found someone else to babysit, but there's no way that would work.

ThePinkOcelot · 15/02/2018 09:58

I didn’t think you could organise surprise weddings these days?
When we were getting married 10 years ago, I said something to the registrar over the phone (can’t remember exactly what I said now) and she misunderstood what I’d said, because she said, well does he know , because we don’t do surprise weddings.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/02/2018 10:00

I hope your confidence in her loving this surprise wedding is well founded. I’d be furious.

As for his tanty, I’d tell him to pull his head in, he asked for your opinion. Rude twat.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 10:02

I had no clue about registering intent to marry, I wonder if he doesn't. I'll mention it. That may scupper the whole thing.

OP posts:

FlyMaybe · 15/02/2018 10:08

His beloved wants to wait but he's going to have a wedding anyway. He's had a strop at the OP because her breastfeeding means she can't fall in with his plans.

Hark! Is that alarm bells I hear ringing? He sounds like an immature controlling arse.

I won't mention my thoughts on cheapskates people who ask friends to donate their professional services for free/mates rates.

Good luck to your friend. It sounds like she will need it.

BoobleMcB · 15/02/2018 10:08

I don't see the problem with putting your child before anyone else tbf?! Surely that's the norm is it not?

Def NBU OP

FizzyGreenWater · 15/02/2018 10:16

OMG.

No, I don't think she'll love it at all. If she does, then she is honestly a very unusual type of person.

Anyone even vaguely interested in the idea of their own wedding (and she is - she has her dress, she has taken interest in and planned venues, flowers, every aspect has clearly at some point been discussed by her as he knows what she wants) - anyone who is wedding-positive as opposed to wedding-negative (for want of a better phrase) - they will want to plan it too. They will want to get to actually choose stuff. To decide on little things. It's a huge basic part of it, it's 'the fun'. Mentally having it in your head that THAT month is the date your wedding will be, so you have a little countdown. It's SUCH a big event. To have it sprung on you - um, even if it's exactly what you would have chosen, it's a rare person that wouldn't feel very odd about that at best.

OP, if he is thinking of telling her about it with less than at least a week to go FGS talk him out of it. Would she want to be the type to grow out a hairstyle/go on a diet before her wedding, for example? Jesus there is so much that could backfire here

FizzyGreenWater · 15/02/2018 10:16

Oh and yes the whole thing, plus his reaction to you, screams controlling diva. Eeeek.

OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 10:21

So he got upset because you put your children first? That is the point of having children you know. YANBU at all. He's just a boy bonkers by the looks of it.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 10:22

Perhaps my view is skewed because I'm not a weddingy person. The thought of somebody taking a massive organisational job off my hands appeals to me. I've just messaged him about the registration thing (I pretended I'd been mentioning some of his plans with DM, we've been friends since school age, so we're friendly with each others' families to a point as well). I hope that doesn't go down like a cup of cold sick, but it may mean he has to tell her, so she'll be planning it herself in any case

OP posts:

RabbityMcRabbit · 15/02/2018 10:26

As PP said, unless you've done the registering then in the UK I don't think you can have a surprise wedding. When we got married 2 years ago (in a church) when we went to register our intent to marry we had to be interviewed in separate rooms. Same with my friend and her DH. We are all UK citizens so think this is the norm now so a surprise wedding might not even be on the cards for your friend x

Agerbilatemycardigan · 15/02/2018 10:26

I might be completely wrong, but the way I see it, is that he wasn't at all interested in your input, he just expected you to boost his ego by telling him what an amazing guy he is for organising the wedding.

When you didn't practically faint with amazement at his awesomeness, he chucked his toys out of the pram.

ChocFudgeLover · 15/02/2018 10:28

Yanbu in what you say at all. Lots of people will be unable to attend if they can't bring kids, for various reasons.

I do think its odd to say you can't attend due to feeding your ds though. If at the time of the wedding he will have a younger sibling he can presumably manage a few hours without a feed from you. Unless there's a huge drip feed about why he can't go a few hours without a breast feed at approx 10mths old. So maybe he heard that, was and didn't listen to the rest.

Surely you'd just say I'll be bf our new baby so can't attend

Redpony1 · 15/02/2018 10:29

Surely you only go for a child free wedding if you don't have kids?

Not at all. It's about the costs too, not just about people not wanting children at the wedding. I've been to plenty where the bride/grooms children & nieces/nephews have been there, but no other children. I'm fine with that, weddings are expensive.

FinallyHere · 15/02/2018 10:30

so she'll be planning it herself in any case

Or she may just revert to her previous position of delaying the event until she is ready/sure/whatever.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 10:32

He's almost 2, and still feeds regularly, so I've only left him once with his Dad while I nipped to the hospital to visit my Nana. If she wasn't terminal, I wouldn't have left him then either to be honest. I don't plan to leave him with anyone until he's finished breastfeeding. And for a wedding it wouldn't just be a few hours, it would be a full day (there's travel involved, and we don't drive so public transport will make it about two hours each way). With travel, even just attending the ceremony would take me away for far longer that I feel comfortable with for the first time I'd be leaving him.

OP posts:

Aridane · 15/02/2018 10:44

Not unreasonable - but you do come across a tad strident

derxa · 15/02/2018 10:47

It's all about you OP, isn't it.

Original poster

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 10:48

I'm sorry it comes across that way Aridane and Derxa

OP posts:

ChocFudgeLover · 15/02/2018 10:51

So what actually happened is you said you couldn't attend the wedding because you are bf a two year old then. Puts a slightly different look on it op.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 10:55

'He's just been much more forward about asking for discounts and favours than she would ever have been. For example, by asking friends to offer services in place of a gift, he's got the hair, nails and make up for the bridal party and the two mothers, the centre pieces, the table favours, the cake and the band for absolutely nothing. He's got the flowers (for the bridal party and the venue) at cost price. The wedding itself and the after do are all at the same place, so only one room to decorate. The venue have cut him a good deal; they visit there a lot, and it's actually where he proposed, so they're bending over backwards.'

That's because he's a CF! And then he had the nerve to have a go at you for not kowtowing to his precious machinations and people (and you) are applauding him? Dear god, cannot believe he is being admired in any way. He's an asshole. If he were a women, everyone would be calling her a bridezilla, an entitled cow, all sorts.

Have kids already, want to get married but can't afford the do of your dreams? Trot off to the Registry Office or church with your nearest and dearest and have done with it. Don't CF guilt trip your friends and other people into giving you shit for free because you're just a sweet ickle man.

He's an idiot, too. You can't have a surprise wedding in the UK because you have to register your intentions with it at the registry office at least 14-10 days in advance and/or good luck finding any religious officiant willing to do it as a 'surprise', so it won't even be a real wedding, just some show off 'Look at me, I organised a part-tee all by myself! Give us money!' affair. Who goes to the trouble of doing all this and doesn't explore basic UK law regarding legal marriage?

He called you selfish? I'd have told him to sling his hook.

Wouldn't bother telling him you can't have a surprise wedding here, because I wouldn't be speaking to him right now.

He's a twonk.

Oswin · 15/02/2018 10:55

Derxa how is it all about op. He asked and she answered.

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