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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told the truth?

110 replies

PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 09:18

A friends of mine is planning a surprise wedding for his other half (they're engaged, but she's worried about finances, so she thinks they should wait, he's trying to put together something low budget but still what they wanted together as a surprise for her).
He asked me for my opinion on making it child free but for their own offspring. My opinion is that if you want a child free wedding, fine, so long as you don't get stroppy with the people who choose not to come on account of that fact. I said that I for example wouldn't attend, as I'm breastfeeding DS, and have another DC on the way, who will likely either be solo or tandem feeding by the time the wedding comes about. I said I'd still send a gift, and that DP would attend though, so I made it clear I wasn't throwing my toys out of the pram, simply that it's not possible for me to attend (I've never responded well to a pump so expressing isn't a practical option for me).
He's completely flown off the handle, and said I'm selfish, and expect my kid(s) to come before everyone else (if anything I go the other way and miss out on things so DS isn't causing a PITA to anyone. He's pretty much the centre of my world, but I don't expect him to be that to anyone else at all, why would he be?). I gave an honest answer to a question I was asked. Was I inadvertently rude? Should I not have said anything? Hormonal at the moment so I'm finding it hard to judge. Opinions please ladies?

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 15/02/2018 11:55

A surprise wedding? Christ, he sounds like a twat of the highest order.

He was totally U to reply the way the did. I feel sorry for his fiancee.

Willow2017 · 15/02/2018 12:13

Rtft people.
Op will be bf a 2 week old baby which isnt invited to the wedding along with her 2yr old.

She isnt being 'strident' or 'making it all about her' who the hell leaves a 2 week old baby who is fed on demand to go to a wedding for the day?

He us having a tantrum cos his 'perfect plans' aren't as petfect as he tjought

Willow2017 · 15/02/2018 12:15

Bloody phone!
'Thought'.

He is pretty much relying on all his friends to make the wedding great and you have burst his bubble.

MrsHathaway · 15/02/2018 12:31

We had an archbishop's licence to get married which didn't require any banns or notice or anything. The affidavit is sworn by only one of the parties and for now-DH did all the paperwork on his own, so we could have had a surprise wedding. I mean, I hate surprises and surprise parties in particular, but YSWIM.

Re: favours, I think there's a huge difference between accepting an offered favour, and asking EVERYBODY YOU KNOW for favours.

I agree with pps that this groom sounds like a bit of a dick.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 12:39

'We had an archbishop's licence to get married which didn't require any banns or notice or anything. The affidavit is sworn by only one of the parties and for now-DH did all the paperwork on his own, so we could have had a surprise wedding. I mean, I hate surprises and surprise parties in particular, but YSWIM.'

I seriously doubt a cleric is going to agree to perform a sacrament in church as a surprise to one of the parties. As it is, the OP says it's a venue, so it will be a civil wedding. If he's planning a humanist ceremony it's not a legal marriage.

MrsHathaway · 15/02/2018 12:43

Well yes, I agree that in practice the chaplain would have wanted to see us both before signing off on the paperwork.

But it is also possible that if he knew us and knew we were happily engaged and there was some compelling reason I thought a wedding was impossible, now-DH could have persuaded him that it would be super romantic ...

It isn't the licence that marries you, after all, but the vows and signing the register.

And it's an aside really as this particular couple is probably not getting married at a "venue" and not the kind of church/chapel an archbishop's licence would cover anyway. I just wanted to point out that there is this anachronistic anomaly!

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 12:49

Next question ladies. What would you do in my position, would you backtrack and say that you actually don't think it's that good of an idea (assuming that the licence thing doesn't kill it off anyway)? Or would you let it lie given that he's already paid for deposits on things.
I wouldn't feel comfortable telling his fiancée. She wasn't too happy about my relationship with my friend until she got to know me and realised it was literally just a friendship. I still worry about how tense things were at first, and I wouldn't want to cause any awkwardness between them in case my intentions were misunderstood. I should add we get along fine, socialise with our kids and have a friendship outside of the two couples relationship that it started as (I met OH at the baby shower for their first child, so we both knew both of them independently before we got together).

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 12:53

'would you backtrack and say that you actually don't think it's that good of an idea (assuming that the licence thing doesn't kill it off anyway)? Or would you let it lie given that he's already paid for deposits on things.'

I'd cut them a wide berth is what I'd do. You sent him the link for the license thing. He's a dumb ass and a dick. Actually, both of them are - a mixed-sex 'baby shower' for their first? Wank! Probably the type that threw it themselves and had another one for their other sprogs. He's a CF who roped you into this favour and then spoke to you the way he did?! WTAF? You need new, better friends.

QueenDaisy · 15/02/2018 12:58

I’d take a step back now, leave him to it, he’s an idiot.

Graphista · 15/02/2018 12:59

You need new, better friends.

Definitely

MrsHathaway · 15/02/2018 13:00

I agree: it's not for you to tell her. She needs a kind sister or mother or someone to quietly broach the subject, and you are too far removed.

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 13:00

I should clarify that it wasn't a mixed sex baby shower. She has a traditional shower, we basically went to the pub and gave him baby gifts. I don't know who threw hers, we'd not met at that point. They had only been together a few months when she fell pregnant, and I don't socialise with this friend more than a couple of times a year as we don't live nearby. We mainly see each other for the kids' birthdays and at Christmas.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 13:06

You need newer, better friends. He's a CF and an idiot. She doesn't sound too great, either. Just say nothing. If it still goes ahead, tell him you're unable to do the centre pieces/favours because as he's got form to having a go at you, and you for allowing it, I can guarantee he'll find fault with your gift. Bet if it goes ahead it'll be a non-legal wedding so basically a big party.

Liskee · 15/02/2018 13:07

Christ no. Keep out of it. Say nothing more than you already have and let him find the rest out for himself.

Don't let anyone annoy you with their judgements about your parenting choices or decisions to attend or not attend weddings.

And for what it's worth - your original question about being rude? Even if you were rude with your reply (which I don't think you were) he was fucking rude back, so you're quits.

RavenclawRealist · 15/02/2018 13:12

So you were originally friends with the DH the became friends with the DW? She had concerns about your friendship at the start? I'm sure you are just who she wants helping her dh organising the surprise wedding!

And just to wrap it up in a WTF bow, you see him twice a year and he felt ok asking you to provide table decorations at his wedding? And kicking off at you for saying you couldnt attend without DC! He is an arse! This thing has disaster written all over it in big red writing!!

Withdraw stay out of the planning don't engage with any talk and yeah look for some new friends!

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 13:12

I shall leave it lie. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 15/02/2018 13:18

RavenclawRealist We get along fine, we socialise more at the moment because she's on maternity leave with her 2nd so she's home more. I'm not helping organise it, he's using me, his other friends, and her friends as a sounding board for ideas. I'm certainly not a threat to their relationship, nor does she see me ass one. We both discuss our relationship issues as and when they arise, as I do with my other friends. She wouldn't choose to socialise with me independent of him, or discuss thee ins and outs of their relationship with me if she saw me as a threat. We socialise about about 5 or 6 times a year between Christmas and our kid's birthdays, not 2. We've been friends since we were 11, we just have lives to lead and don't feel the need to live in each other's pockets.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 15/02/2018 13:27

It's a mad idea springing a surprise wedding on somebody. Anything else is really irrelevant. Because it's what the two people getting married need to talk about. Not one person planning a surprise and guessing what the other one wants.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/02/2018 13:29

I think your best option is to leave him to it, now. You've said your bit ( and what you said to him was perfectly reasonable) but he needs to sort it all out for himself. Getting involved further increases the risk that you will somehow get the blame for anything that goes wrong.

Knittedfairies · 15/02/2018 13:33

OP I think you're damned if you tell her, and damned if you don't. This isn’t going to turn out well...

To go back to your initial question, I think you were right to tell him you couldn’t attend, and why.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 13:37

'I'm not helping organise it, he's using me, his other friends, and her friends as a sounding board for ideas. '

Yeah, he's good at using. Can't believe he flew off the handle at you, but still expects you to make centre pieces to his specification. Fuck that.

RavenclawRealist · 15/02/2018 13:51

Fair enough I misunderstood the comment She wasn't too happy about my relationship with my friend and it was you that said and I don't socialise with this friend more than a couple of times a year as we don't live nearby. I was just trying to make a point about his cheek but obviously things are different to i first understood, sorry about that!

However In my opinion Everyone he is 'using as a sounding board' is helping planning the wedding as their thoughts and opinions are influencing this day! That's my take on it!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/02/2018 13:52

If he's generally a good friend and not prone to flying off the handle over little things, and you would say his reaction is out of character for him, then it might have been a stress-induced response.

Organising a wedding is hard work, especially at short notice! (I did mine in 7 weeks flat) and if he's doing it in secret so that she doesn't suspect, that will add to the stress. Especially if he's also trying to keep the cost down, a not-inconsiderable task when you stick the word "wedding" onto anything!

So he may have just had a tanty pretty much out of stress of you saying that a reasonable percentage of the guests, including you, his good friend, may refuse the invitation if they decide to have a child-free wedding. Sounds like he'd already decided to make it a child-free wedding (apart from their own), possibly as a cost-reducer, and you shattered that option with your response, causing him to have his tantrum.

OR, he's a wanker.

But only you know that.

I did have a "child-free" wedding, also to keep highly disruptive and unchecked relatives' sprogs away - but allowed breastfed infants there because who wouldn't? The relative with the disruptive sprogs was somewhat pissed off that there were "other children there" but I didn't feel the need to justify my choice to them, other than to say the "other children" were non-mobile infants who couldn't be left elsewhere.

I think now that you've sent him the link to the need for the licence (and who knew you could still get a "special licence" - my Georgette Heyer-loving soul got a bit excited about that! Grin) prior to the event, that you should leave him to it now. I don't think you should rat him out to his other half, even though she is your friend too now - I expect he'll have to tell her himself.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/02/2018 13:52

I really don't like the fact that events are more and more being arranged as child free.

It's like the old saying seen and not heard, now they aren't to be seen either. Keep them in a cupboard or something.

Off topic I realise.

Anymajordude · 15/02/2018 13:53

Fuck me! They've actually got kids and he still doesn't get it that some parents might not attend a child free wedding. Two weeks after birth I could still barely walk and would be in tears every breast feed and had had zero sleep. Not really up for a wedding under those circumstances and if I'd had to do any crafting favours they'd be distinctly sub standard.