Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh can't attend 20 week scan

125 replies

Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:17

Today is my 20 week scan. I asked dh if he can come and he said he has deadlines at work to meet and can't make it. I am very disappointed he can't come. I don't know if I aibu to feel that way.

OP posts:
Ummmmgogo · 14/02/2018 11:19

yanbu at all he is taking liberties what could be more important than his child??

HotCrossBunFight · 14/02/2018 11:19

I'd be disappointed. They advise you to not go.to these scans alone because of the very low risk something might be wrong. Have you explained that to DH? Do you have someone else who can come with You?

scurryfunge · 14/02/2018 11:19

If he is usually supportive and excited about the pregnancy then I wouldn’t see it as a massive issue.

RitaMills · 14/02/2018 11:21

My DP didn’t come to mine because of work, I brought my mum and auntie along with me for company. If I had to go all by myself I probably would’ve felt a bit dissapointed. Do you have someone else to take along with you?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 14/02/2018 11:23

yanbu at all he is taking liberties what could be more important than his child??

Oh dont be so ridiculous! Him not being there will not damage the child in any way!! If he goes it’s to support the OP. Whilst that would be great and much apprecitated it isn’t always possible and work is kind of vital to sustaining them as a family. You know, rent, food etc.

scrivette · 14/02/2018 11:24

DH didn't come to my first two scans (early scan and 12 week scan) as he was looking after our other children.
Is there anyone else who can go along with you?

Finola1step · 14/02/2018 11:24

Context is really important here. If he is usually very interested in the pregnancy and the deadlines are significant, then disappointing but nothing to cause concern.

If you think he is exaggerating the deadlines because he can't be bothered to go to the scan...well that is a very different scenario.

MissMooMoo · 14/02/2018 11:24

Is he not coming because his employer has said no to time off? Fathers have the right to unpaid time off to attend 2 appointments during the pregnancy.

Omgsohardtofindanewname · 14/02/2018 11:25

How much notice did you give him?
Does he realise it's important to you?

Situp · 14/02/2018 11:25

DH didn't come to any scans for this baby. I didn't even get a print of the scan for him as they all look the same to us Grin

Obviously if you wanted moral support that is different but I think it is sometimes hard for my DH to be really invested in the baby until it is here. Now she is born he is great with her.

Chienrouge · 14/02/2018 11:27

Did you ask him in advance, or did you only ask today?

outputgap · 14/02/2018 11:27

I've had concerns flagged at a 20 week scan so for that reason I'd say it's good to have someone along for company.

MagicFajita · 14/02/2018 11:27

I hope you have a friend/relative that can come and support you op.

As pps have said , we really need context to know if yabu with regards to your partner.

Lennythelion14 · 14/02/2018 11:29

Very reasonable. Can't someone else go with you? 1 of my pregnancies i went alone bar the toddler and the other i went to totally alone,due to husbands work. Your husband loses his job and your screwed at a time of heavy financial pressure. A lot of women go alone or take a friend or relative.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 14/02/2018 11:29

YANBU to be disappointed, although I guess only he knows how crucial the work issue really is. I do think it can be easy to push to the back of one's mind the fact that sometimes scans reveal issues that can be stressful or upsetting.

DH was unable to come to the 20 week scan for DC1, which did reveal some issues of concern, and it was very worrying for me to be alone in the room while the sonographer scurried off to find the consultant, who then informed me of suspected problems. If he really cannot come (and that may be the case) I agree that it's worth taking someone else for support.

GreenTulips · 14/02/2018 11:30

I took my nan - theyddisnt have scans in 'those' days - she was fascinated

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 14/02/2018 11:31

sorry, on reflection that's probably a needlessly anxiety-provoking post. And I should add that DC1 was fine in the end. But YANBU to want to be supported.

LagunaBubbles · 14/02/2018 11:32

It's not unreasonable to be disappointed, just take someone else. My DH couldn't come to one of mine because of work commitments, it's not easy but it really doesn't matter overall if everything else is ok.

Sarsparella · 14/02/2018 11:33

If he’s been to everything else and is generally suppprtive I don’t think it’s the end of the world.

If it’s highlighting a wider issue that he’s not really that bothered or prioritising the pregnancy & planning for the baby yes of course that’s a problem.

Impossible to say which it is without more details!

HollyBayTree · 14/02/2018 11:35

Priorities will always be a roof over your head and the mortgage/rent paid.

DenPerry · 14/02/2018 11:36

I agree that it depends on context.. DP was very much involved in my pregnancies but I had most appointments on my own, it's fine. And the people saying "just take someone else", many people don't have anyone else who could go.

InsomniacAnonymous · 14/02/2018 11:37

My husband didn't come to any of my scans, I didn't expect him to. He had to work and it would have meant taking the whole day off as he had a long commute. I went on my own.

PinkHeart5914 · 14/02/2018 11:38

Depends on his job and how important this deadline is he might not simply be able to come, yes it’s a bit sad but presumably his job and this deadline at least help pay the bills and as long as he has been supportive with the pregnancy in other ways, it’s ok.

I’m sure you can find someone to go with you if you like one of your parents, a friend, grandma ?

Gatehouse77 · 14/02/2018 11:38

I'd be disappointed but only pissed off if I thought he was actively avoiding it.

Life gets in the way of living sometimes.

Original poster
Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:40

Thanks all. All other scans have been fine so far, so hoping this one will be too. I don't have anyone else to ask to come with me :( The dgps have our other 3 dc out for the day, so I can go to the appointment. This dc wasn't planned and dh wasnt happy when told him the news. I hope he will show some interest when the baby arrives. I would just like him to be there today. He only works 10 minutes from the hospital.

OP posts: