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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh can't attend 20 week scan

125 replies

Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:17

Today is my 20 week scan. I asked dh if he can come and he said he has deadlines at work to meet and can't make it. I am very disappointed he can't come. I don't know if I aibu to feel that way.

OP posts:
Baffy · 14/02/2018 13:08

The 20 week scan is important though - it was a life changing day for me.

Not so for most people. But it is important!

Dungeondragon15 · 14/02/2018 13:09

Many. Not all. You can’t just decide he is a knob because he can’t get off work. He may have a certain level of autonomy. He may also be clued in enough to be able to see which deadlines can be pushed back and which can’t.

When I say autonomy I don't mean that he will necessarily be able to push back deadlines. I meant that he may be able to organise his work e.g. by working evenings/weekends so that he completes deadlines but still can attend an appointment. I didn't say that it applies to all jobs but the fact that he didn't suggest his employer wouldn't let him have time off suggests he has the autonomy to organise his work schedule as long as he meets deadlines.

cestlavielife · 14/02/2018 13:16

If there are any issues then there will most likely be a further scan booked e.g. at foetal medical unit or 4d so you can make sure he goes to that one.

If there are no issues and all is well then look at the bigger picture.

PatriciaBateman · 14/02/2018 13:23

My DH couldn't attend the planned c-section of our youngest.

I was disappointed, and he could have planned things better to have avoided the situation as it happened, but it happened.

I didn't want the arrival of our baby marred by resentment over the whole issue, and after tugging with myself mentally, realised it really didn't have to be a big deal, and just... let it go.

In a wider context of disengagement or lack of support, then I wouldn't just let it go. But equally, in the context of a generally happy/supportive relationship sometimes it's fine to.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 14/02/2018 13:25

I understand your disappointed but it isn't the end of the world.

His attitude to the pregnancy as a whole is more concerning to be honest. You say he wasn't happy when you found out you were pregnant, what is your marriage like in general?

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 13:30

If this was just about the scan ywbu. But its not is it Flowers

I had DH at every blood test and booking appointment and class with no1 and would have thrown a fit if he missed one.

But for subsequent pregnancies I just saw the appointments as a chore to get done and didnt expect DH to come BUT he was otherwise supportive so its not the same x

user1494409994 · 14/02/2018 13:32

Mine didn't come either. I didn't need him there it wasn't him they were scanning. Yes you can be disappointed but get a grip, there will be loads of other events he will miss over the course of the next 18 years. It's simply not practical to be able to attend each and every event in your child's life.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 14/02/2018 13:35

Mine couldn’t make any of my scans. He works abroad and is self employed. He’s a fantastic dad and dh.

I took my mum and she loved being part of it.

Not everyone is lucky enough to work in the public sector and get time off at the drop of s hat Wink

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 13:35

It's simply not practical to be able to attend each and every event in your child's life.

He hasnt been to any of the other appointments either. This is the last scan. And the OP says he hasnt even talked about thr baby much so its not really a matter of him not being able to make it this one time!

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 13:39

Not everyone is lucky enough to work in the public sector and get time off at the drop of s hat

Surely you see theres a difference between not being ABLE to come, and not even asking when you work 10 mins from the apt.

This thread is a bit of a compeditive "who gave least of a shit about scans" thing. I gave no shits about my non first pregnancy appointments BUT I had a supportive partner behind the scenes so I dont win the thread Hmm

fourquenelles · 14/02/2018 13:41

I am sorry OP but it sounds more like he won't come to the scan rather than he can't. You do need to talk.

That aside, I hope all goes well today.

Steeley113 · 14/02/2018 13:49

Wouldn’t bother me at all, sometimes Work does come first. I’ve been to most of my appointments alone this time around (3rd baby) bar my 20 week. That’s only because he was off anyway as he had a dental appointment afterwards... They’re medical appointments, we paid for 2 private scans he attended so we could enjoy them!

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 13:52

Put it this way. If I was 10 mins from DHs work for any reason he would time his breaks to pop out and say hello. Likewise, even if Im swamped at work I still gotta eat! So if dh was going to be near my work I would say hi while scarfing a sandwich before running back.

It does sound like hes actively avoiding it rather than not being free

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 14/02/2018 13:57

pancake

Yes see that and of course if he can he should want to. My only issue are those posters saying all men can snd should. Not always possible.

I was tongue in cheek about the public sector although after working in a school I was suprised a teacher with 4 children still needed to attend parent craft classes so her class was left to the TA but hey there you go.

Chewbecca · 14/02/2018 14:08

YANBU to be disappointed.

Sometimes, not that often, in my work, deadlines would make it impossible to leave for an appointment. If this is the case, it is simply most unfortunate, you are disappointed but it really can't be helped & will move on.

If his non attendance is symptomatic of other issues, they are the ones to tackle, not the immovable work deadline.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/02/2018 14:17

It may be that he is feeling the financial pressure to the point where he doesn't want to do anything to rock the boat in work.

You and he need to have a proper chat about things to understand what is going on. On the one hand he cannot pretend he has nothing to do with the pregnancy, you wouldn't be pregnant without his involvement; on the other hand you might need to think about the pressure he might be feeling to support the family (he might not like the fact that you are relying on your parents financial support to some extent).

Gazelda · 14/02/2018 14:25

I'd be disappointed too. But I think you and he really need to talk. It sounds as though you are having the emotional burden and excitement associated with this pregnancy, while he is enduring the financial worry. Both are hard to carry alone and you seem to be going through this pregnancy independently.

He is as much responsible for the pregnancy as you are. And should be as concerned for his unborn child's welfare. But it sounds as though things are tough financially and he doesn't feel as able to sweep that to one side as you are.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/02/2018 14:38

Assuming he’s not self employed he’s entitled to paid time off to attend two appointments with you.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/02/2018 15:55

Interesting that fathers are now allowed time off for two maternity appointments. I am sure that some women will still argue that poor men can't possibly be expected to take time off work even though it is their legal entitlement if employees and is far less time than women take off for antenatal appointments and maternity leave...

LifeBeginsAtGin · 14/02/2018 16:01

Dungeondragon15

Sigh. Perhaps some men prefer to keep their 'two appointments' for later in the pregnancy.

If the woman has someone else to go with her then does it matter? You are not privy to every relationship and about who and why an individual attends. Stop trying to make this into a feminist argument.

coffeeforone · 14/02/2018 16:09

YANBU to be disappointed. If I were in your situation, and he genuinely couldn't make it because of exceptional work circumstances, I would try to rearrange the scan. I changed my 20 week scan as my DH couldn't make the original date for work reasons - I did have more notice though.

Frazzled2207 · 14/02/2018 16:16

In these circumstances I'd be annoyed. I'm sure there are some work circumstances where a partner definitely can't come.
But this doesn't sound like one of those.
It was definitely a bit annoying for my dp to make the time but he did, just said he had to go (which was not questioned at all) and worked a bit later that eve. I actually had another scan at 22w just because they couldn't check everything at 20weeks (awkward position) and I was happy to go to that alone because it was almost clear that everything was fine the previous time.

HidingFromTheWorld · 14/02/2018 16:39

My DH couldn’t attend my 32 week scan (which was booked following a severe kidney infection resulting in hospital admission). He simply couldn’t get the time off at short notice but promised to try his best to be nearby just in case (he’s a police officer). He’d attended the other scans and all had been well.

At this particular scan, I attended alone and was told I was small for dates and baby’s heart was enlarged. I was in quite a state about it all and he ended up being dropped off by a colleague so he could drive me home.

Baby was born bang on time, 8lbs and normal sized heart. She turns 16 tomorrow.

I’d be annoyed OP, but I hope all goes well with your scan and wish you luck for the future.

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 18:15

I am sure that some women will still argue that poor men can't possibly be expected to take time off work even though it is their legal entitlement if employees

Thats cool until you try to claim it.
When Dh needed to take a carers leave day for DCs he was asked "why cant your wife do it?" His employer was totally unaware that carers leave allowance was split equally between two patents as no father they employ had ever asked to claim it before.

Thats nothing to do with whats going on with the op though

Dungeondragon15 · 14/02/2018 18:27

When Dh needed to take a carers leave day for DCs he was asked "why cant your wife do it?" His employer was totally unaware that carers leave allowance was split equally between two patents as no father they employ had ever asked to claim it before.

So, even if men are entitled to antenatal appointment or maternity leave they don't take it because other men aren't taking it. Until society treats men and women equally in this respect (as much as possible) nothing will ever change and the gender pay gap will continue.