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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh can't attend 20 week scan

125 replies

Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:17

Today is my 20 week scan. I asked dh if he can come and he said he has deadlines at work to meet and can't make it. I am very disappointed he can't come. I don't know if I aibu to feel that way.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 14/02/2018 12:01

Do some posters realise that not all jobs are possible go just sack off for the afternoon and “catch up later”?

It is possible for many professional jobs though. The fact that he didn't say his employers wouldn't let him have time off and just said that the problem was busy with deadlines suggests that he has some level of autonomy.

bridgetreilly · 14/02/2018 12:01

The thing with hospitals is it might well not be an hour. You could be waiting all afternoon.

It does sound as though it's part of his general attitude to this pregnancy that he didn't want, though. You can't change his mind about this, but I think it's okay to say you were disappointed he wasn't there and you would have liked his support in case there were any problems. At some point he has to get over himself because there will be an actual baby in the house and you need to make it clear that at that point his support is non-negotiable.

TroubleinDaFamily · 14/02/2018 12:01

I am normally quite laid back about stuff like this, but the twenty week scan is important, ask for two copies of the scan, pop one in an envelope and drop it off at his workplace on your way home. #viper

Say as he couldn't get the time off, I would like him to have it hot off the press. ## double viper.

Theromanempire · 14/02/2018 12:02

Am curious as to why you cannot find out the sex of the baby and then tell him tonight/phone him once you know? Why would he have to wait until the baby is born if you are finding out today?

It does sound like he has disengaged from this baby - presumably due to it being unplanned and him being unhappy about it - so I suspect the deadlines are just an excuse.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 14/02/2018 12:05

It is possible for many professional jobs though.

Many. Not all. You can’t just decide he is a knob because he can’t get off work. He may have a certain level of autonomy. He may also be clued in enough to be able to see which deadlines can be pushed back and which can’t.

NapQueen · 14/02/2018 12:08

Why would you withold the sex info OP? Either you want to know, in which case share it with him,or you dont want to know, in which case he wouldnt have found out anyways.

londonrach · 14/02/2018 12:10

Yabu re him as work more important. Dh couldnt make one scan and almost didnt make 20 wk one as he was. Only told he could have the time off day before despite asking weeks before. Yanbu to be disappointed

Thelampshadelady · 14/02/2018 12:11

Dh couldn’t come to ours. Dmum came instead and was great support when things didn’t go as we’d hoped.

jaseyraex · 14/02/2018 12:11

His employer probably would allow an hour to attend but it is very likely that it will take longer than that. I was 3 hours for a midwife appointment the other day, they were severely under staffed. I think the issue is that you feel DH is unhappy about the baby, in which case of course you have every right to be disappointed or upset that he's seemingly making little effort to be there for you. It needs to be sorted before baby comes along.

Original poster
Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 12:12

I can tell him the sex of the baby. I would have liked to him to be there at the scan to hear it when I do.

He hasn't talked much about this dc since I told him. My Mil and SIL have been more excited than him. I think he just worries it's another mouth to feed :(

OP posts:
LittleLostLion · 14/02/2018 12:12

You say in your most recent post his employer didn’t allow him an hour to attend?

Chienrouge · 14/02/2018 12:14

I can tell him the sex of the baby. I would have liked to him to be there at the scan to hear it when I do

Previously you said he wouldn’t be able to find out until the birth? Were you planning to withhold the info?

I think you have a bigger problem that him not attending he scan if he’s not interested in the baby at all.

JaneEyre70 · 14/02/2018 12:16

My DH is self employed and there is never a "good" time to be away from it all for even an hour but he did come to every anomaly scan with me. I'd be really upset too OP, and understand completely how you're feeling. Can you rope a friend in at short notice to go with you?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 14/02/2018 12:18

I think he just worries it's another mouth to feed sad

Are you struggling financially? This could be why he is avoiding being absent from work.

Maryann1975 · 14/02/2018 12:28

My dh missed the majority of scans for our dc. He was in the military and there 2as absolutely no one to cover for him. It would have been great for him to be there, it just wasn’t possible. My friends rallied round and helped out with the old dc and came with me (so needing two friends help per scan). I had bad news at one of these scans and the military penalised him for needing to leave his course on the other side of the country to come back to us.
I’ve also never heard that a dad is entitled to come to two appointments per pregnancy as quoted up thread. How would/do they police that? (In that some high risk pgs there are a lot of apps that would be really important for the dad to be there, rather than just nice for him to be there in a low risk pg).

Original poster
Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 12:31

We are OK financially, not rich by any means and it will mean cutting back in other areas to support this dc as well, which I am fully prepared to do.

Thankfully my parents are a huge support financially and emotionally, which has really been vital in feeling positive about this pg.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 14/02/2018 12:32

drip feed....

the horse has bolted so he's going to be a dad of four. Sounds like there's some talking to do if he has financial worries - they are your worries too.

hope the baby is ok and all works out. And that somebody gets snipped.

Baffy · 14/02/2018 12:32

Sounds like there's more to this than just the scan tbh.

After 2 perfectly healthy pregnancies, with my 3rd I found out some completely devastating news at the 20 week scan. All indications had been fine until that point.

Not suggesting for a second that there will be anything wrong today, but on the tiny chance that there might be could you have one last try to get him to meet you there? Perhaps also with the suggestion that if all is well, you sit down later and have a really good talk about the issues and how you both really feel about this baby - plus how you are going to make it work together Flowers

LRL2017 · 14/02/2018 12:33

Mine had an exam at work. I was disappointed but my mum came with me which was lovely for her. She then went out of room while I found out what we were having so my husband would find out first.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 14/02/2018 12:35

It sounds like he is not interested in this child.

What was your relationship like before you fell pregnant? were you deliberately lax about contraception?

Are there financial worries or his job in doubt that is on his mind?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 14/02/2018 12:36

TBH if you’re having to be hugely financially supported by your parents I wouldn’t say you aren’t doing ok and having a 4th child would be hard to get excited about. I’m just being honest.

myrtleWilson · 14/02/2018 12:38

But if your parents are having to support your financially then I'm not surprised that DH is worried about the family finances when DC4 arrives (we don't know circumstances of conception - whether risk taking or contraceptive failure..)

NightCzar · 14/02/2018 12:39

YANBU if this is the first scan since the 12 week scan. Sadly I've known a few people have a anomalies revealed at this one and the outcome of you needing dh's support is out there. However most people seem to think it's just routine and maybe after 3 other kids he does too. I'm sure you'll be fine op

Dipitydoda · 14/02/2018 12:48

If you rely on parents for financial help you really cant afford this baby and no doubt DH is feeling the financial pressure - do you work too? is there going to be a large drop in salary when you go on Mat leave or is he worried about being the sole financial provider.

However, the baby is coming and given the risk of bad news at a 20 weeks scan, if my DH couldn't make it I would probably have had a private one first on a Saturday morning

BewareOfDragons · 14/02/2018 12:57

I brought my mum to my first 20 week scan one, and went to the second two on my own. I'd rather my DH saved his personal time off for more important things, tbh, and so did he. Especially since they often ran quite late at the hospital, due to emergencies (understandable), and he would have had to take half a day at least for each one.

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