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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh can't attend 20 week scan

125 replies

Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:17

Today is my 20 week scan. I asked dh if he can come and he said he has deadlines at work to meet and can't make it. I am very disappointed he can't come. I don't know if I aibu to feel that way.

OP posts:
littlepooch · 14/02/2018 11:41

Yes context needed here. If he is otherwise supportive and interested and genuinely can't take time off then that's ok imo and these things happen. Could you take another family member or close friend?

My DH didn't come to my early scans as they were at the EPU and I didn't feel it was appropriate to bring our older kids along to the EPU so he stayed at home with them. He also missed some of my later growth scans as it just didn't seem worth him taking time off. He made it to the 12 and 20 week ones though and was otherwise totally supportive and involved in the pregnancy.

EsmeeMerlin · 14/02/2018 11:42

Surely it depends on the context. My partner did not come to either my son's 20 weeks scans. He had to work and sometimes it's not always possible to change. I took my mum and it was fine.

Op did he know about the scan date beforehand? Could he have got the time off?

jaseyraex · 14/02/2018 11:43

You're not unreasonable to be disappointed. In an ideal world, I think everyone would love their partners to be at all the scans and all the appointments. But that's just not possible for everyone, other things in life get in the way! DH worked away a lot during my first pregnancy and couldn't attend any scans at all. If your DH is generally happy and supportive about the pregnancy then I wouldnt be too upset. Take someone else if possible.

Vibe2018 · 14/02/2018 11:44

My DH won't be at my 20 week scan on Friday as he has to mind our other children. I'm going alone. If there are any problems I can always phone him.

If your DH is otherwise a good person then I think its ok if he can't make it. A job is important - especially when you have a baby.

Kintan · 14/02/2018 11:44

If you gave him plenty of notice of the date and his employers is usually flexible about time off then you are right to be annoyed for sure!

LittleLostLion · 14/02/2018 11:45

How much notice did you give him? It is coming across that you may have only told him today?

Was he aware of the fact it was today for at least a couple of weeks?

Chienrouge · 14/02/2018 11:46

I agree that the OP reads like he was only told today. In which case YABU, most people would struggle to rearrange deadlines etc at such short notice.
If he’s had plenty of warning and his employers are uaually flexible then YANBU to be annoyed.

Original poster
Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:49

I gave him 3 weeks notice. The hospital changed the time of the scan, which I gave him last week. I've done all other appointments alone. I just feel the 20 week scan is the last scan before we hopefully meet our baby. If he wants to know if ds or dd, he will now have to wait until the baby is born.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 14/02/2018 11:49

If he's usually good at making time for things that matter to you/ to you both as a couple then I'd not think thus was deliberate. It's a shame but one of those things.

You do need someone with you though becuase of the small chance- tiny chance - something could be wrong.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/02/2018 11:49

Does he (and some other posters on here) realise that the point of the scan is to check for abnormalities? Obviously if he could lose he job or seriously piss off his employers by going to the scan this needs to be considered but not going just because he is busy at work does not seem like a good reason. If he has deadlines to meet can't he work later to make up the time? I would be seriously fucked off if my DH had been so inflexible.

blackteasplease · 14/02/2018 11:49

Knowing the sex doesn't matter in the great scheme though.

Feb2018mumma · 14/02/2018 11:50

My dh came to 2 scans, have had 7 now becuase of suspected growth problems and things, it is upsetting, especially when you go to ultra sound clinic and there are couples or women with their mums and I seemed to always go alone but baby is more important and you soon forget your alone! Worst for me is that they get time off work paid for a certain number of scans but my dh didn't come to any scan that was within work hours... he is a special needs teacher so I do get it upsets the children to have changes to their regular day so he does have reasons!

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 14/02/2018 11:50

If he wants to know if ds or dd, he will now have to wait until the baby is born.

Couldnt you find out and tell him? Or ask the sonographer to write it on a priece of paper for him if you don’t want to know.

floriad · 14/02/2018 11:51

I understand that you're disappointed and want him there.

But it really does depend on the context imo.

Is he usually interested, supportive?

However, if this is genuinely the only way to make a deadline? And especially if he was on a tigh schedule to begin with or something unforeseen happened? idk what you'd expect him to do.

Not making his deadline doesn't seem like a good idea either...

Tika77 · 14/02/2018 11:51

My husband didn't attend any of my nhs scans. I didn't even think about asking him. We went private anyway with both kids to find out gender and have 3D pics and all, he was there for those.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 14/02/2018 11:52

Does he (and some other posters on here) realise that the point of the scan is to check for abnormalities?

Hmm

Do some posters realise that not all jobs are possible go just sack off for the afternoon and “catch up later”?

floriad · 14/02/2018 11:53

gave him 3 weeks notice. The hospital changed the time of the scan, which I gave him last week. I've done all other appointments alone.

Is he usually supportive? Dou feel like you're in this together?

What would happen if he did miss the deadline? Was it in your opinion possible to finish his project in advance?

If he wants to know if ds or dd, he will now have to wait until the baby is born.

This seems coercive and counter-productive to me personally.

floriad · 14/02/2018 11:54

*What would happen if he did miss the deadline?

(does he the kind of job where half a day later would be tolerated? Not everyone has....)

Chienrouge · 14/02/2018 11:55

If he wants to know if ds or dd, he will now have to wait until the baby is born

That’s a slightly odd thing to say. Does he want to know? Do you? If you both want to know, you can find out at the scan and tell him, can’t you? If you don’t, you’ll both find out at the birth.

Rumpledfaceskin · 14/02/2018 11:56

Mine didn’t come to any either due to work. It’s nice if they can make it for support but it’s just a medical exam at the end of the day. You can’t really see much but you can always get picutres for him.

Original poster
Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:58

I know he does have tight deadlines to meet as an architect. I think his employer would allow him an hour to attend the scan, I'm not sure why he didn't ask tbh. Hopefully, all will go well with the scan. I'm just nervous if anything is wrong that hasn't been observed at any of the previous scans.

OP posts:
crashbangwhallop · 14/02/2018 11:58

Is your problem that you think he doesn't want this baby and you feel like you are doing it alone? Because you need to talk about that.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/02/2018 11:58

I’m sorry he’s being a twat. If he was going to be ‘unhappy’ about a pregnancy he should have done more to prevent one. He didn’t, ergo he’s going to be a Dad again, like it or not. It’s time for him to act like an adult. You are pregnant, you are both having a child. He either steps up now or fucks off, he doesn’t get to spend months sulking and making this pregnancy your problem to deal with.

Lots of women go to the scans on their own and if they’re happy to, that’s fine. But let’s remember, this isn’t ‘your’ scan this is his baby’s scan, to see how his baby is doing. Sometimes people get bad news at the 20 week scan, it’s better if both parents are there to hear it first hand & to support each other IMO.

It’s not always possible, but when he’s 10 mins from the hospital and is just acting like a petulant twat, its time to get him told to get over himself and get onboard with the new baby or to fuck off.

I hope it goes well 💐

sallyandherarmy · 14/02/2018 12:00

Blimey.

So from the info that you have given, regarding this pregnancy, your DH is indicating that he is not that interested in this baby.

I do hope things improve for you before it's born.

Clandestino · 14/02/2018 12:00

This dc wasn't planned and dh wasnt happy when told him the news.

You dip the stick, you pay for the meal. Massively BU if he says it's deadlines or whatever shit only to avoid the reality that's his fourth child.