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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh can't attend 20 week scan

125 replies

Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 11:17

Today is my 20 week scan. I asked dh if he can come and he said he has deadlines at work to meet and can't make it. I am very disappointed he can't come. I don't know if I aibu to feel that way.

OP posts:

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 18:30

He took it but it was a fight and was only granted when he told his boss that I had actually already claimed most of my allowance. That seemed to do the trick, wrong as it is.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/02/2018 18:33

Sigh. Perhaps some men prefer to keep their 'two appointments' for later in the pregnancy.

Or more likely they won't attend at all. Considering that most women only have two scans and the anomaly scan will be the most important why would men keep their two appointments for later in the pregnancy?

Dungeondragon15 · 14/02/2018 18:42

He took it but it was a fight and was only granted when he told his boss that I had actually already claimed most of my allowance. That seemed to do the trick, wrong as it is.

I'm glad he took it. Women will never be able to compete in the workplace if childcare/maternity leave/antenatal appointments are seen as mainly as a woman's responsibility. Some employers will always discriminate based on gender if they believe women are more likely than men to take time off.

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 18:48

Its disgusting though as his job is less "critical" than mine, in that his work can be caught up on later in the week if he takes time off, mine cant, If Im off someone needs to cover. His boss knew this he knew what my job was but still expected me to be the default to take care leave!

speakout · 14/02/2018 18:50

I went along to all my scans. Not my OHs thing.

Doesn't stop him from being a brilliant father.

Pinkbutton85 · 14/02/2018 18:51

My OH couldn’t come due to work so I took my life long best friend. It was just as good. Though we’d had lots and lots of scans throughout our 2 pregnancies, so it was just normal for him to miss some as they were weekly!

speakout · 14/02/2018 18:51

alone

Certainly wouldn;t have wanted my mother there.

Original poster

Thisismydilemma · 14/02/2018 20:56

Thankfully all went well at the scan today. We are having a dd :-) dh was not enthusiastic at all. I asked him if he wanted to see the scan photos and he said no :( I consoled myself that my dc were happy with the news. I hope he gets over this mood before the baby arrives.

OP posts:

Rebeccaslicker · 14/02/2018 20:58

Your DP is being a total dick, OP

Congratulations, glad the scan went well

MincemeatTart · 14/02/2018 21:00

I don’t really get why it’s necessary to have your husband there to watch a scan.

Alloftheboys · 14/02/2018 21:07

No it's not necessary.
It's a nice bonding moment for the dad. - I don't mean that if the dad doesn't go he won't bond before anyone tries that angle!

Got pregnant unexpectedly with DS1. Had a bleed and a scan at about 6 weeks.
Next scan was normal 12 week and OH kept saying slightly idiotic things like "it's a baby, it's got a face!"
I think he was surprised it was baby shaped at that stage and you can make out features.
I think it helped him get his head around the situation as I didn't show for another few weeks.

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 21:08

Read the thread mincemeat

Op congrats on your scan, Im sorry your DH isnt sharing it with you yet, you need a frank chat he may have his worries but not supporting you isnt the way to go about it

Allthewaves · 14/02/2018 21:13

You have deeper problems than a scan. You need to have a really good talk about the future and new baby arriving

YellowMakesMeSmile · 14/02/2018 21:23

TBH if you’re having to be hugely financially supported by your parents I wouldn’t say you aren’t doing ok and having a 4th child would be hard to get excited about. I’m just being honest

So you're parents are funding your choices ? That's not doing ok in anybodies world.

I doubt he's in "mood" as you put it. He doesn't wasn't any more children, you went ahead anyway and now he's worried about finances and likely embarrassed his wife's parents are having to support the family.

MagicFajita · 14/02/2018 21:31

Congratulations op , I'm really pleased that your scan went well.

I do hope that your partner steps up as your pregnancy progresses.

Seriously though , those of you that talk about going to scans alone really need to stop and think. Yes , most of the time things are okay but sometimes "just a scan" can deliver shockingly bad news and break your heart. I wouldn't wish that on anybody , but please stop saying that the op should've been happy to go alone. Every woman deserves some support when attending her anomaly scan in particular.

myrtleWilson · 14/02/2018 22:22

I'm glad scan went well OP.... but agree you need to speak with DH on a frank basis about your relationship -not just the pregnancy. how did the pregnancy come about - not using contraception, contraception failure?

bluegreygreen · 14/02/2018 22:45

Off topic, but this

Not everyone is lucky enough to work in the public sector and get time off at the drop of s hat

is pretty insulting. I work in public sector (NHS) and can't get time off just like that. Neither can the people actually doing the scans - or would it be OK if they just didn't turn up?

steff13 · 14/02/2018 22:49

I took my nan - theyddisnt have scans in 'those' days - she was fascinated.

Aww that's so sweet. I love it.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/02/2018 10:24

Hi op,

I’m glad the scan went well and congratulations on your baby girl.

You must be very hurt by your husbands reaction, I think the two of you need to have a serious talk.

LagunaBubbles · 15/02/2018 12:29

Yes I agree with this, and its not really about a scan at all by the sounds of it. How is your relationship generally? As you say thge pregnancy was unplanned so what actually happened? And yes no doubt someone will be along soon to say its irrelevant as you are pregnant now but I think its very relevant to your DHs reaction to this p[pregnancy.

Trooperslane2 · 15/02/2018 12:32

I wouldn't go to a scan alone. He needs to step up/use annual leave.

What if you get bad news? We don't live at home, there was no one else to come with me and at several scans, I did get bad news.

I don't want to worry you with my experience OP

butterybean · 15/02/2018 12:47

Mine couldn't make it, he had to work as he is self employed. It wasn't a big deal I just went on my own...

Jackiebrambles · 15/02/2018 12:52

Yes this isn't about the scan at all is it? I'm really sorry that he's behaving like this, it must be so hard for you. I think you need to have a big discussion - this baby is coming, he can't be full of resentment. It will ruin your family.

Jackiebrambles · 15/02/2018 12:52

Congratulations on your healthy scan and your new DD!

SlowDown76mph · 16/02/2018 09:07

Don't wait and hope that when the baby comes he'll suddenly step up. It takes two to make a baby. If he didn't want to risk a pregnancy then he shouldn't have been irresponsible about contraception. How dare he be leaving you so vulnerable and unsupported.

Get it sorted now - counselling pronto - or he choosing to put your whole marriage and family life at risk. And if he doesn't want to be an adult, and continues to disengage, then you are better off without him, sooner rather than later.

It will eat away like poison. Every rough spot and argument you will remember how he let you down. How he spoiled your pregnancy. How instead of pulling together he chose to punish you. It doesn't have to go that way. But you need to be brave and have difficult discussions, now.

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