To say he can't take the car?

[Shitinyourhandsandclap]

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous .

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

But I don't know. You can say I should, but the fact is I don't. I have owned 1 car. Driven 1 car. My Ex had owned about 10 different cars but still didn't spot the signs he was about to do £2k of damage to his car, and he was a far more experienced driver than me.

There are certain things I can do, and know, very well because I have been doing them for a long time. I can instantly tell you who was at fault for an accident based on the facts for example and quote highway code and case law in support. I accept not everyone knows or can do the same things. I certainly wouldn't tell them they just should know and that's that. No one knows everything! My DP knows more about cars than me due to his greater experience. I'm sure when I've been a driver and car owner for over 25 years my knowledge about cars will be greater than it is now.

Well, you know that information because it's your job. Like I know my job where others wouldn't. But that's irrelevant.

From your posts here you have implied that your car is unroadworthy and you have no knowledge of vehicle maintenance and that's what I was commenting on. No one expects car owners to be experts, but it's in yours, and everyone's interests to know your car if you are the one in it.

And yes, let your son drive it on the motor way (provided he hadn't actually been screaming at you about it)

Ultimately, it's your car & your decision. However, if your DS is used to driving in an urban environment with heavy traffic to be aware of, I can't see why driving on a motorway would be substantially more risky?

The speed thing isn't really an issue - if he can't overtake lorries, he doesn't need to; he can sit in the slow lane with them.

Alternatively, could he plan a route that simply avoids motorways? Certainly it's an option you can select on Google Maps.

Sure, it might be slower, but a 90 minute motorway journey would probably only take 2 hours on A roads?

You reckon you know how to check the tyre pressure on your car yet the tyre blew out when your son kerbed it? A roadworthy tyre at the correct pressure would not burst hitting a kerb, especially at the low speeds your car only seems to travel at. Stop projecting your fears on to your son, an overly nervous driver is just as dangerous as an overconfident one. You are doing your son no favours by wrapping him in cotton wool. If you don’t need the car and you’re only stopping him using it due to your own insecurities then I think you are being very unreasonable.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable too - he is 19, not 9.

Everyone has to have a 'first' time on a motorway - and even though the speed limit is 70, this is a limit not a target.

Driving at 60 in the slow lane should be fine.

I think part of the issue is your son wanting to show his mates that he is 'grown up' enough to drive there himself or being 'mothered'.

I don't see the problem with it being a small/not very powerful car? At least you know he can't thrash it down the motorway.

I've been driving a tiny 1L since I passed my test and have made many motorway trips in it with no issues at all - I never had anyone to come with me for a practice ride either.

Unless he's planning on occupying the outside lane in it... I don't see an issue. He'll be fine.

Can you go out with him one night this week if your partner won't?

...(I would be extremely annoyed at being shouted at though fwiw)

Think your slightly over reacting yes he's never drove on motorway so ure worried as first time will be long drive so why aren't you or do taking him on it and teaching him the rules off it do u check car over each time u drive it as it can have fault even on short drives if it bothers u that much u have a check over it and crying at work over something so trivial is Abit much as I said take him out a couple of times on motorway and teach him apart from that let him go on his trip and enjoy himself

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but couldn't you take him on the motorway for a short drive?

I have relatively little motorway experience as I've only been driving a year so I don't think it's helpful for me to take him out on there or 'teach' him. I've asked DP to do it and he refused. What exactly am I meant to do? I can't force him.

Why does he need teaching how to drive on a motorway? He’s passed his test.

No one took me on the motorway and I didn't think to have someone take me. Dual carriageway is a good learning experience to move on from.

My example about the roads was because PP keep saying that dual carriageway roads of 70 are the same as motorways, national speed limit roads or country lanes are dangerous. However none of those are local to us, so that's no issue. I'm not saying I've forbidden him to drive on them. He doesn't and nor do I because there are none around here.

In your OP you say I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back.

The reason I keep bringing this up is because you don't seem to realise you are being inconsistent. Is it ok on the motorway? Is it ok on 60-70mph single- and dual-carriageway roads? Or is it only ok to be doing 40/50 max? You need to be honest with yourself, decide which of these applies and make that clear to your son.

I feel I am in danger of sounding as though I am bullying you and I don't mean to. It is not ok that your DS shouted at you but if you are as inconsistent with him as you have been on here, I can see why he might feel frustrated.

What exactly am I meant to do? I can't force him.

Well you made it a condition of DS taking the car to see his friend, so it's your problem to work that out.

OP it is scary when they first start driving but they have to do the first time at some point. Is he generally a good driver? I paid for my kids to have a motorway lesson after they passed their test, I was still nervous the first time they did it themselves.

You're a new driver. He sounds confident. He's paying the fuel. U don't need the car when he's away. If you won't let him do it cuz he's not done it before, when will he ever do it? Yabvu

My DS passed his test 6 years ago, owns and pays for his own car yet i worry about him every time he goes out in it. YANBU to worry especially as you know the dangers better than most. I would say that your judgement is slightly clouded by your job (as is mine). You see the worst of driving everyday, accidents, injuries etc without seeing the rest of the non incident trips that have happened across the country to compare them against. For me, I don't see the people that have completed a four hour drive successfully or been to the shops without incident. I see the biker who came off his bike or the family caught up in an RTC on there way to see family.

Your DP is BU. How long would it take to check you car over and take DS out for a quick drive to put your mind at ease?
Your DS is BU. It's your car and your decision, to shout and scream at you is VU. Maybe talk to your DP about your concerns and definitely speak to your DS about his attitude.

Bloody hell - the person you mention who can't put petrol in her own car needs a great big (metaphorical) kick up the arse; that's one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard, it's hardly rocket science.
Regarding your son, I agree with earlier posters who point out that the only way to gain experience is to get out there and do it. However, he's been so bloody rude to you I'd be telling him to sort his own journey requirements out, he is a grown up after all.
Chuckling here at the people asking if a 15 year old car is a Morris Minor - they stopped making them in 1972!!!

YABU and a major control freak.

You do seem to be projecting your fears onto him. But you DH is unreasonabl not to help calm the situation by taking him onto a motorway.

For someone who seems fairly capable about cars you then completely baffle me when you say that old cars don't need services! Of course they do. Any car needs it's brakes checking and other fluid levels checking, for example. I have old cars, always have, and do a lot of mileage. My husband is a mechanic and services it at least once a year. You're possibly putting yourself, your son and everyone else at risk just driving about in general.

He shouldn't be screaming at you though, it's your car, he contributes nothing so if he screamed at me he'd lose the right to use it full stop, let alone this weekend.

OP, it sounds as if you're anxious about your son driving on the motorway by himself when he's never driven on the motorway at all, which is absolutely reasonable!

To be honest, it sounds as if you set the terms beforehand: the car needed to be checked over (as all drivers should do before going on a long journey) and that he had to have at least experienced motorway driving (just one junction!) before embarking on a journey himself. Again, neither of these terms are unreasonable. It would've taken your partner (and your son could have helped, so he knew what to do) to check tyre pressures and inflate if necessary, check oil, water, coolant levels and check that all lights are working. This is basic stuff and takes no time at all. Your son could have initiated doing both and nudged your partner but it seems he just expected these things to happen for him.

I don't think you have been unreasonable in the slightest. Your partner sounds as if he just couldn't be bothered and your son has taken no responsibility which, at 19, he should be. Maybe a compromise would be that he can drive there but is not allowed on the motorway? Either way, your son behaved like a brat and your partner sounds as if he just can't be bothered.

I can't believe that a 19 year old man screams at his mother because he can't get his own way. I'd let him take the car this one time but he will have to find and pay for his own transport from then on.

If OP has been as inconsistent with her son as she has here I can totally understand his frustration. Frankly it would try the patience of a saint.

why can't you sit with him whilst he has a practise drive? HEs the one driving not you. try a non busy time.

We both work ft, there is no time for me to sit with him before the weekend at a quiet time due to work. Besides which me sitting with him is not helpful for the reasons I've said previously.

And with respect I haven't been inconsistent. To clarify, since it appears clarification is needed:

We live in an urban area. There are no national speed limit roads, or country lanes nearby. The only dial carriageway is limited to 40-50mph depending on which part you are on. However due to traffic you don't usually get to that speed. It is only this stretch of dual carriageway either of us ever use, and which is included on the driving test.

The nearest motorway is about 15-20 mins away. This is the motorway I've driven on, which DS would be driving on to see his friend. Neither of us have any reason to drive on it ordinarily as all the places we travel to are in a different direction accessible either from the dual carriageway or local residential roads.

I wanted to ensure DS was safe on the motorway hence I had asked my DP to go with him the 15-20 mins up to the motorway, drive along one junction, about 10 mins, and then come back.

I've not banned DS from ever driving on the motorway. He has never done so or asked to do so previously, as he hasn't really needed to travel on it. This will be the first drive over 30 mins he's done, because as we are in an urban area everything is nearby.

He's 19, works full time and pays nothing apart from £20 towards petrol? He should buy his own car.
You were fair to say you wanted your DP to take him out first. I would be annoyed at DP and after being screamed at I would've refused use of my car too.
Does your DP know how annoyed you are?