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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
Dljlr · 14/02/2018 11:43

YANBU, your partner is being a selfish arse and undermining you, and your son is taking out the repurcussions of that on you rather than your DP. I'd be very hurt if I asked someone who supposedly cared for me and my child to check that a vehicle was safe before my child drove it on a motorway for the first time, and they just laughed at me.

OverTheMountain42 · 14/02/2018 11:59

I don't think you were unreasonable in asking your dp to give it a quick check for peace of mind, tyre pressures etc.

However I do think you're being unreasonable in not letting your DS take the car. Talking from experience my own mother did exactly this and it was my car, she put such worry into me for wanting to drive on a motorway that it actually then gave me anxiety for years after for driving on motorways and even now it sometimes creeps back. It's good he has the confidence to want to do it, please don't let your own natural anxieties take that away from him.

italiancortado · 14/02/2018 12:01

I don't get the car serviced because honestly I have never heard of anyone servicing a 15 yr old car worth £400-500.

The value of a car is not related to your safety or that of others though Hmm

InfiniteSheldon · 14/02/2018 12:06

Yanbu your car is fine for short urban driving not for an inexperienced new driver on a motorway

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/02/2018 12:07

Well a lot of servicing only relates to oil changes and tightening and adjusting things so not necessarily a safety issue. The brakes aren't going to magically stop working because they haven't been checked by a mechanic recently.

The OP does a very very low mileage and normal service intervals are based on cars doing 10-15 000 miles a year, not 2000. She might not be that far outside service intervals anyway, as many are every 2 years anyway and that's based on a much higher mileage.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/02/2018 12:25

I totally get where you're coming from. I have a 3yo small engine car and as an experienced driver I don't really take it on the motorway. It will do 80mph but it doesn't have much acceleration and it is quite badly affected by wind buffeting when going past lorries. It's not an easy drive in those conditions and by preference I'll take our 1.6 larger family car as it's a relaxing drive, easy to pull out and overtake in pretty much any gear and is much more forgiving.

I might have missed the info, but when was this arranged and is he taking friends? I'm wondering if this was discussed ages ago and friends are expecting lifts, then it's going to cause quite a lot of disruption. Can DP insure DS just for the weekend on his car and DP use yours while DS is away? Although with DS screaming down the phone, I'd probably not follow up on that, I wouldn't tolerate DD screaming at me.

SeniorRita · 14/02/2018 12:28

I don't understand what your dp could do to the car if he's not a mechanic, that would have made you think 'Oh, OK, now it is fine for ds to drive on the motorway'.

You say you already check all the levels, tyres and lights so that's about all the checks you can do really.
Do you really think if your dp had said 'yeah' sure' I'll look it over', you'd then be saying to ds, 'yep, off you go'?

I think you've got all your reasoning muddled up.

Your ds should be on a car ban for a week (or however long will inconvenience him) for his reaction though, and you should tear a strip off your 'd'p for being unhelpful.
Your ds should also be paying some sort of contribution to household expenses, as he is working.

But, on balance, generally, there isn't really any reason for your ds not to drive the car on the motorway except your anxiety.

And you should get it serviced now and then.

italiancortado · 14/02/2018 12:33

Well a lot of servicing only relates to oil changes and tightening and adjusting things so not necessarily a safety issue

There is slightly more to it than that. Lots of checking, and various fluids topped up which is actually imperative when it comes to safety.

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 12:36

If DP had taken him out on the motorway I'd have some idea of how good or bad DS driving was. And by getting DP also to have a go in the car Id have some reassurance that the car was handling and performing normally. I have no real experience of driving cars beyond this one. If my car was making a noise it shouldn't, or there was a potential issue with it, I wouldn't know. The best example I can give is my Ex knackered the timing belt on his car. It damaged the engine which had to be rebuilt, cost about £2k. According to the garage he should have had some warning for days/ weeks before, but he has no clue about cars (like me) so didn't notice anything awry. DP however has done a lot of car maintenance over the years and owned a lot of cars, so of he said it drove/ handled fine I would accept that.

DS can't be insured on DPs car. I'm not even insured on it as it's too expensive to add me.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 14/02/2018 12:39

But topping things up is routine anyway - not in particular for a longer journey.
Nothing is different for a longer journey. Either the car is roadworthy, or it's not.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 14/02/2018 12:42

Lots of posters saying the OP should get him further lessons or pass plus. He's 19, he can sort out his own lessons if he wants them!!

He doesn't want them. The law does not require them. It is the OP who is imposing these conditions so reasonable to expect her to then organise and pay for them.

Sorry, just to be clear, would every poster here get their car ( if it was of a similar age) serviced before a longer than usual trip involving motorways? If not, why are you saying the OP is unreasonable to have not done this? Should she pay for an unnecessary service for a trip she's not even going on and was only aware of recently?

The OP is one concerned her car is not motorway-worthy. Most sensible drivers would realise that 'not motorway-worthy' is the same as not roadworthy. It is either ok or it isn't ok. If the OP is concerned about it then yes, she should get it serviced or, as said repeatedly last night, at least checked by a professional mechanic.

If people are concerned about motorway driving at 70mph, they should be far more concerned about driving on local single-carriageway roads at 60mph or dual-carriageways at 70mph, both of which will have far fewer options to get you out of trouble. The OP keeps saying she knows the consequences of poor driving judgement because of her job in which case she will know full well that local roads and dual-carriageways are where the majority of serious and fatal accidents occur.

Believe it or not, I do understand the OP's concerns. However, she can take him out for his motorway experience if she thinks it necessary (the first time I drove on the motorway was with a friend who I knew would be calm and supportive). Plenty of vehicles drive at less than 70mph on the motorway (many lorries, anything that is towing) so if the car is roadworthy, that should not be a problem. What I take issue with is that the OP is concerned enough about the state of her car to ask her DP to look at it, yet is not prepared to get a professional to look at it, despite her job which gives her an insight into what can go wrong. It just seems irresponsible to me.

italiancortado · 14/02/2018 12:45

But topping things up is routine anyway - not in particular for a longer journey.

I absolutely agree.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 14/02/2018 12:46

The brakes aren't going to magically stop working because they haven't been checked by a mechanic recently.

Oh, dear God!

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 12:48

Just to repeat, there are no 70mph dual carriageways near here or 60mph roads. Very little is over 30-40mph. There are no rural roads or country lanes. Its an urban, built up, area where traffic is heavy enough that often you never get above 20 or 25mph on a typical 5 mile journey.

OP posts:
SundaysFunday · 14/02/2018 12:49

You are projected by your own fear of driving and your concern over the car breaking down onto your DS.

He is an adult, he is a confident driver, he has passed his driving test, he is insured to drive the car and the car is roadworthy.

You really need to let go.

carbuckety · 14/02/2018 12:52

Sorry but cars that use the road need servicing. Your dad was basically servicing it himself wasn't he? But your son doesn't get to use YOUR car if you don't want him to. I think you are being over anxious though I get where you are coming from.

PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2018 12:53

Sorry but cars that use the road need servicing.

Is it now a legal requirement? I thought it was just passing an MOT.

UpSideDownBrain · 14/02/2018 12:53

YANBU - your car, your rules. If he doesn't like it, he can save up and pay for his own car. But while you foot the bill, what you say goes.

ParadiseCity · 14/02/2018 12:54

Your car, your rules.

I let my DC go on their pushbike to certain places and not others. I have said they need to build their skills by going out on certain routes with an adult first. Same applies to driving imo.

Your son sounds rude and your dp sounds unhelpful. I really feel for you OP. You sound like the only reasonable and unselfish one. FlowersBrewCake

DontMakeMeShushYou · 14/02/2018 12:54

Just to repeat, there are no 70mph dual carriageways near here or 60mph roads.

So the rule is that he can only drive on the roads in the immediate vicinity of your house? Earlier you have implied that you might be prepared to let him go on this 60-mile trip if he didn't drive on the motorway. Which is it?

I think you need to be clear in your own mind and honest with your son about what the conditions of him driving your car are.

CakeOfThePan · 14/02/2018 12:56

And this isn’t the reason the government shouldn’t change mot’s to 2 years or so away with them as they have for older cars.
It’s bloody scary!!

Servicing is more than topping stuff up, belts need changing, retensioning, repositioning. Filters need changing. Bushes & suspension need checking. Granted a minor service is not a big deal but that yearly check could prevent an expensive or dangerous fault.

Brakes don’t magically stop working because no ones looked at them but they do wear out and if someone (anyone who knows what they are looking at!) doesn’t check them how do you know when they need replacing?

Op I can’t make sense of not letting him drive on the motorway but yet driving an unmaintained car is ok. They don’t match up

Nicknacky · 14/02/2018 12:57

I'm actually a bit alarmed by how unknowable you are about the ton of metal you are driving and that you say you would have no idea if anything was wrong. I remember there used to be courses where you learnt the basics of car maintanence, maybe you should look into that?

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 13:13

I know as much as or more than most women and men I know. I can change a tyre or check the pressure, top up the oil and washer fluid. Hell, I have a friend who can't even put petrol in her own car, she relies on her DH doing it for her. I know what the warning lights on the dash are and what they mean. To be honest I don't think a class on car maintenance is going to help because afaik it's not going to say if your car does X or makes a noise like Y there might be a problem. If it is then I stand corrected.

My example about the roads was because PP keep saying that dual carriageway roads of 70 are the same as motorways, national speed limit roads or country lanes are dangerous. However none of those are local to us, so that's no issue. I'm not saying I've forbidden him to drive on them. He doesn't and nor do I because there are none around here.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 14/02/2018 13:17

So why do you need your dp to drive your car to see if it is performing properly? It's your car, your responsibility to maintain it and know how it works enough to know if anything feels different, sounds different etc.

sushilover17 · 14/02/2018 13:23

I don't understand why you'd even offer to pay his train fare. If he wants to see his friend, he can go pay for it. He has no rights to the car as he hasn't paid for it. Maybe it'll teach him to save up and get his own car.

I think he's also idiotic for not test driving the motorway beforehand, ludicrous. YANBU!!!!!!!

I'm 23 and I'd never expect or have expected my parents to just give me their car and they would have made me pay my own fare if I wanted to go somewhere. I turned out fine.