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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't take the car?

351 replies

Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 00:11

DC and I share a car. I bought and paid for it and the insurance. He puts £20 petrol in it most weeks.

He wants to take the car to visit a friend who's at uni 60 miles away. It's a good 80-90 min drive, quite a lot of it on a very busy motorway.

The car is tiny and old, top speed is under 70mph. Its only ever used on little local trips, and occasionally on the local dual carriageway which has a limit of 40/ 50mph.

DS is a confident driver and happy to drive there. I am less confident in his abilities as he's easily distracted and has never driven on a motorway full of lorries. I'm also not 100% confident in the car (but I'm no mechanic, I only passed my test last year so am also a new driver).

I'd said to DS I wanted him to go out in the car with my DP just one junction down the motorway and back. And I also wanted DP just to check the car over (as he's been driving for well over 20 years, maintained his own cars etc). Anyway that plan all came to nothing as when I raised this at the weekend DP basically said he didn't see the point and I was being ridiculous Hmm.

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I have a load of other shit going on. This is really not what I need, I was in tears at work today because I'm sick of it, that any tiny bit of help I ask for just can't be given. At the moment I'm not too happy with either DS or DP. This is the straw that broke the camel's back.

So AIBU to have said no?

OP posts:
Lucymek · 14/02/2018 10:34

I was prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt before but tbh I think you sound a pretty irresponsible car owner and should offer to pay for a hire car for your DS for this weekend.

No she should not it's not her problem. He made plans without planning his own transport!

SandAndSea · 14/02/2018 10:35

OP, I don't think you're BU. I used to be very worried about my DSS when he started driving. (Quite honestly, I'm not even sure that young men should be allowed to drive, for safety reasons, but that's another thread.) It's your car, so your call. Let him take the train.

I do think you're BU in not getting your car regularly serviced though.

Blankscreen · 14/02/2018 10:40

What about if you take him out on the motorway this week?

I used to have a shitty little 206 and it was terrifying to go on the motorway so I get where you are coming from.

You basically don't want DS killing himself!!
I would try and explain your worries and arrange advanced lessons and agree that if he does them then you'll let him go .

needmysleep75 · 14/02/2018 10:41

As you say you only passed your test a year ago have you driven on the motorway? I think you maybe passing your anxiety on, I drove on the M25 just after passing my test and coped. Its scary when they start to drive but someone who knows exactly what they are doing has said he's up to it. You have to say they know better than you.
Is he going at a quiet time? First time on the motorway would be better at the weekend when its not so busy.
I do think you are using the age/size of the car as an excuse, I get the impression your DP thinks you are being over the top too which is why he said no. And the 'screaming' from your son was it in frustration of you treating him like a 3 year old? Where you not listening and he just got upset ( doesn't make it right but understandable )
You work in claims so you know it doesn't matter what road he's on something could happen. Motorways are actually safer than other roads you should know that.
Let him go, and if you haven't already try some motorway driving yourself.

Blankscreen · 14/02/2018 10:42

My parents don't let my sister drive on the motorway.

They drive her car up to uni for her!

I'm not sure what she does whilst she's away but the m25 is like a no go zone for my parents.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/02/2018 10:45

There are some fucking idiots on here today. She should get a hire car for him? After he's yelled at her? And made plans to use her car, without even asking first?
This is how we end up with adult cheeky fuckers!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/02/2018 10:47

need, her dp acts like a shit. Her son acts like a shit. But somehow it is the OP's fault?

scaryteacher · 14/02/2018 10:48

I'm a bit astounded that the OP doesn't get her car serviced annually. Even when I was driving my S reg, it was serviced every year as I used it to drive between Belgium and Devon. The current car is 10 years old, but is serviced annually, as again I do a fair amount of mileage in it.

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/02/2018 10:53

But the OP only uses her car on little local trips, she might never be more than a few miles from home, might only do a couple of thousand miles a year and if it broke down, she'd be able to get a bus or taxi until it is fixed. In those circumstances, it's totally understandable that it's not serviced. I probably wouldn't bother either.

The car doesn't go far and never over 40 miles an hour, it's a totally different usage pattern and risks encountered to one that goes long distances and/or on motorways.

CotswoldStrife · 14/02/2018 10:54

OP, you are happy to drive the car yourself which means you think it is safe. So to ask your DP to check it looks like trying to push the decision on to someone else.

Your DS shouldn't have screamed, but is this the first time you've stopped him from doing something because you feel it is unsafe? I suspect not.

SeaCabbage · 14/02/2018 10:55

I can understand where you are coming from OP.

I think it is time for a heart to heart with your DP. Sit him down and tell him how important this is for you. Asking him to take your son out for half an hour or so to make sure he gets his first taste of a motorway is not unreasonable.

I think you said you don't have time to do this. But your DP does so he is being asked to help you.

From all the information you have given - a small car struggling to go over 50mph sounds bloody dangerous.

At least if the two of them go out briefly you will all have a better idea of the situation.

I think it is time both your DP and your son respected your knowledge of driving and your quite understandable concerns.

LizB62A · 14/02/2018 10:55

OP - I can understand your position
My 19 year old son had recently passed his test when he wanted to drive on the motorway for the first time for a job interview.
He has his own car which can do 70mph ok but not much more and I was still worried.
In the end I drove him and he seemed genuinely surprised about how busy the traffic was and how many large lorries there were.

Pootling around local roads at 30mph plus the occasional 40mph dual carriageway doesn't mean that relatively new drivers are safe on busy motorways.

BadPolicy · 14/02/2018 10:58

I think your DS feel frustrated. Your job seems to give you a disproportionate sense of risk. You told him he could use the car, with certain conditions, which he agreed to. Your DP then wouldn't support your conditions, so you went back on what was agreed with DS. Its not DS's fault DP wont help out.

Bluelady · 14/02/2018 11:01

So, all of you who are so worried about your kids driving alone on motorways, when are you going to allow them to become fully functioning adults? At 25, 30, 40? Let them grow up for God's sake. Two of my stepchildren passed their tests at 17, they were both on the M6 within a week.

callmeadoctor · 14/02/2018 11:02

Just pointing out to those that say that breaking down locally because your car isn't serviced is ok, not if you crash into somebody because your brakes fail!! Shock

StormTreader · 14/02/2018 11:09

Motorways are actually safer than little local roads - everything happens with much bigger gaps and clearer rules.

Firesuit · 14/02/2018 11:10

The car can't be a Morris Minor, 2CV or whatever, if it's only 15 years old.

I'm struggling to imagine what car made after the turn of the century can't get up to 70mph, but I suppose it's possible. (I've just googled and 1990's Nissan Micra with the smallest available engine had an official top speed of 93mph.)

My first time on a motorway was on a 250cc motorbike that couldn't get up to the motorway speed limit. But it was a fairly empty motorway in another country.

callmeadoctor · 14/02/2018 11:11

Well its possible that it needs a "service" to bring it up to speed (so to speak) Grin

italiancortado · 14/02/2018 11:12

I'm baffled by the mentality that you don't service a car because it's old. I mean seriously OP, if you are not aware that servicing a car is part of basic maintenance, as well as things you can do yourself, then quite frankly you should not be the owner of a car.

CotswoldStrife · 14/02/2018 11:13

sea the OP has not been driving long herself and has only been on the motorway 'briefly' in her own words, which is why some posters are asking if it is her own worries that are the reason. ATEOTD it is her car though so she doesn't have to loan it to anyone.

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 11:19

I don't get the car serviced because honestly I have never heard of anyone servicing a 15 yr old car worth £400-500. My dad was a mechanic so did his own maintenance; my Ex only had cars less than 5 years old which came with a service plan, ditto my DP. Friends mostly have new or leased cars. A couple have very old run about cars like mine which go to the garage for the MOT but that's it. We do have full breakdown cover.

I obviously don't do many miles in it. Since I've had the car (nearly 3 years) I think I've done about 6000 miles in total. That was lower at first as I'd not passed my test.

I could let DS go on the back roads only. However once he's in the car I won't know or have any control over which way he goes. Plus he's been so shitty over this all I'd feel I was rewarding him for behaving badly.

He is over confident and I worry how this will translate onto a motorway especially when he has friends in the car. He's burst a tyre before when he kerbed the car when out with his mates. Ok only £35 to resolve but that adds to the worry.

I have driven the car on the motorway (a shorter journey than he is planning, plus I had DP with me) hence I know how fast it goes or rather doesn't go. It just about gets to 70 downhiĺl but even at 60 seems to struggle. Hence DP saying it wasn't really fit for the motorway.

DP isn't DS dad btw. His dad isn't really in the picture.

I would be willing for him to drive after I knew he'd had some practice and with a more suitable car. Preferably also on his own as I think he'd concentrate more.

OP posts:
Omgsohardtofindanewname · 14/02/2018 11:19

I told DS he can't use the car, and had him screaming down the phone to me. He then had another go at me tonight telling me I hadn't even tried to sort it out. I've offered to pay his train dare and drive him to the station, but that wasn't good enough.

I haven't rtft but this behaviour would have me stopping him using the car. How dare he speak to you like that?

LizB62A · 14/02/2018 11:29

Ok - now I think you're being U

Every car on the road needs to be serviced regularly
My car is 12 years old, worth less than 400 and I get it serviced every year (I only do about 6k miles per year)

Original poster
Shitinyourhandsandclap · 14/02/2018 11:30

The top speed of my car according to the manual when new was 88mph. I can confidently say it doesn't go as fast as that. DP has driven it a couple of times and he also struggled to get it to 70.

What upset me with DS was he said I hadn't done anything. I hadn't tried. I had. I'd done my best. But he doesn't appreciate it.

I'm not particularly over protective of him. Hes generally quite independent. He goes out til the early hours often, makes his own way home, indeed he's always made his own way back from places as I never had a car to pick him up when he was younger. He's been using public transport unaccompanied since he was 10. I am particularly risk averse with cars because I see the consequences of poor judgement daily.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 14/02/2018 11:32

So he has a full time job yet the £20 he pays for petrol is his only contribution at home Shock Shock

He knows it's your car yet screams at you when you refuse to let him do as he pleases with it?
OP, why are you allowing this rudeness and disrespect? This pisstaking?
Why are you even offering to pay for his train tickets when he has plenty of disposable income?

You need to start treating him and expecting him to behave like an adult.
He has a full time wage and needs to learn how to budget and pay for things like rent,food,bills,transport etc.....not just on nights out boozing Hmm