To tell these performance parents ...

[pieceofpurplesky]

To shut the fuck up?
In A&E with DS waiting for X-ray results with two very vocal performing parents.
'Look Livvy the book has a chicken. What does a chicken say Livvy'
'Oh Livvy you are so clever'
'Livvy look at the nice nurse. What does a nurse do Livvy?'.
'Stop walking away Livvy, I am reading a story. You need to listen Livvy it's a good story'
And on and on and on

All poor Livvy wants to do is bash a toy car on a table and play with a teapot.

I don't know about performance parenting but worked on a children's ward and chatting to the parents many many time about their children's diet- very important. Especially if they've come in with faecal impaction/ severe constipation etc

Me- so what's their normal diet like?
Parent- oh they only eat vegetables, and she eats raw broccoli as snacks and we only eat a healthy diet etc et c
Child- looking baffled no I don't mummy, I only like fish fingers and garlic bread..

Why not just be honest? Because your child will be brutally honest for you!

@chocolatestrawberries my language? Are you offended by 'shut the fuck up' or something else. If the former I suggest you leave mumsnet!

The gratuitous foul language which seems to be the norm on here always amazes me, as the site is generally made up of those who consider/tihnk themselves to be good parents, I never realised that it was a prerequisite.

[shrug] talking to them is better for their brains than shoving them in front of a tablet or phone. I see way more of the latter than the former.

And really, language.

Mum, is that you?

Any theories on the motivation behind performance parenting?

My sister does it. It's severe and really horrible to watch. She does it everywhere, and after several visits at my house where this happened I had to mention it. My sister wasn't aware she was doing it but it became apparent that she was very worried that people might think she was ignoring or neglecting her child. For her I think it is a genuine anxiety issue.

I'm not sure I would call it performance parenting. To me it seems more like constant harassment of her child. If he wanders off to play with a toy she will call him back over to engage him in a song or conversation whether he wants to or not. Same if he tries to interact with anyone else. He is constantly stressed and crying and doesn't get a minuite.

I really don't enjoy spending time as its impossible to chat and its awful watching this toddler get more and more upset because of what she's doing. Going out with them is absolutely unbearable. I think she severely lacks confidence and this style of parenting creates a negative loop. It's very sad and I suppose if people saw her doing this in the shop they would probably giggle. But I see first hand the effect this has on him, and the effects it has on my sister socially.

And sneering at people putting some effort into parenting isn’t going to make ignoring your children acceptable?

I don't ignore my children thanks. Far from it but I talk and read to them for their benefit not so everyone hears me. I think it's good to teach children manners and to respect other people. Maybe someone in that waiting room had a banging headache.

I think it's more noticeable now though because fewer parents do interact with their children.

I'm from the camp that has always interacted with them, taken books, travel games, etc as there were no tablets when they were little.
Phones were for calls and texts as no internet. So you never found parents using their phone.
However, there were still PP's, but you could really tell the difference.
I don't think some people can tell the difference as they don't see as much normal interaction these days, so don't know the difference.

I love these performance parenting posts. Just because it brings out all the performance parents who argue that it is just interacting with your child and trying to justify it.

Of course they don't believe that they are performance parenting.

Not at all, I'm definitely not someone who loves an audience, I hate it. I never enjoyed taking toddlers out to eat. So I'm not a performance parent at all. I just said I've never particularly noticed the phenomenon and I think some of the posts are not true or are exaggerated. I've certainly never come across anyone trying to get their child to count to 100 in another language.

I love these performance parenting posts. Just because it brings out all the performance parents who argue that it is just interacting with your child and trying to justify it.

I talk a lot to my child in public and I'm naturally an expressive person. If you think it's for yours or anyone else's benefit you're sadly mistaken. If that makes me a performance parent I honestly couldn't give a fuck. I'm just trying to do the best for my child.

Nobody is saying don't talk to your child in public! Can people really not see the difference between a normal interaction and a performance? By that logic, am I wrong to quietly play eye spy with my dc? By doing it quietly am I doing it wrong? By playing eye spy and not practicing French, which I do privately at home, am I not trying hard enough

Well said @LaurieMarlow

It's so sad that interacting with your children in public is now seen to many as "performance parenting".

I actually don't get why it's necessarily for your benefit if a parent tries to teach her child to count in French, or whatever other language it might be? Some parents are genuinely trying to raise their children to be bilingual, so it might not be showing off at all.

I think in some ways this just shows how bad British people are at languages, that practising another language with your child in a cafe is seen as ' performance parenting' and not just as teaching them another language.

Of course, they should take better care not to disturb other diners, that goes without saying.

The French thing was just an example. It's annoying when people take over a space by loudly yapping to anyone or making a public space like their own living room as if nobody else is there. I don't get why people don't see that or do it.

I talk a lot to my child in public and I'm naturally an expressive person. If you think it's for yours or anyone else's benefit you're sadly mistaken. If that makes me a performance parent I honestly couldn't give a fuck. I'm just trying to do the best for my child No one thinks to talk to your child in public is performance parenting, don't be obtuse. It's the 'acting' quality some give off, anything but natural and all for the benefit of those unfortunate enough to be stuck in the same environment. This is more about manners than anything else. Have some consideration for the general public who didn't buy a ticket to the show that is you and yours.

I agree, I said parents should keep their voices down, it's very inconsiderate to disturb other diners. I'm just asking, why the assumption that it's for your benefit??

My DD1 has learned some French at school, I speak French and we have a French au pair. She loves counting in French, if I help her with it, I'd be very sad if anyone thought I was doing it to show off just what a good parent I am.

Oh and fyi it was only when I joined mn and read a thread about pp that I started toning it down slightly with my dc. I used to narrate everything to them when they were babies and while I would still do it, I would just keep it to a whisper especially in places like hospitals!

I don't understand why people can't see the difference.
Just look at the intent and you will soon know.

An example, my dd started learning Italian when she was 8 and quite often would practice whilst out and about.
I don't speak the language but would occasionally ask her a question.
We did this quietly because where we live it would be frowned upon and we would be considered as posh/trying to be above our station but true.

A PP would be congratulating their child in a big booming voice and stating exactly what the child had just done and said. Looking around and smiling in a smug way to other parents or passers by.
Talking to the child in a loud voice about things way beyond their level of understanding, rather than teaching them at their own level.
At 8 mine was only working on KS2 topics, not being encouraged to recite a monologue in Italian, and answering questions on Italian Renaissance.
Neither of us were loud as we have social skills, and the world doesn't revolve around us.

The French thing was an example wish I hadn't bothered.

There is no objective criteria for what is PP and what isn't. That's what makes people anxious that the label applies to them.

Here's the criteria as far as I can see.

Talking in a loud voice. Well some people are naturally louder, more dramatic and more 'performative' than others.

Looking round for approval. Some people just look around them a lot. Some people are naturally more distracted.

The intended audience being other adults not the child. There's no objective way of determining this, short of mind reading.

Other PP anecdotes contain the following.

Child has a posh name. So it's okay to talk to your child if he's called Jack, but you will be judged if he's Tarquin. Okay then.

Foreign language is involved. Numbers/letters/colours okay so long as you follow the other rules, but the second you use another language, it's definitely PP regardless of anything else.

Its all a crock of shit as far as I'm concerned and only serves to make conscientious parents second guess themselves.

Jesus, this is a nasty thread.

Once again, why is it showing off to be interested in teaching your child another language?? In other parts of the world, children can speak several languages fluently, so this really wouldn't be considered as 'performance parenting'. I've known children who could speak 3 or 4 languages fluently, especially in Africa.

I guess I have seen this and just haven't assumed the parent has wanted me to clap.

Interesting.

I keep a running talk going with my dcs when we are out and about. Mainly because they are autistic and can lose focus, panic, and one is a runner, so I have to be scanning around us constantly for any triggers or escape routes he may use. The constant chatting is to keep them focused on me and distract from the other people/traffic/noise around them. The frequent praise "well done for staying on the right - very good listening - etc" is to build confidence and reduce anxiety.

Performance parenting? Nope, because I don't give a stuff what other people think of it. Am I looking for attention? Fuck no! If I DIDN'T do this, we'd get loads of bloody attention when we had a child or two in full on meltdown!

Spend the waiting time teaching Livvy to say "Mu-um, purlease!".