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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 15:40

It was seriously windy and cold out there when I struggled to pick up the Yoga mat, but I really wanted to see him smile as I knew he wanted it. That trip to his mother's will cost 300 miles in diesel, a gift and card and probably a.meal.as well. Plus days in lost wages because he is self employed and living from job to job at the moment. I am seriously fed up.

OP posts:
Mammysin · 13/02/2018 15:44

He doesn't value you. He can organise his time, travel and presents when he wants to- for people he cares about. What are you going to do?

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 13/02/2018 15:46

Then you move it to Saturday and have a splash out night - dinner, cinema, the works. It's just a day and like birthdays, if it falls on a bad night then you move it to the next best one. Your DP is a tight wad. After all, he offered you the night out - and there are some decent films out just now. Don't let him off with it, just switch the night.

alotalotalot · 13/02/2018 15:47

But perhaps his DM did in the past what the op needs to do. She's probably made it clear that he needs to make an effort for her. She may have trained him, which is what the op needs to do but she is obsessed with I want him to WANT to buy me small decent gifts.

CherryMaDeary · 13/02/2018 15:49

cheery who made you the internet police ? I really dislike gobshites who sit behind a keyboard, slinging out insults and giving it the big-i-am to all and sundry, unable to cohenrantly string together two words without peppering with profanities. Kiss your kids with that mouth ? Ugh.

holly Yes, because your advice to OP that she sounds 12 and needs to get a grip was reasoned and considered 🙄

And you tell me that I'm not allowed an opinion and call me 'love' like a sexist and I'm the gobsite? OK.

And at least I can spell coherently even if you think I can't string two words together!

BroomHandledMouser · 13/02/2018 15:52

Christ just bloody tell him.

I agree with pp’s - he’s not a mind reader. If you tell him and he still does it then fair enough to throw a strop. If you don’t tell him and smile sweetly then your own fault.

Such commercialism of Valentine’s Day/Xmas now. Turns everyone bat shit crazy

SilverySurfer · 13/02/2018 15:54

Would it not be possible to sit your DH down and explain why these things are important to you. In a calm voice, no drama, don't get emotional or accuse him of things or get PA, just a quiet straightforward chat?

duckingfisaster · 13/02/2018 15:55

Love isn’t gifts. That is all.

HateTheDF · 13/02/2018 15:56

My DP and I only do Valentine's Day because it's also our anniversary. We don't do cards or chocolates or flowers. If it wasn't our anniversary we wouldn't bother going out for dinner.

You can't excuse what happened at Christmas though. Has he ever bothered with VD or is it just this year?

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 15:58

I have told him now. And he's gone out and I haven't seen him since. He said, 'you clearly want an argument' and I said no I spend my life avoiding arguments. So now he's gone and I don't care. I'm looking forward to my trip to London.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/02/2018 16:00

Tbh I’d think it a little grabby if someone had the conversation with me.

DoJo · 13/02/2018 16:01

It's not either/or - you can have a lovely partner who brings you tea in the morning, rubs your feet when you're tired AND buys you a little something they know you will like on Valentine's day! We show each other that we love each other all year and then use Valentine's day as an additional excuse to be kind to each other because why not?

YearOfYouRemember · 13/02/2018 16:02

Lots of low level sneering.

Dh and have stopped doing presents for Valentines as my birthday is the same week and I'd rather have a nice card but I have been out today and bought him three presents and a couple of cards just because . He's getting M&S dinner tomorrow though probably not the dine in deal and guess what, we are also nice and kind and loving to each other the rest of the year too Hmm.

Mumteedum · 13/02/2018 16:03

Haven't rtft but did read your Xmas thread.

I think that stuff is just stuff and yes vd is totally over commercialised but it doesn't take much effort to buy a nice card, or cook a meal. The lack of effort is hurtful.

My ex husband was like this. I used to think that I was being daft, and this stuff doesn't matter but put it another way... This is the person who is supposed to love you most in the world. Why wouldn't they make a little effort to see you happy?

I think you are settling. I think you need some marriage counselling or something and if he won't go, think about your whole life with this man.

Im on my own now but a lot less lonely. X

isseywithcats · 13/02/2018 16:06

my partner and i had this conversation yesterday he was willing to take me out for a nice meal, and i said not to bother as valentines is one day of the year and i appreciate the fact that the rest of the year he treats me well so i dont need , flowers, chocolates, a card or a meal out on one day of the year to make me feel good

NotASingleFuckToGive · 13/02/2018 16:09

It was seriously windy and cold out there when I struggled to pick up the Yoga mat, but I really wanted to see him smile as I knew he wanted it.

You've just crossed over from thoughtfulness to martyrdom.

Remote1candles · 13/02/2018 16:10

My husband isn't great at presents. I love presents and have found this difficult in the past. I've now largely accepted this and choose myself something nice and suggest he buys it for me. I've got a nice gift for Valentine's, would rather he had spontaneously bought something thoughtful himself, but there are lots of other positive sides to his personality so I've accepted this. Nobody is perfect, I'm sometimes grumpy but he puts up with me!

EastDulwichWife · 13/02/2018 16:13

Do you actually want anything from Tesco?

Raindancer411 · 13/02/2018 16:14

Have you spoke to him about how you feel?

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/02/2018 16:16

What the fuck is wrong with some posters on this thread?!? How the fuck is it ‘grabby’ (which by the way is a stupid fuckwitty bellendy word) to want your husband to give a shit about you?! Her present to him cost £25.. it’s not a fucking fortune. She doesn’t want him to pop to Tiffany she wants him to care

OP - he doesn’t care. He spends a lot of thought and money on his mum and sister and none on you. Listen to what he is telling you. He doesn’t give a shit.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/02/2018 16:17

Oh and Holly you’re coming across as an ignorant prick. HTH.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 13/02/2018 16:18

It was seriously windy and cold out there when I struggled to pick up the Yoga mat, but I really wanted to see him smile as I knew he wanted it.

Actually you aren't being a martyr, you're milking it a bit now, OP Grin You collected a yoga mat from the shop - you didn't part the Red Sea.

yorkshireyummymummy · 13/02/2018 16:19

I think you probably need to have a talk with him re gifts and expectations.
My husband is autistic so needs it spelling out.
We keep it simple.
We do cards on our birthdays and our wedding anniversary but NOT Christmas or the commercial enterprise which is called Valentine’s Day.

We do presents on birthdays and Christmas. We set a certain £ budget. And we both know the ‘rules’ so there’s no awful ‘ whoops thanks for the card and present but I didn’t get you anything ‘ moment.

Although I must admit, I have been and bought the M&S £20 dine in meal ( starter-mussels , main -sirloin steak, side-triple cooked chips, pudding- Dutch apple tart, wine- a bottle of pink cava ) which we will eat tomorrow.
The first year we were together I got him some dairy milk and he got me a cd single I wanted. Friends were horrified , they got each other giant padded cards and went and chose £100 worth of lacy underwear for her. They have been divorced for eight years now.

BroomHandledMouser · 13/02/2018 16:20

@MyKingdomForBrie

Some clearly think that presents aren’t the be all and end all of a fucking relationship. HTH

Lovemusic33 · 13/02/2018 16:21

I remember your Christmas thread, I like chutney and didn’t see a huge issue with it, he could have put more effort in I guess.

I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day, maybe that’s because I’m single but never really been too bothered.

At least he offered to take you to the cinema, I would prefer that then a rubbish card, maybe he can stretch to something to eat after?