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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
grannytomine · 13/02/2018 15:00

We've never bothered with Valentine's Day, commercialized event designed to get people to spend money. I wish I could convince my kids that Mother's Day is the same and I don't need 4 over priced bouquets and I would rather they used the money for themselves.

JaneEyre70 · 13/02/2018 15:00

Why are you buying him thoughtful gifts when you know that he won't do the same? Just stop. Stop buying him cards, presents and making any effort at all, he doesn't deserve it. Some people just aren't thoughtful in that way, so treat them the same. And save gift buying for people you know will appreciate it.
Take the mat back, and throw the card in the bin. If you have zero expectation, you won't ever be disappointed.

Motoko · 13/02/2018 15:04

When you get to where we are - you can have an opinion love. It's the little things in life - not Hallmark.

Load of fucking bollocks.

Iloveacurry · 13/02/2018 15:07

Take the yoga mat back and get a refund.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/02/2018 15:07

I'd take the mat back & only give him cards on special occasions now.

10 for a £1 in card factory ones.

Olympiathequeen · 13/02/2018 15:08

I guess the really important thing is how he treats you every other day of the year?

TalkinPeace · 13/02/2018 15:10

Hence the half hearted offer of a trip to the cinema which he has now decided it's too late for.
Wow you really are a glass half empty person !!!

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/02/2018 15:11

Take back the mat and screw Valentine's Day. It's commercial crap!
You had a point at Xmas about the chutney.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 13/02/2018 15:11

I couldn't care less about Valentine Cards, but I get it that some people do.

The crux appears to be: Is he a thoughtless twat most of the year who doesn't take the opportunity to show you how much he appreciates and loves you; or is he a really good and decent egg who is loving and kind throughout the year but is a bit shit at the romance and flowers once a year?

Depending on which one he is (or mostly is) is key I guess?

happiestcamper · 13/02/2018 15:12

My dp says he says he loves me everyday and buys me gifts when he finds something thoughtful that I will love and not when the card shops put there prices up. I have to agree with this. He does buy our daughter a gift every year though Hmm

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 13/02/2018 15:12

It's not until tomorrow!

CollyWombles · 13/02/2018 15:18

A lot of men are terrible at gifts. And women before anyone jumps on me! I got my DH a gift that's actually for both of us, one of those twee his and her necklace thingies. It will do Grin saves him the 'oh I forgot' line!

BarbaraofSevillle · 13/02/2018 15:20

My dp says he says he loves me everyday and buys me gifts when he finds something thoughtful that I will love and not when the card shops put there prices up. I have to agree with this

And so do I.

A male colleague is all about the grand gestures, always sending cards, flowers and chocolates to his current DW/partner on Valentines Day etc, in the most public way possible, ie to the office (one of his ex DWs also works here).

Sadly, he also spends all the rest of the time moaning about pretty much everything they say and do and from the kind of shit he comes out with, it is also patently cleat that he has zero respect for women in general. But at least he buys flowers on valentines day, hey?

LEELULUMPKIN · 13/02/2018 15:20

I know that I won't be getting anything material, don't want or need it, however my DH has just told me that I will be getting a gift beyond price. A do whatever the bloody hell I like day. Costs nowt but as the parents of a wonderful Son with severe SN, I can't tell you how much it means. It's just luck that his day off has fallen tomorrow and believe me he does more than his fair share anyway. Is that an option OP? Can you just have a do sod all day? Its free and shows love far more imo.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 15:24

Well he picked up on how annoyed I was and I told him i don't know what his mother's secret is because she does nothing, I said he doesn't seem to want to bother to engage with me and I got on packing for my London trip. He has now gone out but even if he does come back with a gift and card it's no good now. I haven't the heart for it. I want him to WANT to buy me small decent gifts. If I have to have a strop them it's just not worth it. I've left and yoga mat and card in.my wardrobe.un written and unwrapped.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 13/02/2018 15:26

Well you seem determined to be miserable so I hope you enjoy it.

BuckysRoboticArm · 13/02/2018 15:27

Why does it have to be one way or the other?

My dp contributes and helps me out every day, asks how I am and tells me he loves me every day, randomly buys me a gift if he sees something I like during the year........AND he celebrates valentines, xmas etc chooses thoughtful gifts/writes lovely words in the card. All because he wants to, not because I expect it.

All this "my partner does the dishes and will do thoughtful things in the year, not when Lord Hallmark says so" bullshit is so boring now, as if that's so much better than those who appreciate a card. 😴 You can do both you know. There's nothing wrong with celebrating holidays if you want to.

AyeAyeFishyPie · 13/02/2018 15:27

Holly if you speak to people in real life in the same manner as you have spoken to the OP then someone needs to have a word with you.

OP I was you 4 years ago. I got my arse handed to me when I posted a similar thread. However, for me it comes down to 2 things:

  1. If gift-giving/expressions of love are important to you then no, VD isn't the end of the world IF he makes similar gestures at other points. I wouldn't mind not getting flowers on VD if I got them at other times of the year for no reason.
  2. People posting about how VD/gift buying means nothing to them are somewhat irrelevant. They matter to you. Therefore I fail to understand why your OH can't just suck it up and do the stuff that makes you happy.

However - I have no idea why you don't say anything to him. He isn't a mind reader. I had endless rows with my DH until we got each other better. He probably hasn't got me anything for tomorrow, but he surprises me at other times and I really appreciate the effort.

Bottom line: I think he is being poor. But I think you need to be more upfront. Don't play the martyr.

eggsandwich · 13/02/2018 15:28

Right you need a good old fashion argument, tell him your pissed off with him not bothering about your birthday, Christmas, valentine etc cards and gifts and not only is it upsetting but also disrespectful, from now on do not help him with ANY gift ideas or buying when it comes to his family as he makes no effort for you and seems to expect you to think his bad gift buying or forgetfulness endearing.

If he forgets or buys you something with no thought or effort involved for god sake tell him don’t stay silent, and do not give him the card or mat take it back for a refund and see if he notices that he’s got nothing.

In future the money you use to purchase his gifts use to buy yourselves something, take the mat back tomorrow and buy yourself a big bunch of flowers and stick them on the dinner table so you can’t see his prick of a face when your eating.

HollyBayTree · 13/02/2018 15:29

cheery who made you the internet police ? I really dislike gobshites who sit behind a keyboard, slinging out insults and giving it the big-i-am to all and sundry, unable to cohenrantly string together two words without peppering with profanities. Kiss your kids with that mouth ? Ugh.

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2018 15:31

who made you the internet police?

Oh the irony. From the poster who said someone else didn't get to have an opinion.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 13/02/2018 15:32

When you get to where we are - you can have an opinion love. It's the little things in life - not Hallmark.

I cringed at that. Did you mean to sound so twee and patronising? Hmm

alotalotalot · 13/02/2018 15:33

But you want him to value gifts in the same way as you do and he obviously doesn't. If he now makes the effort then that shows his love for you because he is willing to do something for you that isn't important to him.
Perhaps he does things for his mother because she has set him straight many years ago. Until now, you didn't seem bothered to him. Appreciate it if he does make an effort to put things right now he knows.
Don't dwell on wanting him to want to do it. It's just great if he does it anyway despite it not being important to him. You seem to want the impossible.

RedDogsBeg · 13/02/2018 15:35

OP, you had plenty of good, sound advice on your thread about the Christmas Chutney, the fact that you have clearly not listened or applied any of it is why you are in the same place now.

Either deal with things once and for all, as advised on your previous thread or accept that this is the way things will always be and put up with it. Those are your choices.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2018 15:37

It's not valentine day yet, there still time. however I remember your chutney thread and I don't hold out much hope😪😪😪

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