Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 18 19

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:

RickOShay · 14/02/2018 07:50

Are you ok Frantically?
That sounds pretty harsh.

squarecorners · 14/02/2018 07:53

I've never got anything for valentines in ten years, except for the year that he was having an affair when he bought a card and never sent it. For Christmas I got a bag I bought myself which he didn't bother to wrap.

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/02/2018 07:54

It's been said up the thread , OP you need to grow up. A Lot. VD is money spinner for card companies and cuddly toy manufacturers.

Other than your histrionics round xmas, VD (And I suppose we have Mothers Day and your birthday to look forward to) is your husband generally a good father and husband? OR is just that you desire a wilted bunch of daffs from the petrol station?

frumpety · 14/02/2018 07:56

Oh crap I have forgotten its valentines day , hope DH has too , thought I was on a winning streak remembering pancake day

DwangelaForever · 14/02/2018 07:59

Disrespect because he didn't buy you a present for a holiday taken over by card companies and chocolate manufacturers to make money? Wow.

Does he show you love and affection the rest of the year? Does he contribute to the household, listen to your worries, fears etc. Does he support you as a partner, lover, friend etc?

Some people just aren't as wired in to buying presents just because it's the appropriate thing to do because the rest of the world says so (Christmas, Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries etc)

Tablesturned · 14/02/2018 08:04

I get that he is thoughtless and I would be insulted if my partner had bought me chutney for Christmas. However I can’t believe you happily accepted the chutney and if I remember correctly he was quite pleased with himself.

It sounds like he is completely oblivious and will probably never know how you feel because you don’t want to tell him.

KERALA1 · 14/02/2018 08:04

All quite martyr like op. Dh is amazing at presents but not a mind reader so I email him a wish list a few weeks before Christmas and birthday for which he is grateful he's a busy man.

The on,y time I remember people acting like this (huffing and moaning about presents they didn't get which they hadn't actually asked for) was a few friends when we were in our teens / early twenties and none of those relationships worked out long term.

twinnymommy · 14/02/2018 08:10

Give the yoga ma

twinnymommy · 14/02/2018 08:13

Sorry meant to say give the yoga mat to his mother as a birthday present

Original poster

lilypoppet · 14/02/2018 08:19

I did tell him how I feel. (Although I didn't mention the chutney gift). He was offended and we're not speaking. So that went well. The yoga mat is going back to the store on Monday.

OP posts:

jaseyraex · 14/02/2018 08:22

OP, you simply have to tell him that you'd like him to start making an effort on special occasions. Tell him you want a card and a bunch of flowers or whatever it may be that you're after. It might be unromantic but if you continue to pretend it's fine then you can expect this year after year. Will you be on here on every occasion to tell us what he has or hasn't bought you?

If he's great in other ways, then I think the gift giving is irrelevant.

Corblimeyguv · 14/02/2018 08:23

Valentines Day is really not very romantic, is it, given that everyone is under pressure to be romantic on this particular day. Being romantic comes from the individual and should be spontaneous, not prompted by a card shop.

We have a ban on fluffy teddies and cards for this exact reason. Anyone can pop to the shops and buy a fluffy teddy, absolutely zero thought or imagination goes into that.

My DH, in our earlier years, flying across the world to see me for a weekend- that was romantic.

OP, maybe focus on the real romantic moments? What has he done for you that he did just because it made you smile? There must have been some of those moments because you’re with him now...

Scabbersley · 14/02/2018 08:25

Dh bought me a dozen red roses, the proper naff ones from the garage style. I'm 52 and that's the first time I've ever had red roses on valentines day. I'm quite chuffed!

Cambionome · 14/02/2018 08:27

Right. Next anniversary/birthday/ Christmas remind him - with plenty of notice - that you have been upset by his -pathetic- gift giving over the last few months, and explain that it would mean a lot to you to be shown a bit of affection and attention in this way.

If he still doesn't step up, I would let him know in no uncertain terms how I felt (and especially about the fact that he is able to make an effort for his mother).

I have a lot of sympathy for you over the way he has behaved, but you do sound as if some of your problems at least stem from poor communication.
Make sure that he is in absolutely no doubt how pissed off you are!

halfacup · 14/02/2018 08:28

Is this really worth falling out over? My husband has been in a minimally conscious state for 11 months and he may never emerge from that. I feel lucky if I get a smile. Just be grateful for what you have 365 days of the year and stop worrying about 1 day fueled by commercialism.

Original poster

lilypoppet · 14/02/2018 08:31

Well every one said tell him how you feels, so I did and the result was he was offended.

OP posts:

RhiWrites · 14/02/2018 08:31

Its not “just one day”. It’s a relentless pattern of OP never being considered ir thought of that is brought into sharp relief at times like Xmas, birthdays and Valentine’s Day where the rest of the world appears to be enjoying a loving thoughtful relationship and she gets Tesco value chutney.

Butterymuffin · 14/02/2018 08:32

OK. He's now got the hump because you've spoken up for the first time about his half-arsed efforts. Not surprising, because till now it looked like you were fine with him doing the most convenient thing for him (the chutney, the trip to the cinema at a time he wanted to go but no other). So you need to ride this out and then keep communicating with him about it. No going silent and smiling bravely. Tell him when the dust has settled that you deserve more than lame efforts, that this is important to you, and you want it to be different in future. For today, do whatever you can to make it nice for yourself. Resolve that this is going to be the turning point. No more martyrdom.

Nikephorus · 14/02/2018 08:33

Because telling someone you want them to buy you a proper present is seriously unromantic
Or maybe it's just communicating when you have different expectations and desires.

HollyBayTree · 14/02/2018 08:35

Tell him you want your favourite perfume Eau de Burning Martyr.

You have skilfully avoided the question though - is he generally a good husband in every day matters and just oblivious and crap at present buying?

Cambionome · 14/02/2018 08:36

That sounds awful halfacup - really feel for you, but with all due respect you (and many others) are missing the point.

It doesn't matter whether V Day is a ridiculous commercialised occasion or not. What matters is that the op feels hurt and upset that her dh is able to put thought and effort into buying gifts for others but not for her. When she has tried to explain this he has gone off in a temper.

I personally couldn't give a flying fuck for V Day but I would be hurt if my dh behaved with so little consideration towards my feelings.

Cambionome · 14/02/2018 08:37

Actually, exactly what Butterymuffin said.

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 08:37

Take the yoga mat back and buy yourself something.

Write in the card

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I bought you a yoga mat
But took it back because you’re too tight/bone idle to buy me anything, and you bought me some crappy chutney for Christmas too, so from now onwards I’m not buying you anything, or making any effort and I’ll put all my money and effort into treating myself

halfacup · 14/02/2018 08:40

Is he good at everything else are you generally happy? Either you are not happy and you need to re-evaulate your life together, or you are generally happy and he is bad at present buying in which case it really is not worth falling out over. Some blokes are just rubbish at presents .I would give anything for my husband to buy me a jar of chutney.

Beelzebop · 14/02/2018 08:40

The problem is not the present though is it? You need more love from him, not presents.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 18 19