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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No Valentine gift not even a card.

456 replies

lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 13:19

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

OP posts:
DoubleLottchen · 13/02/2018 20:05

YearOfYouRemember no, I don't give birthday cards to the people I live with. I do send them to others if I am not spending their birthday with them in person.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/02/2018 20:08

It’s really not relevant that lots of you don’t care about Valentine’s Day. The OP is clearly trying to say that she feels her DH doesn’t give a shit about her and there is relevant background to this.

timeismovingon · 13/02/2018 20:12

What I really don't understand about posters who start threads about how rubbish their partners are re giving cards/presents/flowers etc is that when asked it seems to always transpire that they make a big effort for their partners. Just why? Surely if your partner is like this it indicates that he isn't bothered about these things and if that's the case he won't mind getting little attention/nothing for valentines/birthdays/christmas. Why do people repeat the same thing and then get disappointed when they get the same result?!

Pluckedpencil · 13/02/2018 20:21

I love the chocolates on the yoga mat idea!

But if I am honest I would just say 'enjoy your last ever Valentine's gift' and vow to myself it was the last present I bought for them. Then on every occasion, you treat yourself to something you want that is in budget and save it for the day. Something that will make you smile.and honestly fuck it, romantic it is not, but it will save a lifetime of time spent present hunting followed by disappointment.

Motoko · 13/02/2018 21:25

Surely if your partner is like this it indicates that he isn't bothered about these things

But he buys his mother and sister expensive gifts! And he enjoys receiving gifts.
That's why OP is upset.

SJN71 · 13/02/2018 21:37

You need to respect his choice not to engage with it

But it sounds like it’s not because he doesn’t agree with it like you, more like he just can’t be arsed and is thoughtless. Also if he knows (and I’m picking he does) that its important to the OP why can’t he just get her a card FGS? How hard is it to make your OH feel important for one day in a year? One year my DH didn’t get me a card (because I’d told him not to bother buying me a gift or flowers and he took that to mean card as well) and I was extremely upset too because like the OP I try to be very thoughtful getting him things and its not nice when you don’t feel appreciated in return. Was in a jewellery shop a couple of days later and he ended up buying me a Pandora sparkly ring to make up for it - he never forgot again ;-)

MorganKitten · 13/02/2018 21:42

St Valentine was clubbed and stoned when this didn't kill him he was beheaded.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 21:55

Thank you for the support and the virtual chocolate. I'm just going to enjoy the trip to London and make sure I don't bother next year. I'll take the Yoga mat back and maybe think of someone to give the card to

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 13/02/2018 22:07

As mentioned up thread, is he generally a good egg? A nice, loving, decent man who's crap at buying you 'special' presents or a thoughtless twat who doesn't take your feelings into account all year round?

If it's the first, then YABU, in my view; if it's the latter, then V-Day presents don't matter a jot anyway

OP, is he a good, caring person generally?

Didiusfalco · 13/02/2018 22:52

I remember your xmas thread. Chutney is just about okay as a secret Santa or if you had actually asked for it, otherwise it’s thoughtless and fairly shit.

Do you feel that he doesn’t consider you in general and then these occasions prove it? My dh is rubbish at gift buying but he’s generous so I just choose my own gift from him, more to the point he is great in other ways - I’m getting the impression yours isn’t?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2018 23:00

I think you've made a wise decision lily.

Personally I'd probably burn the card as a symbolic gesture of 'A new day, a new attitude'. But I'm weird like that.

Lizzie48 · 13/02/2018 23:02

His behaviour to you does seem shitty, @lilypoppet I'm so sorry. I'm not surprised you're upset. It's not just about Valentine's Day. Thanks

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/02/2018 23:09

Bettedavis eyes. Seeing as I'm not speaking to him tonight I'd say no I don't think he's a good egg.

OP posts:
MsHarry · 13/02/2018 23:10

Did he say anything on his return op?

Baubletrouble43 · 13/02/2018 23:15

All events like birthdays valentines etc we have the same system. I choose my present, buy it, then tell dp how much money he needs to give me to reimburse. It works out great! I realised early on that he's crap at buying presents/ cards and " doing" birthdays. Took me a little while to realise it doesn't mean he doesn't care. Me, I love the present buying gesture stuff, but we are all different.

Baubletrouble43 · 13/02/2018 23:16

Like didius says, as long as he cares in other ways....?

Badtimegirly · 13/02/2018 23:21

I would get a refund on the yoga mat, send yourself some flowers via a delivery service and when he comes home thank him for the beautiful flowers he sent (you can see where I'm going here can't you!)

Wrap up the stinky jar of chutney and give it to him for Valentines. Revenge is a dish best served cold of in this case with some cheese and crackers!

You lovely lady need a pair of steel toe capped boots, and start walking over him instead of the other way round when it comes to his flimsy attitude and excuses. Time to toughen up, you are not a doormat.

RealityHasALiberalBias · 13/02/2018 23:21

This is a completely ridiculous problem, and so was the chutney one.

I think OP is trolling.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2018 23:30

I’m giving OP the benefit of the doubt reality as posters around here often realise they’re m with selfish twatty partners/husbands over issues like this.

OP don’t give him anything tomorrow. No more cards, no more gifts. Or if you really want to make a point (and it hasn’t already been suggested) give him the same or a new set of chutney, but still no card.

Don’t mention it. Don’t discuss it if he asks. No. More. Fucking. Gifts.

He’ll learn. Or he won’t. He’s being a thoughtless dick and he’s showing you time and again where you rank in his priorities. Don’t put up with it and be a martyr. You’ll hate yourself when he’s the one in the wrong.

Itssosunny · 13/02/2018 23:31

Stop buying gifts for him for Christmas or Valentines. I did it and it feels much better.

Wdigin2this · 13/02/2018 23:34

Yes we all know, you shouldn't need a special day to show your love, but for goodness sake a card is not too much to ask, just to show a little extra care!

I'd wait to see if he really doesn't give you something thoughtful, and if not, bin the card, take the mat back, and buy yourself a lovely bouquet of flowers! After that, accept, that he's not into VD, and get yourself sent flowers every year!

TriniRedVelvet · 13/02/2018 23:38

DH and I don't do Valentines day but for Christmas, birthdays etc I provide a list of four or five acceptable gifts and he picks one. Sometimes he picks 2. We also have set price limits for prezzies. If you smile and pretend you like the chutney you'll keep getting chutney because he thinks you like it.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 13/02/2018 23:39

Seeing as I'm not speaking to him tonight I'd say no I don't think he's a good egg

But is that tied into the whole V-day thing? Because of him buying a present tonight rather than before? Are you not speaking to him for a different reason? Is 'not speaking to him' the best way to resolve anything?

I - and PP - have tried to ask you what he's like otherwise, away from the isolated issue os 'buying gifts for a special day.'

Is he one of the good guys? Is he decent, caring and kind? Or a total thoughtless twat for most of the year?

SummerRoberts · 13/02/2018 23:51

It isn't even Valentine's Day yet!

BackforGood · 13/02/2018 23:58

Really struggling to find any sympathy for you OP

Some people might rate their dh's love for them by the size / regularity of presents, and others don't. In a way that isn't the issue. The issue is, you were gutted by his present at Christmas, yet you pretended to like it, even though you seem to fall into the 'judging a person by their gift buying skills' category. Even after the day / week / month, you've still chosen not to sit down and have a calm chat about how you feel / that the present is important to you.

YABVU to expect anyone to somehow telepathically absorb the fact that your actual feelings are different from the feeling you display.

YABU to start a 2nd thread about the same issue, without taking on board any advice about the issue from the first thread.

YAalsoBU to not answer questions which will help posters try to understand, and offer advice (like if you've been together for years or if this is a new relationship - and has the present giving changed.... and like - what is the rest of the relationship like - both of which are pretty relevant to the way posters will answer).

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