No Valentine gift not even a card.

[lilypoppet]

Me again. At Christmas you were all kind enough to reply when my DH have me chutney for Christmas. Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead? Only it'll have to be this afternoon because he needs an early night before work tomorrow. I've got him a card and a Yoga mat I know he really wanted. I even went out in the rain and carried it back from cliick and collect. I am so sick of his disrespect. AIBU?

A card and my favourite magazine do me for Valentines. I dont buy into the concept so would hate him to spend money but I would be very upset if he didnt pony up for at least that

Look, he doesn't give a shit.

He just sees you as an extension of himself, a kind of home appliance/Alexa thing if you will. He doesn't need to spend money on you. You know the real 'him' and the real home life, so what's the point?

MIL and SIL are external. They represent 'outside' people whose opinion matters, he wants to impress them and give the impression that he has more than he does, that he is a differnet kind of person to the one he is.

You know the truth so it's a waste of money.

He's shallow, selfish, stupid.

Enjoy London and focus on other people, it's not worth getting upset over him - you're clearly not losing the regard of anyone worth having.

I told him i don't know what his mother's secret is because she does nothing

That's an awful comment to make. She will always be his mum, the woman who carried him, raised him etc. The reality is girlfriends come and go but she will forever be his parent.

If you want a man that will shower you with gifts, then go and find one. Personally I would hope people look for more than that in a partner.

As for going out in the wind and rain shopping, you were shopping not saving the world.

Best VD gift I ever had was looking out of the window in the morning to find my DH who had left for work had scraped my frosty windscreen into a heart and written "I love you MsHarry" in it. He is quite shy about public displays of affection so I was really touched.

That's lovely...but you still had to scrape the rest of the frost to be able to drive the car!

Oh yellow I disagree. He is now a grown man!! My Dh always remembers his mum on her birthday and Mother's Day but doesn't treat her better than me. OP is his wife not girlfriend!

Ha Ha yes Cherry the bloody cheek!!

My husband is a shit present buyer too. And I actually couldn't care less, because in all the ways that matter he's amazing. He's thoughtful, hardworking, respectful, listens to me....I could go on but it sounds boastful! He just has no idea what sort of material stuff I like and unless something gets added to his Outlook calendar, he's not aware of dates. So I don't focus on it, much the same way as he doesnt focus on my failings.

If he's a good man and you love each other OP, don't let this present buying stuff spoil what you do have: A good man is hard to find!

I love these threads. Disappointed women who have the same expectations every year then go all sulky when they get let down. Seriously, your relationship must be shit if this bothers you. What's wrong with a nice chutney!?

Is this a new relationship? Or you have been together for some years?

You need to actually TALK to your husband. Honestly, openly. Tell him it hurts you and bloody well sort it out rather than moaning that nothing has changed since christmas when you have done nothing to make things change!

There are two of you in this marriage, talk to each other. He isn't a mind reader!

@BroomHandledMouser

Not obtuse in the slightest Kingdom
Thanks though smile

It's not about the present, it's the thought behind the present that counts. Thought which the H displays for his Mum and sis but not his wife. If you can't see that then I'm afraid you are being obtuse.

Only read 1st and last page so forgive me if I'm wrong but isn't it his mothers birthday next week? Its valentines day not your birthday. I would be upset if he never showed any affection towards you, not because he didn't buy you anything. It does sound a little shallow OP.

Op I get you’re down but you just sound so negative and a bit of a misery, to be honest.
You should talk to your dh and tell him how upset you are.
The fact that he’s gone to get you something should mean something. He could’ve thought fuck it and not bother but he is bothering.
Maybe he just didn’t get it because you’ve never said anything?

Today he said he realised he hadn't got me anything, so did I want to go to the cinema tonight instead

He has now gone out but even if he does come back with a gift and card it's no good now. I haven't the heart for it

Hang on. It's not even Valentine's Day yet.

If I said to DH, I haven't got you anything yet, let's go and watch a film together' and he moaned that it wasn't 'special enough' so I then said I would go out and buy a nice present and card and he STILL wasn't happy because apparently there's a special window in which I was supposed to have done it, I'd feel a bit bloody wrung out by it all to be honest.

As mentioned up thread, is he generally a good egg? A nice, loving, decent man who's crap at buying you 'special' presents or a thoughtless twat who doesn't take your feelings into account all year round?

If it's the first, then YABU, in my view; if it's the latter, then V-Day presents don't matter a jot anyway.

Best VD gift I ever had was looking out of the window in the morning to find my DH who had left for work had scraped my frosty windscreen into a heart and written "I love you MsHarry" in it. He is quite shy about public displays of affection so I was really touched

Exactly. That's my kind of Valentine's Day present.

I have the opposite issue, DP came into the bathroom while I was having a soak in the bath (his suggestion) with a card and some chocolate roses (I questioned why today, he decided because he's on nights tonight and tomorrow, so will be asleep through the day, he'd give me them today).
I had to dash out to Morrisons for a card, and I got him some heart shaped crumpets and a pink candy apple so I'll do his breakfast for him getting back tomorrow morning and home that gets me off the hook! Bad girlfriend Peapod!! don't remember ever doing anything for valentines before, but have found cards going back several years in a box full of sentimental crap

Playing the silent martyr treatment never works. Men don't usually read minds. If it's important to you warn him in advance, give a list to choose from, of what you would like and do it like that. But if you've been long enough to have kids together, that are old enough to ask an opinion on your present, you either A should already know what hes like and lower your standards B brought it up years ago or C come to the conclusion that he's familiar with you and doesn't think you need proving to of his love, if thats the case again TALK, TALK and TALK again. Also i think if he's asked your daughter for her opinion, he's just not good at choosing presents. His mum and sis are probably good at letting him know what they want or it's obvious.

I made it clear to my dp when our first valentines came about that I do like a card but don't expect to be taken out/lavish gifts. I know some women don't and I don't think his ex with bothered so I spelt it out that first year because men need it spelling out most of the time because they don't get "hints."

I think he got me some roses too which was a lovely surprise but wasn't expected.

He knows I like a card because I told him I like a card. Valentines to me isn't about expensive gifts.

I don't really get cards when you already live with the person. Cards are really a substitute for being able to say something in person imo.
It's like sending your partner a postcard when you are on holiday together.

If my DH made a fuss because I hadn't bought him a valentine's card or present, my face would be like this . If he teased me about it, maybe that would make me think again the next year, but throwing a strop about it? (btw I have never bought him a valentine's card, the thought makes me cringe.)

Mind you, I clearly don't know anything because I have actually given DH chutney for Christmas before. He seemed happy with it, but maybe he was actually smiling bravely.

It's nothing like sending a postcard. Do you not exchange birthday cards either, DoubleLottchen.

Last year it was me who forgot Valentine's Day lol. My DH has never forgotten to give me a card, but he's not bothered about going out. I'd be delighted if he suggested a trip to the pictures tbh.

It does sound like a recurring theme in your marriage, though, OP.

Am I missing something, its not Valentines Day till tomorrow?

You are a grown-up, Valentines nonsense is commercial gimmic to get gullible public buy crap.
Get over it.

God - not fucking Chutney Man again!!

I am still livid on your behalf after your Christmas thread.

Now you need to really tell him how you feel about it. He can be bothered for his mother, he can be bothered for you.

Don't be passive, don't sulk and don't be a martyr. Absolutely lay it on the line how you feel about it.

(And everyone else saying they are not bothered about V day - that's totally irrelevant. The op does care and she's entitled to have her feelings taken into account).

@lilypoppet  sending you virtual chocolate. I am so surprised by some of the responses you are getting here. Clearly a lot of people haven't actually read your posts properly as you aren't complaining about your DH not celebrating Valentine's Day (as is the case for many couples & not that unusual). My DH hasn't got me a gift but I've made him something small for tomorrow. However, your situation isn't about Valentine's Day. I understand it that you are upset because of other times too. Not celebrating Valentine's Day is one thing, being given a pot of chutney & a £2 toiletry for Christmas is another & I think most people would be upset by that unless you specifically wanted chutney!

What have previous birthdays and christmases been like? It sounds as though you've been together for a long time- has it always been this way? Is he just having a blip?

Following one year way back many many years ago before I met DH, when everyone forgot my birthday,I started a new thing. I started buying myself something nice in the lead up to my birthday. It doesn't have to be big but I don't open it until my birthday so even if everyone forgets, I know I still have something nice to open later that evening. It doesn't resolve the issue of the upset of someone forgetting/not making an effort but it does help a little to make sure you have something nice to look forward to!