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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?

336 replies

Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 12:36

I speak as one who couldn't. Ttc for 10 years. It broke my heart. But I healed. I have a different perspective on things now. I feel there were worse things that could have befallen us, being diagnosed terminal cancer (OH did have cancer but it eas treatable fortunately) motor neuron disease, being paralysed in an accident. We live lives of joy and dignity.. We have created a great marriage and I'm proud of that. I love spending time with my nephew.

But society seems to view being childless by choice as a fate worse than death. Something not to be accepted but fought against at all cost. . If you're not prepared to go to any lengths to have a child you can't have really wanted one in the first place....

OP posts:
SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 13/02/2018 17:55

Those who are childless through circumstance rather than choice and do see this as the end of the world - are you getting any help with your feelings at all? Is it useful?

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 18:01

Clearly what your friend said was totally out of order saska.

If you’re telling your infertile friends about the benefits of not having kids, you’re kidding yourself if you think that’s kind or helpful.

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 18:06

PurpleDaisies
Agreeing with them that it's not the end of the world and encouraging them to achieve other things is the only thing I can do PurpleDaisies

The worst thing anyone can do is put their life on hold for years TTC. If it doesn't happen, you will never get these years back and will have even more regrets.

Telling them to "try harder", "stop thinking about it and it will happen", try to drink whatever tea is supposed to be good for fertility is not helpful.

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 18:07

sorry, don't know why I put your name twice Blush

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 18:12

Saska you could always just say "I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time" and leave it at that. That would be preferable to your current tactic.

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 18:15

spiteful I've seen a psychologist.it was for work around my health but we talked a lot about the childlessness..it was helpful at the time I think but the feelings dont go away. I guess its more about learning to live with them and accepting life as it is but thats very much a process which im probably only at the beginning of. I think for me it seems hard for people to understand..ive never ttc, never had ivf.. I am just not well enough to care for a child but my health also impacts on my ability to live an alternative life too so its tricky.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2018 18:15

Women are always judged. The woman who cannot be judged does not exist in our society!

Childlessness is selfish, only having one is selfish, if your children have different fathers you are immoral, having all boys or all girls is awful, if you have more than two you are taking up too many of the earth's precious resources, and more than four is a record scratcher even on this forum. Two children is most generally approved of but you'd better be able to afford them, they'd better have the same Dad, they'd better be perfectly healthy, and make sure there isn't too big or small of an age gap... And I haven't even got into the lifestyle choices around having children - to work, or not to work. In many people's eyes you'll be a rotten person either way!

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 18:24

gatorade, you forgot, if you have them late in life you're selfish because don't you know it increases the chances of X Y Z Grin

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 18:27

Leiaorganashair
why do you seem to assume I am the one who starts the conversation and keep going on about it? We are not talking about a quick chit chat when you bump into someone in the street.

crunchymint · 13/02/2018 18:30

I am always amazed at those who say they have never been asked if they want children.

juddyrockingcloggs · 13/02/2018 18:40

The worst thing anyone can do is put their life on hold for years TTC. If it doesn't happen, you will never get these years back and will have even more regrets.

The best thing I did was put my life on hold TTC, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have the child I do now. I would have had far more regrets if I hadn't.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2018 18:49

you forgot, if you have them late in life you're selfish because don't you know it increases the chances of X Y Z

Oh yes! And if you have them too young you're probably promiscuous/let your family down/have no ambition. I knew there must be some judgements I'd missed Grin

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 18:50

10-12 years is a very long time to put your life on hold, especially if you are not successful.

Amummyatlast · 13/02/2018 19:12

I was ambivalent about having children until I had my first miscarriage. I then discovered how much I wanted that baby. And as the years went on with no more pregnancies, I always felt that there was nothing I could do with my life that would ever make up for me not having a child. And either a lifetime of depression or suicide was waiting for me. And I can't rationalise those thought. I don't know why I felt that way. But I did.

Then DD arrived. And I knew I had been right. I don't care about the lack of sleep, the frustrations, the lack of time for myself. Nothing could ever be worse than the future I had envisioned for myself. She fills my life with joy.

Every now and then I forget I have her and something drops me back into that dark place. And it's horrifying.

This all sounds extremely melodramatic and, honestly, it's not who I usually am. But infertility almost broke me.

ljlkk · 13/02/2018 19:19

People believe too much in IVF. It mostly doesn't work and even when it does work, it's a huge ordeal.

Being childless when you don't want to be does feel like the end of the world, ime

I guess that's the source of my empathy gap. I can't understand wanting children that badly. Not sure if I've wanted anything that badly. So many things I did want a lot I never got. For me, involuntary childlessness would be another big item on a big mountain of stuff I didn't get.

ScreamingValenta · 13/02/2018 19:27

I guess that's the source of my empathy gap. I can't understand wanting children that badly. Not sure if I've wanted anything that badly. So many things I did want a lot I never got. For me, involuntary childlessness would be another big item on a big mountain of stuff I didn't get.

^ This, yes - very much how I feel about the issue. I suppose some people must suffer an overwhelming maternal urge which if you've never felt, you can't comprehend.

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 19:29

ljkk I think for a lot of people it feels quite different to the other stuff you dont get/ cant have/experiences missed..I dont know for me its just a different desire/need thats much more intense than anything else I've experienced.

MadMags · 13/02/2018 19:30

I guess that's the source of my empathy gap. I can't understand wanting children that badly. Not sure if I've wanted anything that badly. So many things I did want a lot I never got. For me, involuntary childlessness would be another big item on a big mountain of stuff I didn't get.

This for me, too.

nokidshere · 13/02/2018 19:42

It depends on the starting point I think in terms of how devastating it would be. A couple who were "oh a baby would be nice shall we try and see what happens" might be less devastated than the couple who "are desperate for a baby"

I had never imagined my life without children in it. So I was totally devastated when, after 15yrs of ttc, the consultant bluntly said "go home there is nothing else we can do for you". I had no idea at that point where my life was going because we had totally focussed everything on getting pregnant and having a family. I had never been pregnant but I felt that never getting pregnant must have been so much easier than getting pregnant and losing it.

But I was equally devastated 2.5yrs later when I unexpectedly fell pregnant at the age of 40. We had spent that time coming to terms with being childless and making plans. Working out what our roles were to be since we couldn't be parents. I felt that my new freedom and peace that came from emotionally accepting that we would be childless had been snatched from under me. I had never had any intention of being an older parent. And we were thrown back into a world of stress and uncertainty.

And then I was still judged. For being an older parent, for having "bad days" because really, you spent all that time and money getting them god forbid you ever have the same moans as other parents about how tough it is sometimes. I've been mistaken for grandma more than once and people have asked us if it's our second marriage and have we started again.

No-one can say how another person would feel even if they were going through the same experience. It's so personal and individual. No-one has the right to question or placate another persons feelings.

I do like to believe the best of people though and feel sure that the comments such as "holidays, money and clean carpets" are said out of a misguided attempt at empathising rather than malice most of the time

Original poster
Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 19:51

Thank you all for replying.

I am certainly not living a stereotypical childfree life. I have a job not a career, I don’t have cream carpets or white sofas, we don’t do much travelling outside the UK as we have an elderly dog we don’t want to put in kennels so we go where we can take her with us. We do have weekend lie ins though.

My heart goes out to those of you who are not where I am. It has taken a long time and I do get moments of sadness still, But I also identify with the dodging a bullet comments. My mother developed dementia when I was in my late 40s. If we’d had children when we planned they would have been teens by the time mum’s dementia set in and it would not have been fun trying to cope with both.

Thank you all for your replies it’s been a really intersting thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 19:52

It depends on the starting point I think in terms of how devastating it would be. A couple who were "oh a baby would be nice shall we try and see what happens" might be less devastated than the couple who "are desperate for a baby"

I was not desperate to begin with, I was just sure it was going to happen. The desperation came later.

OP posts:
Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 19:53

It definitely depends on the starting point. For me, my parents' culture places a huge emphasis on motherhood. I wouldn't have wanted all the expectations of a new mother put on me, especially living outside that culture, but I probably did grow up with an expectation that I would have children. That probably wasn't helped by the main obstacle for me being I was single for so long, and my siblings both settled down and had children very quickly.

Original poster
Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 20:01

People believe too much in IVF. It mostly doesn't work and even when it does work, it's a huge ordeal.

Mostly the fault of the media. The media loves a miracle baby story or a new hope for childless couples headline but they are not interested in the other side of the story.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 20:05

I had someone tell me that my infertility was not as bad as their friend’s secondary infertility because “they knew what they were missing”. Nice.

OP posts:
DoJo · 13/02/2018 20:08

There are good points of not having children, there's only so many "I am so sorry for you" you can come up with.

Are there really only so many? I've never found myself running out of sympathy for anyone who is dealing with heartbreak, particularly the horrendous hope and disappointment cycle that infertility often brings which can last years and years and, for some, gets more painful as time goes on.

I've also never felt as though they needed to be reminded of what child-free life is like because they are already painfully aware of that, and actually they can't just go on holiday and enjoy a 'stress-free' life when they are spending all their money on IVF, need to be near a clinic to undergo treatment and are undergoing near-constant monitoring.

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