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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?

336 replies

Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 12:36

I speak as one who couldn't. Ttc for 10 years. It broke my heart. But I healed. I have a different perspective on things now. I feel there were worse things that could have befallen us, being diagnosed terminal cancer (OH did have cancer but it eas treatable fortunately) motor neuron disease, being paralysed in an accident. We live lives of joy and dignity.. We have created a great marriage and I'm proud of that. I love spending time with my nephew.

But society seems to view being childless by choice as a fate worse than death. Something not to be accepted but fought against at all cost. . If you're not prepared to go to any lengths to have a child you can't have really wanted one in the first place....

OP posts:
openbluewater · 13/02/2018 17:16

See the infertile are fair game, aren’t they saska?

Someone tells you their beloved mum passes away, would you say ‘sucks to be you’?

Or would you say ‘how awful, I’m so sorry. How are you coping? Can I help you out with anything?’

Someone tells you they are struggling to have a baby and ‘too bad’?

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 17:16

Often I wasn't the one to bring it up Saska, in my situation. The parent friends were.

But even if I had, there are lots of ways of being supportive without being doom and gloom or trying to make out like having kids isn't that great.

Rebeccaslicker · 13/02/2018 17:19

Why are some people missing a sensitivity chip? Do they actively enjoy being upsetting? Telling people who are explaining how they feel about infertility that kids aren't all that... seriously, WTF is wrong with you.

I know you can have a fantastic life with or without kids - I have friends who don't have kids, and I am an older mum, so had a long time without a child. I also have a couple of friends for whom it hasn't happened; I'd never ask them about it unless they wanted to tell me.

Surely all anyone can say is how it feels for them? And all everyone else can do is listen - it's not their story!

ScreamingValenta · 13/02/2018 17:19

I am childfree by choice and, now I've had a hysterectomy, the choice has become irrevocable. I'm not in the same position as someone who has suffered from infertility while wanting to conceive, but I would urge anyone in that position who feels it is the 'end of the world' at least to look at the experiences of the childfree-by-choice and try to take some positives from their outlook.

Childfree by choice doesn't have to mean having a high-flying career and a party lifestyle, or a minimalist house and a designer wardrobe (though if those appeal to you they are more accessible!). There are many low-key benefits, most of which come down to having greater freedom - freedom to keep your own hours (outside work) - freedom to spend your money as you wish; not having to factor a child's wellbeing into every decision you make; not having the stress that children can bring with health worries, bullying/emotional problems/falling in with the wrong crowd; not having to make financial provision for them or spend money on life-insurance - I could think of many others.

SoozC · 13/02/2018 17:20

It's not something I was yearning for when I was in my 20s, no, but I just assumed it would happen when DH and I were ready. I know some women say they are born to be a mum or not complete without being a mum but that was never my thinking. I just knew it would be brilliant when it happened and looked forward to when I'd be ready.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 17:22

The other thing that used to scare me is the whole old age thing.

One of my friends is currently fighting to get her elderly mother the care she needs. The care home are crap. If she wasn't on their case it's worrying to think how neglected her mother would be.

Me pre DD would have been bloody terrified by that.

openbluewater · 13/02/2018 17:23

I do understand people struggle to know what to say but that’s where the head tilt and the ‘oh no’ are handy.

I’ve had

You Could Just Adopt -no I couldn’t, plenty of perfectly competent parents would never get through an adoption panel. Besides, I want to be pregnant, give birth, breast feed.

Well Kids Are A Lot Of Work no shit Sherlock.

At Least You Get To (insert futile thing I’ve probably never wanted to do) yes, but what I want is to be a mother.

Le sigh.

openbluewater · 13/02/2018 17:24

Leia,my parents died very young and left me technically an orphan just before entering my twenties.

People actually said to me ‘at least you’ll never see them grow old.’

Wtf is WRONG with people!

SoozC · 13/02/2018 17:24

Okay, so people explain about their infertility and I even spoke about my miscarriage, but being told children are overrated by someone who has "several" is an absolutely fine response?!

tangledyarn · 13/02/2018 17:25

fluffi For me theres not a why, it's just a feeling. I actually can think of many more logical reasons not to have a child than to have one.. all the things people have mentioned already plus the state of the world, environmental issues, pressures on young people. But its not a logical thing its just an overwhelming feeling.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 17:26

openblue Shock I have no comeback to that. Wow. Some people just don't think before they open their mouths. Flowers

SoozC · 13/02/2018 17:28

Open, that is harsh beyond belief!

Gatecrasher61 · 13/02/2018 17:28

In my generation, if you couldn't have children there were no options. No IVF, no sperm banks nothing.

My "Grandparents" couldn't have children, so they adopted my Mum when she was 10 years old after her father died. It was the best thing that ever happened in her life.

Thing is now there is so much more that can be achieved, but in some ways I am not sure if that is a good thing. 40 years ago if you were infertile the options were adopt or just get on with life. Now because of IVF etc it seems in some cases to extend the heartache, especially if the IVF doesn't work. I think my generation had it better.

Lottapianos · 13/02/2018 17:28

'I do understand people struggle to know what to say'

I get what you're saying but you know what, they could always flaming well learn! Infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth - these are not exactly unheard of. People could do a little bit of putting brain in gear and trying to locate a tiny bit of empathy before responding to someone who is sharing personal and painful information. The 'oh well at least...' brigade give me the screams!

moominsareace · 13/02/2018 17:29

I struggled with infertility for 8 years before DD arrived. She is an only child. Would I have felt like the world had ended if she hadn't arrived - ABSOLUTELY. Without doubt. I don't know if my marriage would have survived, but my sanity wouldn't.

For many, sadly, involuntary childlessness is the end of the world.

openbluewater · 13/02/2018 17:30

Gate, but it was also much easier to adopt and you could adopt a baby.

That’s not a time I’d want to go back to, but it is a point worth making.

fluffiphlox · 13/02/2018 17:30

Tangled thanks for the reply. I do hope things work out for everyone on here.

Morphene · 13/02/2018 17:33

I don't have opinions on the ins and outs of kids or no kids by choice or not, but I do know it is NOT healthy for society to have such narrow definitions of 'success' in life....and it is the perpetuation of these definitions that causes misery to the people who can't have what society has told them they need in order to be 'complete' or 'successful', and also causes misery to those who have what society deems should make them happy when it was actually entirely the wrong path for them.

I really really wish there was a way to find out in a neutral environment whether parenting was going to be a positive experience for you. Flowers to all who are not living the (miss-sold) dream.

MadMags · 13/02/2018 17:38

Someone asked upthread why the feeling that you’d want to die? Why the all consuming want to be a mother.

And I think that’s what it comes down to.

If you haven’t experienced it, you won’t get it. And if you are experiencing it, you might not be able to explain why!

I’ve never wanted anything that much so I know I don’t get it.

Obviously that’s not to say that I’d want to live without my kids now. But these kids specifically, not just generally kids.

MadMags · 13/02/2018 17:39

and it is the perpetuation of these definitions that causes misery to the people who can't have what society has told them they need in order to be 'complete' or 'successful', and also causes misery to those who have what society deems should make them happy when it was actually entirely the wrong path for them.

I don’t think that’s necessarily right, judging from the responses on the thread. The almost visceral need people are describing.

Thehogfather · 13/02/2018 17:40

Some people are just insensitive wankers. I've been told that my abusive childhood wasn't that bad or even abusive because I had wealthy parents, and that I should be grateful I didn't grow up with loving, poor parents.

Also told that being a lone parent is so much easier because you don't have a dp round your neck. Not by people in abusive relationships which I can understand. One particularly who used nursery for a break, sahp with high earning husband and cleaners etc once told me that at least I had my evenings to myself after work.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 17:45

what do you want people to say? Honestly, when someone tells you they are in the middle of a fertility crisis and you have a baby, what exactly do you expect them to say? Suck to be you? Too bad? You don't know what you are missing?

There are good points of not having children, there's only so many "I am so sorry for you" you can come up with. There are opportunities opened when you don't have kids, it's not life your life must stop.

I hope to goodness you don’t have friends struggling with infertility. Nobody wants the benefits of not having children laid out for them. Have you seriously forgotten what it was like whenever you couldn’t conceive?

bastardlyandmutley · 13/02/2018 17:48

I agree that the very existence of IVF can be a double edged sword. It is almost seen as the silver bullet to the unitiated. The pressure to not give up because "if you really want a baby you will get there" was awful. It was so hard to give up and capitulate to my infertility. I had given it everything and couldn't go on but I still get pangs of what if I done X,Y and Z.

bastardlyandmutley · 13/02/2018 17:49

had done

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 17:53

PurpleDaisies
You are reading my posts the wrong way. Some people are trying to be kind, and I do mean that life doesn't have to be around children. If you are talking with friends, and don't like their answer when they don't really know what to say, what exactly do you expect from them?

I had an "infertile" friend coming up with "at least you got pregnant" when I lost a baby quite late in a pregnancy. Yeah, lucky me.

Why that constant need for competition? Dead baby better than no baby? jeez, some people are tragic.

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