To think my ex is an absolute prick

[ExFury]

I've NC'd for this in case anyone linked to my ex sees it, I don't want them to know my usual name.

I have two teenage DD's with ex. They've had an up and down relationship with him over the years. He goes through stages of being super attentive and then hardly seeing them for months. Things settled quite a bit when he got married 4 years ago. He moved 4 hours away, but he wanted the girls every other weekend and has been pretty regular at taking them. They get on well with their step-brother (similar age) and they now have a young half-brother who they adore.

His wife isn't the most welcoming to them, but she's not awful. She refuses to be an "unpaid babysitter" when ex is on call (he does 1 weekend every 12 weeks) so despite the fact he's been called out once in the last 3 years contact has to be cancelled on his on-call weekends. She spends every Christmas with her parents and won't "impose" the girls on them so they don't ever get to spend Christmas with them (this suits me, but the girls would like to spend 1 Christmas with their brothers). When they are there she's nice to them, she's just not particularly interested in them.

Last summer DH and I wanted to take the girls to Australia for a holiday. I asked if we could take them for 3 weeks and he said a straight no. So I tried to juggle round days, but with flights and the likes we decided to wait as messing with his contact weekend just wasn't worth the hassle. The girls were having a particularly good time with him and their new baby brother we felt it wasn't worth any arguments so we just went away for two weeks.

The girls were told by their step-brother at the weekend that they are all going to Australia on holiday next year. The girls were as hyper as anything and came home full of talk about it. The eldest even wondered if DH and I could go on holiday before or after that so they could get 4 weeks in Aus.

Got a text this morning from ex. He is going to Australia. His wife is going. His son and step-son are going. Unfortunately they are going when the girls are sitting their exams as it's the only time that fits in with his family (charming turn of phrase there) so unless I'm prepared to let them miss their standard grades and highers they won't be going with. Apparently he's sorry for the confusion. So, I get to tell them tonight (he won't tell them on the phone and I can't see them excited for over a week). Fucking prick.

Why the hell didn't DF put them straight at the weekend rather than string them along and drop this crap on them. I hope they get funnel webs in the swimming pool. (but not when HB wants a swim)

It's just an extra kick in the teeth that it's Australia isn't it? So he's effectively stopped them going not once but twice. When you go on a family holiday without your whole family you send a very clear message to the ones left behind and that causes lasting damage, possibly unrepairable. Certainly your daughters are unlikely to forget this and the way he made them feel. Too bad it's not important enough to warrant some time for a phone call. It's really no struggle to see why he's an ex tbh

As much as I feel for your DDs, I can't help but feel even more sorry for your XH's new child.

At least your DDs and their stepbrother have some sanity and sensible parenting in their lives in the form of you and his DF. This new child has your ex and his new wife as their parents... that poor child is doomed!

OP, is there a chance they picked Aus because you wanted to go there? Or do they have some connection to Aus? A bit of a coincidence isn't it.

I hope your daughters grow into successful, amazing women who regard him with the disdain he deserves.

I still can't believe he objected to your 3 weeks hol when he refused to have the girls on his on call weekends. And also deliberately often chose to be on call.

What a mess, I feel sorry for all 3 kids. They should be ashamed of themselves.

So sorry OP. However its good that your girls have you around them and have found out what hes like while they are relatively little still. They can now make their own decisions about him. And you held your dignity by not being the one to slag him off or dripfeed poison or adult conversations to them.

What a shit! And she’s one who gives stepmothers a bad name! Horrible paid!

Oh dear your poor girls. He has effectively stopped them from going to Australia twice now.

Yy to hoping that they can maintain a relationship with their SB and therefore via him their HB.

Sounds like he's a high earner. Yet his wife is going to pay for it all. Bullshit.

this is my feeling on it, but I'd put money on it getting the blame. In fact I've bet my DH £5 that he'll say his wife is paying from an inheritance and he can't afford to take the girls.

DH has bet me £5 in return that he'll just vanish off the face of the eart for a year or two and will never, ever mention it.

OP, is there a chance they picked Aus because you wanted to go there? Or do they have some connection to Aus? A bit of a coincidence isn't it.

I'm trying really hard to convince myself it's not this, but I can't help think it. He never goes on holiday except for a long weekend to a place they go every year. And his wife goes on holiday with her parents and extended family every year to the same place.

DD1 says Australia has never, ever been mentioned. This afternoon she brought up when her Dad wanted her to get the same iphone as her step-brother had got for his birthday.

DD had saved for ages and asked for a contribution to a certain phone. She was waiting until 4 weeks after her birthday to get it when it came out. She'd had a phone for a few years and really wanted a shiny new one. She takes good care of her stuff and was paying for more than half of it herself so I agreed. Her step-brother got the model before for his birthday and then after that her Dad said she shouldn't pay the extra for the new model because you are just paying for newness. He tried to insist on giving her a present for her birthday, even though he's always done money for birthdays, and only relented when I stepped in. Nothing more was said of it after that, but she's just asked me if I think that was about stopping her getting a better phone than step-brother and I can't help tink she's right.

I feel so bad. I genuinely thought he'd gotten better. He's a dick to me, and his wife is someone I'd never get on with, but it was always just among the adults. Other than the on call thing they were always, as far as I was aware, good to the girls when they had them.

I alway thought he'd finally grown up. Not in a "he was young so that was ok" way, but I had to grow up because I had the girls with me 24/7. He didn't have that so I thought finally he'd grown up and was being a decent Dad. But he wasn't. At all.

Do not underestimate the hurt - my 2 were excluded from a family holiday of EX with OW and her 2 DCs and their HB.

He said he could not afford to take everyone away - so I took ours to Spain for a week - he took her and the others to Barbados!!!!

Even snap chatted with their step sis who is lovely and she said where they were. They were gutted.

Sounds like you're at the tip of the ice berg for all the little things he's done to piss them off over the years.

Honestly I think you may have lost a fiver to your OH. xx

well isnt your ex a prize twat.

i feel sorry for the step son getting it in the neck as well!

i agree as well it was never about the tests, thats just a convient excuse!

the only thing i dont see anything wrong with was when you said he had to ask his wife about money for a school trip as its both of there money as there a family so would need to discuss it with her. I have a step daughter and if his ex was asking for extra money for a school trip (assuming it wasnt a tenner or something) then he would have to ask me aswell about what spare we had etc, not that i would say no but sometimes its not as simple as yea sure have an extra X amount when budgets are in place etc.

the only thing i dont see anything wrong with was when you said he had to ask his wife about money for a school trip as its both of there money as there a family so would need to discuss it with her. I have a step daughter and if his ex was asking for extra money for a school trip (assuming it wasnt a tenner or something) then he would have to ask me aswell about what spare we had etc, not that i would say no but sometimes its not as simple as yea sure have an extra X amount when budgets are in place etc.

What I meant by that is he'll have a cheek if he declares that his wife is paying for the holiday with "her" money (therefore saying they have separate funds) after not contributing £50 without talking to her first because everything is joint.

They can sort their money however they like - he just can't chop and change how they do it to suit himself.

@life I won't. I never knew my father, but I know he had another family so I know a tiny bit how they feel. I can only imagine how much worse it is to see that choice being made. So I won't underestimate it.

OP
Your story regarding the being excluded from a holiday is similar to mine. My ex has never once taken our dc on holiday in all the years we have been seperated.
He's married now with more dc and goes away with his family abroad atleast twice a year.
When my dd was much younger, she asked her dad's wife if she could also go on holiday with them all, only to be told "sorry you can't because your mummy won't let you"

The truth is my dc were never invited, but I still got the blame for ex and his wife being utter arseholes!
My dc have grown older and they can see their 'father' for the spineless twat he is. Spineless for allowing his wife to dictate everything on her terms because she didn't want to accept my ex had children.
My dc no longer have contact with her and only occasionally see their dad.

she's just asked me if I think that was about stopping her getting a better phone than step-brother and I can't help think she's right.

This and not allowing DDs to go on Australian holiday last year seems to be more and more about cast off family cannot be seen to have anything or do anything better than super shiny new family.

Even if it broke the bank I'd be looking to top their Australian holiday, whether it was 4 weeks in Australia as opposed to their 3, or stopping off somewhere else en route, spending Christmas in exotic climes, whatever it takes to stick two fingers up at the spineless knobhead ex and the vile bitch faced wife.

I feel so sorry for all the children involved.

Oh god op, this must be so fucking hard !?

I just wanted to say how i admire your conduct throughout all of this, you've done what you thought was best for them every step of the way. Despite massive fuckwitted goading.

I'm sure I'd have lost my shit with them a million times over.

Your girls are lucky to have you

Men are such shits aren't they, when they have a new relationship.

Protect the girls now, don't let them take on or pick up on any more hurt. Poor wee things.

Please update us next week as to whether he turns up for contact xx

ExFury

I cannot begin to understand how they and you are feeling although i have some ideas. I cant really grasp it because I have never experienced that level of abandonment from a father.
But i feel for all the children involved.

I wanted to say that you have behaved extremely well and you are setting up your girls on the right path to success however hard it is for you everyday. You are modelling a behaviour to them where what matters most is how you react to things that happen to you. They will certainly meet or come accross more horrible people in their life, sadly, but because of you they will know that this has nothing to do with them.

You and your husband, their step dad, should be proud. At then end of the day, you are the ones on the high road and with the upper hand.

Good luck to you all. And please keep your door open to their step bro is a nice guy by the look of it who will need to escape eventually even if only for respite.

And PS: i am a very savvy traveller and Ieould think i have a lucky escape NOT going to Australia with people who have never travelled before. I can foresee so many problems

YANBU - he really is an absolute prick.

He will live to thoroughly regret this decision. I hope his step-son gives them a massively hard time about it.

Can you cancel your shorter booked trip and take your DDs to Oz after their exams? Or take them over christmas? I know that the issue is now more about their father's attitude, but none of you can change that sadly. A planned trip for you all would be very cheering and would stick two fingers up to those callous bastards

He is under his wife's thin and he is a coward to not pick up the phone to his daughters

thumb not 'thin' ffs

Oh God I know someone like this!
She can't bear if one of the step children has a better experience or phone or toy or whatever that her child doesn't. Even if she has not paid for it. She's bloody awful.
She once went to New York at the last minute two days after they got back from another holiday because they couldn't bear little Johnny going with his Mum and Step Dad and her child not.

DGS’s Dad did this once. DGS came home saying they were going to Disneyland in Paris. He was so excited. Turned out that he wasn’t included - only the “new family” . Absolute shit.

It's awful seeing how many children have been spitefully excluded from holidays and parties and things.

OP I was going to ask the same thing about Australia.

Your ex doesn't seem to want you or your your DD's to 'top' what he and his other family have or do.

So no newer phone for your DD, no longer, more exotic holiday for you all.

But then they've probably been dwelling on it ever since you said you wanted to take the girls to Australia, his wife resentful about how you can afford it on 'her' money, and him not wanting to be outdone, so now they're going themselves but without your girls.

It's awful, it really is.

And it might not just be damaging his relationship with your girls. Your daughters have a half-brother and a step-brother watching how they are being treated.

The step-brother seems to like his step-sisters, and has been in trouble for telling them about Australia. It sounds like he was excited to be going with his step-sisters, and so he's been let down too.

He's going to remember this, and how can he respect his mother or step-father when he's watching them do this to his step-sisters?

They might both find that their relationship with him suffers as a result of the spiteful way they're excluding your girls.