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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I done the right thing?

107 replies

confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 09:51

In my 40’s, 1x DC7, NC with DC’s Father since pregnant. I work full time.

I met the most amazing man a year ago, he is truly great in every way. He lives 1.5hrs away and works away a lot (which is fine as this has always been the case). We spend a lot of time together and we get on well.

We agreed to buy a house together. I stated I would move to where he lives, meaning I would leave my friends, family and support network, I looked at every option possible, childcare, schools and emergency childcare etc. I have felt very uneasy about this but felt it was the right way forward.

I am financially comfortable where I am now. No commute, good support network around me for childcare.

I got cold feet with regards to the finances. I will financially be worse off due to commute, mortgage increase and additional childcare. Whilst I can still afford that I don’t see that it’s the right move for us at THIS TIME. In a years’ time I’ll be in a different financial position (due to bonus/pay increase) We also didn’t get offered the amount we needed on mortgage, we would have to borrow the rest which I don’t feel comfortable with, there is a reason a mortgage company only offers a set amount – due to affordability. Why MAX ourselves and add pressure?

He is beyond choked and disappointed. I feel he’s “blaming” me for not getting this particular property, or is that my guilt?

Have I done the right thing? AIBU for getting cold feet? I fear I will now lose him now Sad

OP posts:
hesterton · 13/02/2018 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluecashmere · 13/02/2018 09:56

Honestly, I'm not sure you should be buying at all if you haven't lived with this man. You are risking too much. You know this as you felt uneasy. If he's so great has he not considered moving to where you live, which will mean far less disruption to your DC? If he's not willing to do this, what does that say? Why do you have to completely change your life for him?

Original poster
confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 09:57

@hesterton thank you so much. That's how I feel self preservation.

I'm sat here a ball of anxiety in fear I'll lose him, but that will be the interesting outcome.

Totally appreciate your response Thanks

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 13/02/2018 09:59

I suppose if he'd built up an imaginary life with you and it has all come crashing down, then it could be seen as a lack of committment from you.

Original poster
confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 10:00

I agree @bluecashmere although it made sense with regards to a nicer area, probably a better quality of life. But this all would be a huge risk.

It's more about the financial side, this is where I got a sweaty uneasy feeling. I would be hugely worse off.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 13/02/2018 10:01

It would be too soon, and very unwise, to commit to a house purchase now.
Rent a house/flat for a year first and see how the three of you get on living together. You may feel differently then.

Original poster
confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 10:02

@HollyBayTree yes I too agree with this.

But not for one minute has he stood back and realised the compromise coming from me which is moving mine and my DC's entire life, including my job, and risking my financial situation.

I appreciate your response.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 13/02/2018 10:03

You 100% did the right thing op, absolutely!

Well done to you for being brave and taking a step back.

TwitterQueen1 · 13/02/2018 10:04

I have felt very uneasy about this ..

OP - trust your gut! this tells you all you need to know. You absolutely must put yourself, your DC, your finances first. Please don't risk everything you have achieved to date.

NewYearSunshine · 13/02/2018 10:04

He lives 1.5 hrs away, you would be giving up your support network and be financially worse off so that you can buy a house with someone who is away a lot? Sounds like all the risk was on you!
If you lose him over this then it's not the relationship you thought it was.

Sounds like you have been very wise to pull out now, but that doesn't mean it will not hurt.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/02/2018 10:05

I think when you're really young and inexperienced it's easy to think money doesn't matter that much, but when you're on your own with a child you realise quite quickly just how important it is.

You would be making all the sacrifices in this relationship, from the sound of it. You'd be worse off financially AND you'd be moving to an area where you don't have support. It's interesting he's not suggesting putting himself in that situation.

Look after yourself and your child. Stay surrounded by friends and family. Every penny you lose out on by moving is a penny you could spend on your child and his future.

Redfin · 13/02/2018 10:05

Why would you move to where he is if he works away a lot? You're planning to move your child, leave all your friends and contacts, put your finances in jeopardy only to live somewhere he isn't for a lot of time??

That seems like madness to me.

Why can't he give everything up and come to you if he's travelling for work anyway?

user1493413286 · 13/02/2018 10:06

If you and your child’s life is where you are I’m confused as to why you’re moving to his area to be away from all that and financially worse off; particularly if he travels a lot.
But mainly stick to your gut instinct and he’ll have to manage his own disappointment

Original poster
confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 10:06

What wonderful wise people you are. Thank you. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Loz604 · 13/02/2018 10:06

I take it you have explained all this reasoning to him? If things did go wrong it’s a big fall on your part- and will affect your dc. You did the right thing. You’re not saying never but the circumstances weren’t what you thought! Make sure he is clear on your reasonings- for that you shouldn’t lose him! If you do, maybe not as great of a person as you thought.

hollyberrytree · 13/02/2018 10:07

I think @NewYearSunshine summed it up.

Ask him to move in with you until your bonus/promotion comes through that will be a good test.

MojoMoon · 13/02/2018 10:09

He really doesn't sound that amazing.

You have a child. You should be risk averse.
If he cannot understand that, then he is incapable of putting the child first and will want everything to be about what he wants.

You don't need to live together to be in a relationship, especially as he will be away a lot for work. If he is unwilling to compromise and consider moving to your area, you should hear alarm bells. I'm sure it will be nice for him coming home from work to find you having managed the house and domestic work in his absence. But that doesn't mean it is right for you and child

Fishface77 · 13/02/2018 10:10

In circumstances like this you should think about what’s in it for your child.
What are the pros and cons for him?

CardsforKittens · 13/02/2018 10:11

I would have done exactly the same thing as you in those circumstances. It's a shame he's disappointed but he doesn't appear to understand your perspective, which would worry me.

Original poster
confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 10:12

He risks ZERO. I risk everything.

I've been brave and wise doing this. If I lose him then so be it, he wasn't the amazing man I thought he was.

OP posts:
Iluvthe80s · 13/02/2018 10:15

Don't move. You've been incredibly sensible about this. Do the right thing for you and your child. If he works away alot, why should YOU be the one to move? Unreasonable expectations from him

Original poster
confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 10:15

He's saying that why have I waited until now to bring this up? Why didn't I say from the start?

But I truly thought I could make this work, my anxiety and gut feeling is now telling me, step back.

OP posts:
cherryontopp · 13/02/2018 10:16

Would he be financially worse off than moving to you?
Would he be moving a child away from their family and friends?

Sounds like you and your child are taking all the risks. Your moving to another town for a man you've never lived with, you won't have friends and family around you to help with your DC - a fact that your DP may not come to like. Less couple time.

You were to right to pull out when you did.

If this man truly loves you, he wouldn't expect you to be worse off by moving and would understand why you don't want to move.

Belindabauer · 13/02/2018 10:16

Why is t he moving nearer to you?
Surely if he doesn't have dependant children and works away it's easier for him to move further?

Original poster
confusedhelpme · 13/02/2018 10:17

Yes you're right is it easier for him to move. But he said from the start he would not move.

OP posts:
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