Have I done the right thing?

[confusedhelpme]

In my 40’s, 1x DC7, NC with DC’s Father since pregnant. I work full time.

I met the most amazing man a year ago, he is truly great in every way. He lives 1.5hrs away and works away a lot (which is fine as this has always been the case). We spend a lot of time together and we get on well.

We agreed to buy a house together. I stated I would move to where he lives, meaning I would leave my friends, family and support network, I looked at every option possible, childcare, schools and emergency childcare etc. I have felt very uneasy about this but felt it was the right way forward.

I am financially comfortable where I am now. No commute, good support network around me for childcare.

I got cold feet with regards to the finances. I will financially be worse off due to commute, mortgage increase and additional childcare. Whilst I can still afford that I don’t see that it’s the right move for us at THIS TIME. In a years’ time I’ll be in a different financial position (due to bonus/pay increase) We also didn’t get offered the amount we needed on mortgage, we would have to borrow the rest which I don’t feel comfortable with, there is a reason a mortgage company only offers a set amount – due to affordability. Why MAX ourselves and add pressure?

He is beyond choked and disappointed. I feel he’s “blaming” me for not getting this particular property, or is that my guilt?

Have I done the right thing? AIBU for getting cold feet? I fear I will now lose him now

A lucky escape - even though it might not feel like it now. He probably wanted a bigger house than he could afford and you've put the mockers on his plan.

A less charitable person might even have predicted a next step, where he attempts to put the house in his name "for financial reasons"....

So after a year 'together', he dumped you by text.

Wow. What a grown up.

He dumped you by text because you realized how massively unfair he was being to you and your child, with all give on your side and all take on his, and there was nothing he could say that wouldn't make him look like even more of an ass than he already does.

You are well rid. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but you truly are. Be thankful you realized it before you signed any mortgage papers!

That was a painful but at least a very cheap way of finding out what a dick he is. Sorry, OP. Don't let him try to talk you round.

Sweetheart, I know you can’t see this now, but in time you will see that this is for the best.

There ARE decent guys out there, but you my dear aren’t quite ready, you have a few things to learn along the way. Everything you do, everyone you meet teaches you something

Have faith.

Wow, lucky escape. Look after yourself.

Phew, that was close. It feels awful now but at some point, hopefully soon, you'll see him sending you that text as doing you a massive favour.

he dumped you so fast because he thinks you are upset now, you will change your mind and beg him to take you back.

he is playing mind games now, be careful.

OP I am sorry you are sad but my God you have had such a lucky escape.

You have totally done the right thing. I have just had a very lucky escape in some ways as ex DP has left after 6 years, he was not DD's father, and although I loved him and truly thought we would be together for ever, I never quite committed to changing and potentially losing mine and DDs financial independence. It's been crap, but so much easier in that we are still in OUR home, that I can afford etc etc. I know your circumstances are different, but if you feel any uneasy- your gut is probably steering you right.

Turns out mine was 😏

@confusedhelpme just caught up with thread. You really have had a lucky escape!!! Read my first post. I've recently been there, after 6 years, it's awful, horrible, the worst thing I've done, but I'm fine, my daughters fine. Actually we are good.

Look after yourself.

I'd be lying if I said I was sorry to hear that. I'm sorry you are hurting but relieved you've had a real escape here. He sounds like a real baby. Keep your chin up. You did the right thing for you and your dc. Sending you hugs x

You absolutely did the right thing. He clearly wasn’t prepared to compromise on anything so you and your child had to take all the risks.

I’m sorry it hurts but a man who would end things by text that quickly isn’t a great catch.

Any man worth it would move heaven and earth to be with you, if that's what he truly wanted.
Clearly he is only interested in himself.....

If it doesn't feel right DONT do it!

You definitely did the right thing and his reaction to you having second thoughts proves you did.

Bloody hell, what did he say in that Text?

I moved 130 miles to be with my partner, gave up my career, home etc. Lived in rented accommodation meaning we moved 5 times over 4 years. It ha# been the most difficult, stressful time of my life. We have bought two homes now one in my home town and one in his. We commute between the two places. Now we are both settled and happy.

There is always a way around problems if you really want to fix them

Wow! Right from first post I was uneasy, you've definitely done the right thing what a knob!!

And that text just told you everything you needed to know to reconfirm you have just made the right choice.
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad OP. I hope that will pass soon. He has bailed at the first obstacle and isn't the right person for you to give up so much for.

You did the right thing and, if you lose him over this, he really isn't worth the risk and complete upheaval.

There is no reason a good relationship couldn't survive this.

Mother Nature is a bitch when teaching lessons.

DS has been vomiting for the last 2hrs.

2x bed sheet changes, hose downs!

My poor baby 😢

My DM/DF are coming to the rescue in the morning as of course, no childcare for 48hrs and I have to work TO PAY the bills.

Jesus wept if anything has just reinforced my decision it's this.

Thank you again all, this thread has been of the upmost comfort

You have 100% done the right thing. Well done for following your gut.

Hope DS is better very soon and you manage to get some sleep.

I've been brave and wise doing this. If I lose him then so be it, he wasn't the amazing man I thought he was

Yes to this, a dozen times.

Well done OP, hope your little one gets better soon.

Be kind to yourself. You've just lost what you thought was a promising relationship with a lovely man. Turns out the "amazing, truly great" person didn't actually exist. Of course it'll hurt. It'll take some time to get over.