Have I done the right thing?

[confusedhelpme]

In my 40’s, 1x DC7, NC with DC’s Father since pregnant. I work full time.

I met the most amazing man a year ago, he is truly great in every way. He lives 1.5hrs away and works away a lot (which is fine as this has always been the case). We spend a lot of time together and we get on well.

We agreed to buy a house together. I stated I would move to where he lives, meaning I would leave my friends, family and support network, I looked at every option possible, childcare, schools and emergency childcare etc. I have felt very uneasy about this but felt it was the right way forward.

I am financially comfortable where I am now. No commute, good support network around me for childcare.

I got cold feet with regards to the finances. I will financially be worse off due to commute, mortgage increase and additional childcare. Whilst I can still afford that I don’t see that it’s the right move for us at THIS TIME. In a years’ time I’ll be in a different financial position (due to bonus/pay increase) We also didn’t get offered the amount we needed on mortgage, we would have to borrow the rest which I don’t feel comfortable with, there is a reason a mortgage company only offers a set amount – due to affordability. Why MAX ourselves and add pressure?

He is beyond choked and disappointed. I feel he’s “blaming” me for not getting this particular property, or is that my guilt?

Have I done the right thing? AIBU for getting cold feet? I fear I will now lose him now

And, frankly, it sounds like a lucky escape ... for you.

Don't chase a man who wants everything his way, especially when his way make you worse off in every single way you look at it. Every.Single.Way.

He sounds selfish.

You are making the right decision. You are making all the compromises because he doesn't want to move. You have everything to lose and a child to think about, time to put yourself first. If he is a good guy he will recognise that, otherwise you found out in time that this relationship is not right for you.

Does he have children? If not then he should be the one moving. Especially as he works away. Moving a child should be a last resort.

Never remove yourself from your support network, that alone is priceless. Your instinct is telling you something, and you've wisely listened to it. How he responds will now show how he views your relationship. I'd also be very wary of buying a house with someone I hadn't already lived with.

Why didn't I say from the start? Things have changed because at the start you didn't know you'd not be offered the mortgage you wanted and you've had time to look at "childcare, schools and emergency childcare etc."

So on balance and due to circumstances you want to wait a year. Totally reasonable

Make a new plan with him about how to see each other often. Perhaps he could commute but break it up by staying near work 2 nights a week or something. Perhaps he could get a new job near you, or WFH one day a week or something.

You think you'll move in a year?
Don't you think about what this means for your son? You're essentially telling him that having a boyfriend is your priority.
What is in it for your son? Nothing, just misery.
You get to be with your bf. ( An extraordinarily selfish one at that )
The bf gets a free housekeeper, stays in own area, someone to look after his house whilst he is away. All plus for the bf yet only negatives for your son.
Way to go.

Well done, stand firm for the security you have. You would have been taking all the risk. He would need to be offering something more to make that fair.

I don't understand why you were the one moving away from everything and incurring the higher costs under the circumstances. You have a career and a settled child and a support network, plus you are the parent of a child who might need you on short notice, whereas he works away a lot

My theory is that he somehow wants the OP to make the effort which will prove to him that he is important to her. It's due to his insecurity and need for validation.

Its the feed he needs that will be initially satisfied, but ultimately - like any addiction - won't be enough, and he'll demand more and more validation greater and greater efforts from someone already giving their all. He'll then get resentful and it all goes downhill super fast from there

I was reading your post and thinking 'I hope she hasn't bought the house with him.'

You've done the right thing. I don't think it was your anxiety that stopped you, it was your gut instinct, which unfortunately we sometimes ignore to our detriment.

Stick with your decision and stay put. Its not just you, its your child too. If the relationship means enough, let him move!

Well that didn't take long. I just had "the" text.

Fuck me are their seriously NO fucking decent men left.

Thanks all for taking the guilt away from me thou, that's making this easier.

Right now I'm crying. I'm sad. I'm really fucking sad.

Bless you but you've had a lucky escape finding out so soon. At least your finances weren't tangled and you hadn't left your support system behind. You'll look back and thank your lucky stars his colours were revealed so early on - but that doesn't help how you feel right now.

@alotalotalot thank you .... the hurt will pass

@alotalotalot just realised you commented with His disappointment is understandable. His lack of understanding why you've got cold feet, isn't.

The lack of understanding! Exactly.

Obviously I'm going to analyse the shit out of this until I send myself crazy or maybe I won't, maybe for once I'll realise I HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING

A classy text rather than a grown up serious phone call / face to face.

Says it all really.

OP, it's safe to say that a man who is prepared to dump you by text was never a great man. You've had a lucky escape.

Wow. That didn't take him long at all!

You definitely did the right thing, OP. It's a good job you found out now, and not after you'd already moved house.

i'd take that as proof you did the right thing. Up till then, he could have just been a bit self absorbed and not realised what the move would have meant to you and your son. You definitely, definitely did the right thing for you and your ds.

Dumping by text, how very grown up!

Bullet dodged, well played OP. I'm sorry you'll have to grieve the relationship you thought you had but remember it wasn't the one you actually had. You did the right thing, no doubt about that.

He actually dumped you, and yet if you’d moved you wouldn’t be dumped?
Can you see how wrong that sounds, no compromise, no understanding. Nothing
It’s just my way or the highway

Fuck you are well shot of him.

He's spat his dummy out of the pram.

If he can't understand why you uprooting you and your child awsy from friends family, emergency childcare for less money, then he has mental health issues.
If he asks why leave it til now, just say you've had the time to think things through and to leave yourself financially worse off with no childcare around is not the best option.

Hes hoping you'll back down and 'see sense'. In other words get his own way.

Good job you've found out hes true colours now.

I think he will be expecting you to beg him to take you back. Don’t be surprised if he starts playing games. If he was a decent man he wouldn’t want to uproot your son. He is selfish.

IF you change your mind now you’re in for a lifetime of backing down

What did his text say, OP? No worries if you'd rather not say.

confusedhelpme what a dick. If he really cared he would be annoyed but happy to figure it out with you.

Glad you found out now before being locked down with a mortgage and god knows what loan.

Sending you a massive hug and a virtual vino x