Have I done the right thing?

[confusedhelpme]

In my 40’s, 1x DC7, NC with DC’s Father since pregnant. I work full time.

I met the most amazing man a year ago, he is truly great in every way. He lives 1.5hrs away and works away a lot (which is fine as this has always been the case). We spend a lot of time together and we get on well.

We agreed to buy a house together. I stated I would move to where he lives, meaning I would leave my friends, family and support network, I looked at every option possible, childcare, schools and emergency childcare etc. I have felt very uneasy about this but felt it was the right way forward.

I am financially comfortable where I am now. No commute, good support network around me for childcare.

I got cold feet with regards to the finances. I will financially be worse off due to commute, mortgage increase and additional childcare. Whilst I can still afford that I don’t see that it’s the right move for us at THIS TIME. In a years’ time I’ll be in a different financial position (due to bonus/pay increase) We also didn’t get offered the amount we needed on mortgage, we would have to borrow the rest which I don’t feel comfortable with, there is a reason a mortgage company only offers a set amount – due to affordability. Why MAX ourselves and add pressure?

He is beyond choked and disappointed. I feel he’s “blaming” me for not getting this particular property, or is that my guilt?

Have I done the right thing? AIBU for getting cold feet? I fear I will now lose him now

He's saying that why have I waited until now to bring this up? Why didn't I say from the start?

Tell him because once yoube worked out your finances, the practicalties of it, you've realises you'd be a lot worse off.

Better to lose him than to lose your security, Confused.

As you said, he's risking nothing, you are risking everything--and you have a child to look after.

If he can't see that this is not the right thing to do right now, then he's not willing to be flexible and supportive and you'll not be losing much if he takes off.

Better now then when you have bought the house!

You have done the right thing by all of you imo. It doesn’t mean never but I don’t think he’s thought it through what he’s asking if you both or the finances.

But I would also be a bit cautious of someone who thinks the worrying finances are no big thing. I’m not sure, as you haven’t said, if he just dismissed the worry of getting extra finance for the house as a five situation or he has concerns to. But it might be an idea to see if you can gage his financial situation better just in case such as over spending, not conscious of saving, being too generous. It doesn’t mean he’s an awful person but if he is like that it is something you may have to manage throughout your relationship DH is this on smaller scale

I think buying with someone you haven't already lived with would be a really bad move. You have no idea if things will work once you're living together and you will suddenly find yourself far away from your support network.

Yes maybe you could have brought it up before now but whats done is done and you have made the right decision now.

Would be move to be closer to you?

You're going to need your support network when he's away but you'll have moved away from them.

I've just moved to a town an hour away from my friends so I could be a sahm. I'm lonely as hell and my DH is only at work from 9 to 6!

Very unfair to move DC away from his friends and into a new household dynamic imho. If it doesn't work out, he won't have his friends to lean on.

If this man is serious about you, he'll move heaven and earth to be with you. Good luck.

I can understand why he's disappointed at you pulling out last minute but I still think you've done the right thing.

Could he not stay with you when he's not working away? Both of you start saving a bit of money and then in a years time look at buying again?

It makes no sense for you to move area though when he's away a lot and you need help with childcare, also having to uproot your son from school etc.

But not for one minute has he stood back and realised the compromise coming from me which is moving mine and my DC's entire life, including my job, and risking my financial situation.

I don't like the sound of him, quite frankly.

"He's saying that why have I waited until now to bring this up? Why didn't I say from the start?"

Because it's only been a year! And much of that would've (hopefully) been romantic bliss where you thought love would conquer all - but now that things are getting real, sums have been done and practicalities sorted, it doesn't add up for you to move there.

Also, it doesn't give him any high ground just because from the start he said he wouldn't move. All that meant was that the onus was on you to try to make things work. Well, you've tried and the costs are too high. So it's actually a bad thing not a positive that he's inflexible and won't change his position on whether he'll move. Don't let him guilt you. If he had your best interests at heart, he would be much more understanding.

Yes you're right is it easier for him to move. But he said from the start he would not move.

And yet he's cross with you for not moving?

I had this asked of me. My then bf wanted me to move to his city ( 70 miles away) and buy a house together.
I have 3 children, he has 2 that lived with their mum.
I ended it. Why would I cause so much disruption to my children's lives for his convenience?
To me he was basically demanding I put him first and so what if my children were uprooted he could buy a bigger house and get a free housekeeper. No. Big fat no. Really woke me up to what a selfish man he was.
Well done!

Why would you move to where he is if he works away a lot?

Just what I thought before I got to the end of the original post.

I can see why he's pissed off - he thought that you were going to move, that you were happy with that and no doubt was looking forward to taking that next step in your relationship.

THAT SAID, I think you're 100% right when you say he's not risking anything, and I do think if it doesn't feel right, then whatever you do, don't do it.

If he is a decent guy he will move past this initial disappointment and be able to discuss with you maturely and sensibly about why you have fears and what you (both) can do about them.

If hes said from the start he wont move then why does he expect you to do the exact thing he wont?? Especially when you have a child to think about.
That doesnt scream amazing guy to me OP.

As a few people have said, we were in the love bubble to start with, now reality, practicality and sums have been done. It's not right for me and DC. In a years time then maybe.

It's just reassuring to know I've done the right thing - hoping this will easy my immediate anxiety

He sounds like a bit of a twat TBH, are you sure he's the right man for you OP?

His disappointment is understandable. His lack of understanding why you've got cold feet, isn't.

I take it he doesn't have dc, but wanted you to move away from your son's school and support network? That's not on, you've done the right thing.

Hold on...

You know this guy a year and your planning on buying a house together?
You have called a halt to this - very right to do so - and he is pissed off? RED FLAG

You are uprooting your life, your DC, job etc, while he does nothing different despite the fact that he has no excuse to stay where he is? RED FLAG

Where is the fire love?

The speed of this relationship, the wanting to tie/lock you into a house purchase many miles from everyone you know, effectively cutting you off from everyone you currently know - MASSIVE RED FLAGS

No decent guy would expect/demand this, not with the changes it will make to your life overall AND financially. A decent guy would be the one to say to you that it's too much for you and the kids to have to do, that you will be financially worse off and even if he were loaded, bearing in mind that you have not lived together he can't guarantee that this will work. If this did go tits up and you were not in a position to be self-sufficient, where would you be left? High and dry? homeless? with your DC.

A sensible option would be for HIM to come to your area, to rent somewhere nearer you and see how things go overnights building to weekends, making sure the DC is OK with this

You're NC with the Ex for over 7 years - was he abusive? Do you remember how that relationship started? hell for leather/whirlwind relationship, early commitment, seemingly perfect?

Ring any bells?

I hope you do lose this guy over this, I don't like the sound of him at all.

If he walks away over this it would suggest to me that the relationship is not one that would survive the tests of time anyway.

I met a man online a while ago, in the first rush of love we decided he was going to give up his flat/job et al and move in with me. He got cold feet too and changed his mind, yes I was upset at the time but actually, in hindsight he was right. A year later, he did make that move and we are very happy together. Good luck confused things will work out for you too, with or without him.

Is there a (valid) reason he wouldnt move?

It takes on average TWO YEARS for an abuser to show themselves for what they are. Before then there will be little teeny hints.

A reaction that you were not expecting, something a little off

THIS is what has just happened. He sensed that you were committed/tied in and the mask has slipped a fraction.

So he is happy for you to move away and uproot your DS and your whole support network but he refuses to move? He doesn't sound amazing at all.

Where do you currently spend your time together and for how long? Can't he more or less move in with you for a few months whilst keeping his own place in case it doesn't work out?

You did the right thing. You truly HAVE to put yourself first and you have your DD to consider.

I don't understand why you were the one moving away from everything and incurring the higher costs under the circumstances. You have a career and a settled child and a support network, plus you are the parent of a child who might need you on short notice, whereas he works away a lot. If he works away a lot, surely HE could be based farther away from his office and be the one to do the extra bit of commuting...

Put your dc first and trust your gut and listen to all the wise Mners.

Then you can never go wrong in life